7 Things Lesbians are Sick of Hearing

Being an out and proud lesbian is great. You get to make out with, and have amazing sex with, hot-as-hell women. Having a girlfriend means you get a best friend, a lover and twice the wardrobe all in one. And you get to experience the classic lesbian rite of passage: the crippling disappointment that comes with developing a crush on a straight girl. Oh, and of course being a lesbian means you spend the rest of your life being subjected to random people’s probing questions, amusing assumptions and downright prehistoric takes about your sexuality and identity. Woo! Here’s a light hearted list of the top 7 things lesbians are sick of hearing.

But you don’t look like a lesbian!

Should I make my entrance gayer next time? What if I enter the room with a pussy posse like some sort of lesbian Hugh Hefner? (I wish). Maybe I should stick a rainbow flag in my ass? Honestly, if I had a dollar for every time someone told me that I didn’t look like a lesbian, I could afford to buy a castle large enough for me and at least 65 of my lesbian friends to live in. It’s 2020 and women who are attracted to women come in all shapes, sizes and different haircuts. I love a handsome butch, a masc stud and a short-haired lezzie, but the reality is, my long freshly-curled mane has nothing to do with my attraction to women. Lez be real, I just don’t have the forehead or inclination to pull off a short haircut.

How do lesbians even have sex?

Ask your mum. But seriously, I never know how to answer this question because it’s usually asked by a man and I suddenly feel deeply sorry for his girlfriend and the unimaginative sex life I assume he has. I think the question you should be asking is – how don’t lesbians have sex? Some of us like it mild with tender touches, skilled stroking and the sweet simplicity of hot lesbian bodies grinding up against each other… Some of us like our sex to be accompanied by a bouquet of interesting sex toys… Some of us like doing it in beds, on floors, up against public bathroom walls and in dungeons. To answer the question “how do lesbians have sex?” Let me count the ways…

Do lesbians actually scissor?

This is a question that deeply divides lesbians. Some do, some don’t, but I’m sure all lesbians can agree that the act of scissoring gets way more air time in girl-on-girl porn than is necessary. Tribbing, as it’s also known, essentially involves two women grinding their vulvas against each other in attempt to stimulate their clitorises. It’s prevalence in lesbian porn is because pornography is obviously very visual and watching women scissor each other gives the camera a full clear view of the situation. I personally feel like successful scissoring requires a certain level of athleticism and flexibility that I don’t feel is worth the effort. Each to their own!

Which one of you is the man?

The point of being a lesbian is that there are no men. When people ask me this question, I feel like what they’re really wanting to know is who wears the pants/strap-on in the relationship. There’s this assumption that traditional heterosexual gender roles (a more masculine and a more feminine partner) need to exist in non-conformative relationships. But it’s not always the case and why should it be? Just like with sex, there’s no one dynamic or stereotype of a lesbian relationship. So to answer your question, we take turns wearing the pants/strap-on, Steve. Which brings me to my next point…

Why do lesbians use strapons if they aren’t into men?

There’s this assumption that there has to be a penis involved for sex to be considered sex. And that if a lesbian likes to be penetrated with a strap-on dildo, then why wouldn’t she just shag a real penis? Well, I’m sorry to break it to you but a strap-on isn’t a man. I can’t say that my large purple sparkly vibrating spinning light-up dong bears any resemblance to any penis I’ve ever encountered. Let me put it this way - strap-ons are about the force not the source. While some lesbians see them as a sex life staple, others aren’t fussed. Different strokes for different folks.

My partner and I want you to join us

If you’re a straight couple looking for a hot woman to join you for an epic threesome – don’t contact a lesbian unless she explicity states on her dating profile that she’s into that. Not every woman is bisexual, and not every woman wants to have a threesome with Jim and Jane. You’re more likely to strike unicorn gold and have a mutually satisfying experience by limiting your search to bisexual beauties who are looking for a MF couple to play with. I have joined a few straight couples in the past and let’s just say that Jim’s reality was less hot girl-on-girl show and more surprise lesbian cuckolding. Sorry Jim.

Are you a lesbian because you hate men?

I don’t understand this one. Of course not. I enjoy the company of men… when they are clothed and not entering my body. It’s like assuming men are straight because they hate other men, or that gay guys hate women. I’m a lesbian because I’m attracted to women – I love everything about them. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with men.