Honesty is the key to closing the deal
Georgie Wolf
on 27 September 2020
17 comments
Why does online dating sometimes feel so complicated? Catching someone’s attention. Flirting just the right amount. Projecting confidence. Knowing when to ask to meet face to face. Sometimes it’s near-impossible to move from ‘chatting and flirting’ to ‘hanging out’. Often, we’re stuck in a loop for what seems like forever, until the dreaded ‘left on read’ occurs. What if I told you that honesty and simply asking is the strategy to closing the deal?
It might sound a bit weird. After all, when to comes to sex, we’re taught not to talk about it. But I prefer to be direct. Over the years, I’ve found that it works.
Many single folks would do anything to avoid having an honest conversation about hooking up. They assume everything should happen naturally, and that doing it any other way means admitting to social failure. Not to mention the fear of rejection – so awkward! If saying ‘I want to get naked with you’ feels difficult, you’re not alone.
But there are some huge problems with avoiding the conversation:
When we don’t ask, we sometimes look creepy. I remember the guys at clubs that used to stand near me on the dance floor but never start a conversation. It was weird and uncomfortable to have someone silently following me around all night. Hiding your intentions can create a bad vibe, even if it’s only because you’re nervous.
When we don’t ask, we don’t get what we really need. Maybe you’re not sure if your new friend is keen to get sexy. Maybe you’re hoping for a specific type of kink play, or you’d like to introduce them to your hot girlfriend. Other people aren’t mind readers – they don’t magically know what you want. You need to communicate, so they can decide whether they’re interested.
When we don’t ask, we waste time. I’ve spent hours chatting with crushes online, waiting for them to reply and eventually finding out that they’re just not that interested. Instead of waiting and hoping, I could have been looking for a better prospect! Picking up successfully is all about being efficient – if someone isn’t keen, it’s best to find out sooner rather than later. Otherwise you’ll end up feeling worn out.
So, what happens when we do ask? And how can we pull this off, without looking awkward?
I have a method that works well for me. If I’m keen on someone, I might send them a message and say, ‘Hey, you seem cool. Want to chat?’ If we’re talking and things are going well, I’ll say, ‘I think you’re really hot and I’d love to organise a play session some time. Please feel free to say no, I just think we might have fun together.’ If I’m flirting with someone who’s into BDSM, I’ll say, ‘There’s this kink I’ve been thinking about. Can I tell you and see if you’re down for it?’
Sure, sometimes they say no – we’re not guaranteed to get what we want. But when I ask, I show them I’m confident … and confidence is sexy. It gives me an advantage. Many of my sexy adventures never would have happened without that crucial conversation.
Of course, this doesn’t justify saying anything to anyone. Walking up to a stranger in a bar and asking, ‘Wanna fuck?’ will probably get you thrown out, and rightly so. Online is no different - it needs to be appropriate. Choose someone you already have a connection with, and make sure you treat them like a human being first. When I meet someone new, I always strike up a friendly conversation before making any suggestions, so they know I see them as a person and not just a sexual conquest.
And if they do say no? Accepting rejection gracefully is attractive too. I’m always impressed when I turn a guy down and they respond with, ‘thanks, I respect that.’ I’ll often be open to talking with him again in the future because I know he’s safe. And remember, people say no for all sorts of reasons – perhaps they’re just not in the mood, or they’re waiting until they feel more comfortable. If you respect their boundaries, they’re more likely to come back to you later.
Learning to ask has made a huge difference to my sex life. Rather than feeling as if I’m stuck on ‘pause,’ I have the power to guide my encounters in a direction that works for everyone. It’s led to some great connections, and even better sex. While everyone else is acting shifty and anxious, I can simply go after what I want, and look good doing it.
When it comes to hooking up online, being direct is a great strategy. By being honest, and asking your dates how they feel, you’ll stand out as someone special. It might take a little practice … but if you can learn to ask, you’ll have a much greater chance of closing the deal.
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