Help! I’m worried about my partner's porn habits

Amie Wee Amie Wee on 4 September 2020    12 comments
Man sitting in the dark staring at his computer screen watching porn

Q: I’m a shift worker, so I’m always the first to go to bed while my partner stays up looking at YouTube. Recently, he forgot to clear his browser history and it turns out he’s been looking at some pretty freaky porn stuff. I thought our sex life was pretty awesome. Should I be worried? And why hasn’t he ever initiated any of the stuff he’s watching in our bedroom?

Ahh… a question as old as time. Should you care that your partner watches weird porn behind your back?

Unfortunately, there’s no cut-and-dried answer here. How you feel is how you feel, but do I think you have anything to be worried about? Probably not.

Let me put it this way. I have some experience in the realm of strange porn. Much like your partner, I too am an occasional secret porn consumer, more than often of the odd variety. Is it a criticism of my IRL sex life? Definitely not. Is it because I actually want to be gangbanged by garden gnomes, waterboarded with baked beans or kidnapped by pregnant lesbian aliens who then keep me as their personal sex slave? Well no, but let’s be real, if any of those scenarios actually happened, I’d more than likely be up for it. 

Don’t take your partner's browser history as a blueprint for his sexual wants. 

The way I see it, we live in bleak times and if occasionally beating off to offbeat porn stops us from thinking about coronavirus for three whole minutes, then sign me up.

Porn is a fantasy – it’s fantastic, filthy, fun escapism at its finest. What people watch is not always what they actually want to do. Quite often, the things that turn us on are less about real-world desires and more about power dynamics. For example, some people might have consensual-nonconsent fantasies where they sexually force or are forced to do something. Having that fantasy doesn’t mean they generally want to go out and assault or be assaulted, rather it’s about the turn on of the heightened power dynamic in a situation that’s safe – because it’s not real. 

While your partner has a right to his privacy, this might actually open up a gateway for you to brush up on your sexual communication as a couple. If you want to know if you have anything to be worried about, ask him. Go in with an open mind and ask him to share his porn preferences with you. Even if you don’t sit down and watch porn together, just having a chat might open up some fresh discussions about each other’s shared sexual curiosities, fantasies and in turn, might deepen your emotional and sexual intimacy.

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Comments (12)

  • SweetestSins

    SweetestSins
    Account closed

    Surprise him with whatever it is he keeps searching (unless it’s illegal obviously..)!
    This is your opportunity to make his fantasies come to life! Embrace it instead of stressing about his thought process behind it, then let him know yours and have him return the favour.
    >4w
    Reply
  • bestperson

    bestperson
    63M Sydney Central Business District, NSW,
     AU

    I think browser history is not always correct I won a tablet and it had a fault in the keyboard and would get onto some women on another dating site by itself I ended giving it away. Browser history might tell something what your partner has looked at but for how long just because they clicked on it they might not liked it and looked at something else. Most porn actors are over 18 so what part they play is a fantasy.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Naughtydouble2

    Naughtydouble2
    47M 56M QLD,
     AU

    Anything behind your partners back is of concern These are the signs of communication breakdown WE SHOULD always respect each other’s needs and desires and in a partnership that should be respected Just be open and honest and be True to YOU
    >4w
    Reply
  • Zamboon

    Zamboon
    66M Bridgeman Downs, QLD,
     AU

    Lol a friends daughter lives in Switzerland and met a guy - they moved in and bought a car together - then she looked at his search history - he was into fat lady porn! and they were both skinny .... Anyway they split up as he was obsessed with fat porn - I did say why did she look at his search history? Obviously something was worrying her but I also say an invasion of privacy....
    >4w
    Reply
  • KinkyGirl101

    KinkyGirl101
    50F QLD,
     AU

    I didn't find out about my partner's porn habits until we sold our business and he had to bring home all the boxes of porn he had stored there (pre internet porn). Nothing much shocks me but what turned him on was particularly extreme. Never mentioned it to me. In fact my kink journey started after we broke up. Let's just say there is a lot of stuff I've observed and participated in but his kink was definitely not my kink.
    >4w
    Reply
  • CurvyKaren

    CurvyKaren
    Account closed

    Great Read.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Annandalesparky

    Annandalesparky
    52M NSW,
     AU

    So, where exactly can I get a garden gnome costume...?
    >4w
    Reply
  • Tartys

    Tartys
    62M 54F QLD,
     AU

    It will always be a contentious subject. So many factors need to be considered, life sometimes gets in the way. I spent over 10 years as a night-shift worker, wants, needs, urges, wishes, fantasy's, libido's, the way the world changes, its so hard to find "a good time that suits all".
    Porn will always be there, you either love it or hate it, and it sometimes makes it awkward when partners can't share the experience. As always, communication will play the critical role in deciding whether it will be healthy fun or insecurities and doubts.
    Personally, I love it, shame we can't gather frequent flyer points, i find it educational even to the point of watching things I wouldn't normally watch, some that I could only describe as "train wrecks", but ya gotta watch it hahaha...
    There's so much of it out there, and society is much more open and tolerant to it. Times of sexual change. Just because someone watches "too much" or you think they're addicted to it, just remember there's a lot of things people obsess over without realising it. For some it's video games, others it could be sports, others it could be alcohol.
    Always look towards the future, enjoy life - IT'S WAY TOO SHORT...do more of the things that make YOU happy ...
    >4w
    Reply
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