Married Men seeking Women: No Strings or No Way

Amie Wee Amie Wee on 14 July 2020    70 comments
Close up of a man's hands held behind his back as he removes his wedding ring

Q: I’m a married guy and while I totally respect a woman’s decision to not hook with up me because of my marital status, I don’t understand why more women aren’t replying to my messages. I figure, at least I’m being honest about being married, whereas a lot of guys just omit the fact that they’re married and pretend that they’re single. When it comes down to it, they don’t know why I stay married or whether I do this with my wife’s blessing. So help me out here. Why don’t women reply to me, when they’re probably replying to a lot of “single” men who are just liars?

Let me put it this way. I’m sitting at home, minding my own business, scrolling through Adult Match Maker looking for some consensual sexy times with someone who’s seeking the same, when I receive a message. Woohoo! But then I see it’s from an openly married man whose profile gives me no hints as to whether he’s polyamorous, in an open-relationship or if he’s just another dime-a-dozen scumbag cheater looking for a quick shag. Show me a wedding ring with no context and I see a red flag. 

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe your wife knows. Maybe she encourages it. Maybe you’re the most polyamorous of the poly people. Maybe your partner wants you to go out there and live your horniest xxx-tra curricular life and then come home and regale her with your sexy stories. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what is actually happening, I think being open about being married either makes you feel less guilt or infidelity is a turn on for you. Cheating isn’t a turn on. It isn’t adventurous or sexy. It’s not some kind of illicit fantasy. It just makes you look like you're seeking a cheap thrill because you’re catastrophically bored with the depressing dynamics of your marriage. 

If by some miracle you are in a non-monogamous relationship, put that shit on your profile. Be open about your situation. I’d be much more likely to respond to someone who’s married if I knew their situation was coming from a healthy place. If I’m looking for no-strings fun, why would I waste my time with someone who’s clearly in a tangle?

Are you open about being married because it makes you feel less guilty? Or does it play into some illicit cheating fantasy?

I don’t know what your opening line is when you’re messaging women, but start by thinking about who you are messaging. What are these women looking for? Are they looking for a quick and dirty fuck with a married man while his wife’s not looking? Are you one of those guys who says on their profile that they’re looking for friends and then they open with a dick pic or a graphic request? Ugh. Are the women you’re messaging looking for dating and relationships? If so, what is the end game then? It doesn’t take an expert to realise that getting involved with a married man and complicating it with catching the feels along the way will inevitably end with someone getting their heart broken – and it’s likely to be her. 

You need to think about what you can offer and what you can realistically give, if anything. Sounds like you’ve got some conversations you need to have with yourself and your wife.

2020 has been a difficult year so far. Let’s focus on more orgasms and less drama. 

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Comments (70)

  • AngelDreaming

    AngelDreaming
    Account closed

    My opinion is I do not judge people...everyone has their own reasons for whatever scenarios they have going in their life ...however, I do judge my own circumstances and as a finally free independent woman, I do not wish to have to be discreet and wonder if each time I contact you via a text, I might have started world war three.. i want freedom of expression and freedom of creativity and surprise .last minute booty calls ....thats what makes good sex for me ...that cannot be achieved with an attached guy ...so you know what ...its not just about you. Having said that kudos to you for not wasting anyone's time by lying about your status.
    >4w
    • Pearl686852

      Pearl686852
      57F Chermside, QLD,
       AU

      Agree there, at least if he says he's married you're knowing that fact up front.
      >4w
    • bambilovebris

      bambilovebris
      Account closed

      I assume all men are involved somehow
      >4w
    • triXXXi66

      triXXXi66
      58F 58M SA,
       AU

      Thats correct bambi, have to assume all men are liars on here and are either married or attached! Most have “its complicated” on their profiles anyway.. why is that even a choice of status? It doesn't explain a thing!
      >4w
    • Mandy2020

      Mandy2020
      Account closed

      Exactly, who wants to be that woman, no thank you. I don’t think you can assume all men are involved, that’s just not correct. I don’t want to be someone dirty secret or back up plan, no thanks. I’m far from desperate, I don’t need to be at someone else’s beck and call. Sex is easy to acquire and I don’t want a man that isn’t fully avaliable :)
      >4w
    Reply
  • bambilovebris

    bambilovebris
    Account closed

    well replied. i have no issues with enjoying sex with a married man, but he must explain his situation and in person if he can not look me in the eye and say he loves her, its a no go. I explain that rule before meeting.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Zamboon

    Zamboon
    66M Bridgeman Downs, QLD,
     AU

    I’m ok with the distrust about married men deceiving innocent females which is a horrible thing to do and we all can relate and know many stories of the cads - however I know of 2 women who openly cheat on their husbands ( one with me for a while till she also got bored and moved on) and on this site alone there are a number of married women who are available and their profile states “ my husband must never know” or words to that effect - so in these days of transparency and equal rights and all the other words that I cannot pronounce it is a case of what’s good for the Goose ....
    >4w
    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor
      Staff Account

      Absolutely! The only reason we took this approach is that it was a direct question from a male member wanting to understand. We figured the comments would be just as insightful as the post itself. :-)
      >4w
    Reply
  • Pearl686852

    Pearl686852
    57F Chermside, QLD,
     AU

    Great feedback lol, just be open.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Photos in private gallery

    Scorpiofb
    56M Dingley Village, VIC,
     AU

    Ohh, Ffs, if this site is not for married men to hook up with either married, women seeking same or single women that can accept the boundaries, no where is! I think, its best to be honest, tell it the way it is, be upfront, its the married men that lie about their status, make promised they cant keep to get a shag, are the ones that cause the most emotional pain to women, not all mm are cheating heartless cruel lying bastards!!
    >4w
    • bambilovebris

      bambilovebris
      Account closed

      Correct
      >4w
    • Looking4aM8

      Looking4aM8
      Account closed

      this site is for sex positive singles and couples last time i looked at the branding messages ...there are plenty of sites for married people to hook up for infidelity rendevous ...umm google it
      >4w
    • Photos in private gallery

      Wishfulgent
      60M Warner, QLD,
       AU

      Looking4, last time I checked AMM stands for Adult Match Maker and not 'sex site for consenting singles and couples that want to play together'
      Some people have good reason to keep things discreet and others have not so good reasons. At the end of the day none of us wants to be judged by others over our choices sexually regardless on how small or large those choices are from the main stream society. You see someone could judge you because you are hiding behind a 'lock' and not putting up a picture with your face as a public profile picture. So you must be hiding something..... Not that I think you are, but that's what a judgmental person might say.....
      So for my 10 cents worth, only because someone says single and requests discretion it doesn't mean they are a cheater.....
      >4w
    • Forfun4551

      Forfun4551
      Account closed

      Yep, branding messages are everything. I also Google everything. Which is why I quit uni...
      >4w
    Reply
  • Meg1987

    Meg1987
    Account closed

    I’m not sure why this is even a question because the answer is very obvious.
    >4w
    Reply
  • friskypuz

    friskypuz
    Account closed

    Married men are fine in my book, but I do prefer they can at least admit they are.
    I don't need to know much more it's their business,
    I actually like the thrill of having a married man, at least they go home and know how to be discreet..
    And yes I'm married to, as there is also married women on here who like more..
    >4w
    Reply
  • triXXXi66

    triXXXi66
    58F 58M SA,
     AU

    When we first started playing we agreed no married men.. until we got smart and realised that most men are either married or in a relationship on here.. its their business and guilt to deal with, not ours. Plus there is less chance of them becoming obsessed or trying for more if they have their own other lives. But generally they are less available for real catch ups and cant travel far without good excuses!
    >4w
    • ImCrystal

      ImCrystal
      43F Parramatta, NSW,
       AU

      This is the best answer thus far...it’s the limited availability of married people to be able to catch up evenings or weekends or short notice , the perceived element of not being able to exchange numbers openly that is perhaps the dissuading element of the “no reply” syndrome. This maybe the case faced with the “single status liar” but even if these people get a reply the communication will fizzle out.
      My view anyways.
      >4w
    • naughtyhotrod

      naughtyhotrod
      Account closed

      Agreed. Such a same more people cannot simply play then stay away.
      >4w
    Reply
  • Wayno888

    Wayno888
    48M 47F Gold Coast, QLD,
     AU

    The Question this Guy is asking is..
    Why don’t women reply to me, when they’re probably replying to a lot of “single” men who are just liars?
    Maybe some women just get so many messages that they can't reply to everyone? Alot would be looking for a relationship and not just sex.
    Try talking to your wife and start this journey as a couple.
    >4w
    Reply
  • MissMasBeach

    MissMasBeach
    59M 56F Henley Beach, SA,
     AU

    I decided long ago to be up front about both my status and my intentions.
    Yes it cuts down the number of responses.
    But the responses that you do get are from people who are genuinely interested in someone like me, which saves a lot of time for both parties.
    With the important benefit that every relationship that you do strike up starts honest and stays honest.
    Life is too short to mess around people who aren't interested in the real you.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Adzmania1978

    Adzmania1978
    Account closed

    As a married man in an open relationship I find the fact they have taken that away as a relationship status fairly frustrating, lots of women I have messaged haven't bother to read my profile where it states I'm in an open relationship just see the married bit and move on. Would.be good for AMM to return that as an option for us out there in this situation.
    >4w
    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor
      Staff Account

      You'll be pleased to hear that we're working on updating our registration and profile pages with some fun new inclusions and an overhaul of what's currently there and Open Relationship will return!!! I don't know when yet but the design is in Phase 1
      >4w
    • Adzmania1978

      Adzmania1978
      Account closed

      Awesome work team, I honestly don't know why you removed it at all
      >4w
    • Thrilllover

      Thrilllover
      54NB Centennial Park, NSW,
       AU

      On that note, are you also considering Polyamorous and Relationship Anarchist? We are neither coupled nor single and on the ENM spectrum. Personally as most of those contacting me do not read my profile, I’m simply bombarded by monogamous singles if my status is single and by married men or unicorn hunting couples when I choose a non single status. None of whom I seek.
      >4w
    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor
      Staff Account

      @Thrilllover, Yes, both of these will be covered. Both single and coupled members will be able to indicate if they are non-monogamous and explain their relationship status or preferred relationship style, and whether they are in a primary or secondary relationship. We are also looking at allowing profiles to link to further explain their relationship dynamic. We also have a new poly blog contributor who has already written some great posts to explain the poly lifestyle and explore relationship anarchy to those not familiar with the dynamic.
      >4w
    • TechViking

      TechViking
      Account closed

      Thats great AMM Editor that you are giving attention to the various dynamics. Its about time all the preciousness was dropped and equal opportunity applied. In these new and interesting times many are being exposed for their prejudices and to be at the forefront of getting rid of them is the way to go.
      >4w
    • motorcade

      motorcade
      61F Melbourne, VIC,
       AU

      Being honest doesn't entitle you to a root. Just accept that some women dont want to play with a married guy and move on. If it helps, I no longer meet married guys because in my experience its too complicated and they are not availlable when it suits me.
      >4w
    Reply
  • Photos in private gallery

    bestperson
    64M Sydney Central Business District, NSW,
     AU

    some women like men who are married because they have experience
    >4w
    Reply
  • TechViking

    TechViking
    Account closed

    Im another who is up front with married status. We all have our reasons for being on here and dont need undeserved judgement from the narrow minded.
    Also many on here have free accounts being subsidised by us married men (hiding their status or not) paying to advertise.
    >4w
    Reply
  • HappyCple569

    HappyCple569
    Account closed

    I (Mr)have a slightly different perspective on this issue, whilst I have trouble with the issue of the "partner being cheated on", (I would hate to be the one being deceived). I am of the opinion that," if I can't play with your partner, then you are not playing with mine". Maybe that is a bit selfish, but hey, its not easy finding couples to play with,
    >4w
    Reply
  • Sexylawcurves

    Sexylawcurves
    50F Williamstown, VIC,
     AU

    It’s one of the few statuses which starts the heckles of so many rising no matter what type of sex you’re looking for.
    Your relationship status is none of my business, honestly, if you have a relationship with someone else no matter the title under which it is held it actually has nothing to do with me. This is the code I live by. I don’t get involved in my friends relationships why would I get involved in my lovers or playmates?
    There are so many reasons people play outside of their relationships: too many to list here. I’m not sure it’s ever as simple as just talking about it with your marital partner or anybody else. There are so many preconceived ideas about what is right and what is wrong, what monogamy is and why it’s just so very fucking important. Ideas which are often never discussed and most just assumed.
    Personally I like playing with other people’s toys and a married man is so very very attentive......
    >4w
    • BBWmature

      BBWmature
      Account closed

      100% agree
      >4w
    • Verychatty

      Verychatty
      Account closed

      Thank you for an open mind
      >4w
    • Mandy2020

      Mandy2020
      Account closed

      I wonder if you’ve ever been married ?. Doesn’t sound like it. Other people’s toys, not sure you’d feel the same if that was your husband ducking around without your knowledge. Not my thing and never will be. I was lied to once and he was married and I later found out and that wasn’t cool. Attentive or desperate ?, I’m sure they aren’t all that, he certainly wasn’t.
      >4w
    • Sexylawcurves

      Sexylawcurves
      50F Williamstown, VIC,
       AU

      Mandy,
      I appreciate you have your own experiences and hurts but please refrain from making any assumptions about me or my life. I wouldn’t make them about you. But perhaps that is the fundamental difference between you and I.
      This is a sex site after all, we get to explore and experience our most secret desires and kinks. These are mine, laid bare on the table, and I make no apologies for them. They just don’t match yours.
      >4w
    • Pjinoz

      Pjinoz
      46M Ryde, NSW,
       AU

      In fairness it works both ways, I have met a few married ladies on various sites. Some prefer married men because they not so demanding and require same level of discretion.
      >4w
    • TechViking

      TechViking
      Account closed

      Well said Slc
      >4w
    • Mandy2020

      Mandy2020
      Account closed

      I don’t have any hurt, he was a DICK and I wouldn’t have gone there had I known he was married period. Not judging, simply saying I wouldn’t do it again just not my thing. I was simply saying married men aren’t my cup of tea and if you were married and your husband was ducking around who knows how you’d feel that’s all :)
      >4w
    Reply
  • Jayvon

    Jayvon
    47F 53M Perth, WA,
     AU

    Gotta be honest, married men who are looking for a bit of something extra, really work for us. They're not clingy and always very very discrete, perfect for what we look for.
    >4w
    • tubcouple

      tubcouple
      Account closed

      We agree. As you say, they are discreet and the upside is that they do the deed then go home.
      We don't ask but our rule of thumb is that if they won't have massage oil used on them and, after the sex, scrub themselves vigorously in our shower, then they are probably married.
      It works for us.
      >4w
    Reply
  • WarmNPlayful

    WarmNPlayful
    56F Merimbula, NSW,
     AU

    The reasons I won't get involved with men unless they're 100% single are :
    1) I have been cheated on, and those experiences were vile beyond all belief. I'm a pretty stable person, but those years nearly sent me mad with the emotional pain, anxiety, confusion and self-doubt - especially when you can sense or suspect that something is going on, while being lied to and told all is well. People think they can hide it and their partner won't know, but deep down they will know, or feel that things are wrong, feel that they are being betrayed and made a fool of, even if they cannot prove it and even if they engage in denial about it to themselves. That kind of dishonesty toward a partner is a form of gas-lighting, and is immensely damaging. It feels absolutely sickening, and it leaves scars. I will never, ever assist someone in doing that to another.....
    and 2) Having also been in a couple of open relationships, I found them to start well but ultimately always end up full of drama, because of our human frailty, our inability to manage something so emotionally complex in a truly healthy way. Someone always ended up being hurt or harmed by the "poly" situation (in addition to the ways people already can be hurt by our vulnerability to each other, in our hearts).
    >4w
    Reply
  • Jessica.Rabbit1

    Jessica.Rabbit1
    Account closed

    I don’t judge anyone for being on here. Everyone has their reasons. But for me I’m not interested in playing with married men because I would like to be someone’s number 1. For married men to expect everyone on here to be totally ok with hooking up with whoever asks is what is wrong. Perhaps if the married people read profiles and messaged those who are ok with what they are offering, then they might have more success. When they message me they will get a polite ‘no thanks’. Why they should expect a favourable response when my profile clearly states I’m only interested in someone 100% single, I will never understand!
    >4w
    Reply
  • Call.me.x23

    Call.me.x23
    Account closed

    I agree that honesty is essential here, any hint of a lie about status, age, physique or anything else and I walk away now. I am not judging guys in relationships married or not, please understand and respect the fact that some people are only interested in other single people.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Adell1

    Adell1
    59F Pennant Hills, NSW,
     AU

    Yes, we, my female friends on here, assume most men on AMM are married or "complicated" if there
    is even a difference. Which for us generally means you get cancelled on at the last minute, or it is always a day meet they want, or some random time convenient only to them. Your time gets wasted and it is all about them. Clearly I am talking about those of us who like reguar playmates and ongoing, not 1 offs. My profile has changed over the time I have been on AMM to now exclude married and "complicated" because I joined this site to be free of hassle, not embroiled in some one else's crappy relationship. I understand everyone's marriage is different but if you are that bored, leave.....being someone's fling, dirty little secret, kink to their vanilla at home etc etc quickly gets boring. Real disclosure on your profiles please gents!!
    >4w
    Reply
  • Kinetic.2

    Kinetic.2
    54M 50F Sydney Central Business District, NSW,
     AU

    There are happy open couples out there with couple and single profiles who do enjoy mental and physical intimacy with other consensual adults married or otherwise it’s just a bit hard to weed through the masses and find a happy place! U just have to have a bit of faith and equally a bit of luck? And on occasion the planets align for us all.....
    >4w
    Reply
  • Meg1987

    Meg1987
    Account closed

    Maybe because also married men are notorious for stringing along women and saying they’ll leave their wife. With 0 intention of ever leaving!
    >4w
    Reply
  • CuddleWhore2020

    CuddleWhore2020
    39F Rockdale, NSW,
     AU

    Amen!!!!
    >4w
    Reply
  • Darkstud

    Darkstud
    53M Brisbane, QLD,
     AU

    A male may truly love their spouse while not being intimately attracted to the partner. It could be for many many reasons. They are on these adult sites because they have a need. For men, sex is a hunger, its a craving that needs to be satisfied. And it is for the woman to decide if it is no strings or no way, just don't be judgemental. For men, the more upfront and honest we are, better the chances.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Photos in private gallery

    Betty1010
    55F Sydney, NSW,
     AU

    No judgement here - Until we walk in someone else’s shoes, we dont really know. Just not for me.
    >4w
    Reply
  • DeerPool1978

    DeerPool1978
    Account closed

    Unilaterally our sex life was ended by one party without explanation or regard.
    My sex life is continuing unilaterally; I am glad I am bisexual.
    >4w
    Reply
  • HappyCamper70

    HappyCamper70
    54M Maitland, SA,
     AU

    There’s 2 sayings that come to mind with me when I read this article...
    1) Women use sex to get love, while men use love to get sex.
    2) Believing in the rule of three..
    When talking about sex to a person, it’s believable to do some quick maths. Whatever amount of sex a man says he gets, you can divide by three and it’s probably not far off of the real amount. When talking to a woman, you can times that number by three, to get a truer number.
    For the reason of having more men than women on all these sites, is the fact that women really don’t have to advertise themselves that often, for they only need to say “yes” Where as a man has to search endlessly for a woman who’ll actually say “yes” Which leaves lots of men even more eager to find someone for some fun or whatever they are looking for, which may add something to their so called sex life.
    I’m not a bias person and I believe everyone has their own reason for being on AMM. It is a difficult thing being a married bloke on any site, but can it hurt anyone to actually talk to these blokes and find out what their true feelings/future relationships goals may be?
    Being a bloke myself, why lie to someone who’s only trying to find something different? Isn’t that why we are all here?
    >4w
    Reply
  • Photos in private gallery

    misscate7
    53F Sydney, NSW,
     AU

    When I was married I only saw married men - because everyone got the situation (and I understand people stay in bad marriages for all sorts of legitimate reasons). Now I am single, there is no reason to go near married/partnered/it's complicated men. I don't want to fit in with their schedule, need to sneak around, or assess whether they are legitimately cheating - and there are just so many great single men on this site.
    As for poly guys or 'my wife gives me permission' guys- it may not be fair, but I just think yuck.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Robbo554

    Robbo554
    Account closed

    I’m beginning to think that this site is run a bunch of holier than thou misandrists. A quick search for married women seeking men brought up 30 pages of possibles. Not open relationship or polyamorous, but just married. To use the author’s words, I see it’s an openly married woman whose profile gives me no hints as to whether she’s polyamorous, in an open-relationship or if she’s just another dime-a-dozen scumbag cheater looking for a quick shag.
    Admittedly, there were 80 pages of men in a similar search but we all know men far out number women on AMM. So for all you sisters who supposedly look out for each other and think you’re the moral barometer, maybe take a look at yourselves.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Tawny.Eyes

    Tawny.Eyes
    Account closed

    I personally don’t care about others marital status- that is their business. We’re all on this site because it is a sex site and we’re after the same thing - sex.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Photos in private gallery

    Living4Pleasur
    50M Airds, NSW,
     AU

    I believe that any situation where theres a imminent intimacy pending, one would hope that 100% focus would be shared, how can a proposition be achieved when its advertised that you got to be home for dinner? Prior to the back injury I was bouncing for 6hrs, now 6 mins is a goal( increasing with waterbed...lol) but for those 6 mins or 6 hrs, I was pushing boundries. Put a blister on the tip of my tounge once, hehe. At no time was it important to mention tomorrows plans, live in the now, and if its a pleasure to be with the other live in the now again. Never forget that is whats important.
    >4w
    Reply
  • prettyg123

    prettyg123
    41T Sydney, NSW,
     AU

    I think anyone on this site are looking for the same thing.
    I don’t care whether they are married or single.
    However, I think twice on those who said that they are single. Most of the time (not all the time) turns out to be married or attached.
    It’s complicated or I just don’t get enough from my partner really off putting. Basically upfront and say what they need sounds more appealing and can build chemistry (even nsa).
    I guess by the end of the day, it really depends on who we’re looking for on this site. Some people mind and some people don’t.
    As long as we all know we are not in a relationship website, we shall not get heart broken.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Photos in private gallery

    MovingOn101
    51F Goulburn, NSW,
     AU

    It’s a very hard situation I’m in this situation at the moment
    I’m having sex with an attached man his partner has full knowledge of this and while my profile says no attached men they explained there situation so I meet them there have no contact with the women I have meet her and she knows about me it sounds simple enough right ? Here’s the catch
    There’s always a time limit I’m always putting another women’s feelings and wants above my own and my wants a needs come where on the list we live in a small community and I don’t feel I can be open about what’s going on even though I’m a single woman free to do as I please
    The sex is by fare the best I’ve ever had we have an amazing connection but I’m left feeling it’s not enough
    >4w
    Reply
  • DrRodneyCock88

    DrRodneyCock88
    Account closed

    I'll share my story here and please take from my experiences any thing that might resonate or ask me to explain more if there are any little pearls of wisdom, they came to me only long after and they each cost me countless failures of my courage and required me to split my life and therefore self into disparate little worlds, so that each could notintercevt
    >4w
    Reply
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