Should I get back with my ex?

Amie Wee Amie Wee on 11 March 2020    14 comments
Attractive brunette woman pulling a duck face whilst reading a message on her mobile device

Dear Amie, I broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months recently as he would always prioritise going out with his mates over spending time with me. I feel like I’m pretty easy going but he’d spend almost every weekend with his mates and often a few week nights throughout the week and would often cancel plans with me last minute if his mates invited him out. Every time we would have a fight about it, I’d threaten to break up with him and then he would promise he’d try harder to change but he never did so I finally ended it with him. Now he is telling me he wants me back and promises me he’ll change. I feel like he is really sorry and really means it this time but I don’t want to go back to how our relationship used to be. Should I take him back or cut him off?

Let me get this straight. You were with this dude for a year and a half and during that time, he repeatedly put you second to his bros, and it wasn’t until dumped him that he promised to start to prioritising you? Mmm… okay. Sounds familiar. At this point in time, at least 50% of me is screaming bullshiiiiit to his desperate pleas. I feel like he’s had his shot and you’ve got enough confidence to know your worth. But, you’re thinking maybe he really is sorry and that he really might be capable of changing? Now, I didn’t date the guy for 18 months of my life, so I can’t attest to his personality traits and his track record of sticking to promises, so you’re going to need to ask yourself whether you think he’s saying what you want to hear? Do you genuinely think that if you get back together he will permanently change, or that he’ll realistically slip back into those old selfish habits after a few weeks? 

I’m not doubting your ex’s sincerity, but the reality is that making a relationship work a second time around is hard and prone to failure. You could be setting yourself up for more heartbreak. It’s extremely tempting to reconcile with someone who’s promising to change, however, it takes time for change to become a natural, unforced part of a person’s personality. Trying to force things – quickly – especially with someone you love, is a recipe for heartache all round, as well as wasting time for other potential opportunities that might be around the corner.

If you feel that he’s truly acknowledged how not being prioritised hurts your relationship and you, and you do decide to get back with him, I’d strongly suggest that you don’t jump straight from the break up to where you left off. Go back to square one – start dating each other again. He needs to prove that he’s able to start prioritising you more. The only way to know if he’s going to change, is to try it and wait it out.

Just know that it’s okay to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working or is doing your head in. You know what you want and deserve, and you hold the cards to your own happiness.

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Comments (14)

  • LionAwakening

    LionAwakening
    56M Reid, ACT,
     AU

    Your mileage may vary, but from personal experience, I would say "No way, No how!"
    It's called a breakup because it's broken!
    >4w
    Reply
  • trynow181

    trynow181
    62M 56F Port Macquarie, NSW,
     AU

    they are called a x for a reason xx kaz
    >4w
    Reply
  • wickedcat

    wickedcat
    Account closed

    mmmmmm .... A Leopard doesn't change it's spots .... but maybe some hard ground rules may get them to fade.
    >4w
    Reply
  • KinkyGirl101

    KinkyGirl101
    50F QLD,
     AU

    Next!
    >4w
    Reply
  • 7empest10

    7empest10
    Account closed

    Nexted my ex for the very same reason, looking forward to meeting someone new who actually wants to spend more than 1 night a week together!
    >4w
    Reply
  • Cultured.animal

    Cultured.animal
    56M Gympie, QLD,
     AU

    Say you'll get back to him then find out when he has a big event planned with his mates that can't be rescheduled, preferably, that stuff's his mates up as well. Then tell him at the last minute that you've got some free time at that time. If he goes for you you have a keeper. If he tries to rain check, or tell you how important and unfair it is of you and how much his mates will be pissed off, just let him know that means he does not have the commitment required for a relationship with you, especially for a second chance.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Fox341

    Fox341
    Account closed

    Run, run far far away, never go backwards, ever.
    >4w
    Reply
  • CopperTop111

    CopperTop111
    65M TAS,
     AU

    Cut him loose... when your with that some one special they are the centre of your world..no one on the outside should matter...not friends not family...if his outing is so special he would want to take you as well to share..
    >4w
    Reply
  • prettyg123

    prettyg123
    41T Sydney, NSW,
     AU

    A good guy should balance his time between you and his mates. I understand going out over the weekend is alright, but only occasionally. Not every weekend. However, going out during weeknights is a big red flag. Don’t waste your time. Leopards don’t change spots
    >4w
    Reply
  • ozmelbcpl4cpl

    ozmelbcpl4cpl
    53M 53F Ringwood East, VIC,
     AU

    Put him 2nd give back whats given out even the playing field
    >4w
    Reply
  • Lonelyspud

    Lonelyspud
    Account closed

    No doubt there's genuine guys will look after & treat miss like a princess. I'm now don't feel comfortable my self towards women now when I put everything in & not same back. Now what pee me off guys out their treat ladies like crap & kinda make me feel like one of them Or only going out wif him just for looks.
    End of the day..... U set ur rules & be fair both side. If break ,move on.
    Otherwise forget the pass move forward.
    >4w
    Reply
  • BiMelbNaturist

    BiMelbNaturist
    Account closed

    no one has ever changed but many have promised. Move on...Value yourself and you will make the right choice
    >4w
    Reply
  • MandyML73

    MandyML73
    Account closed

    Not unless your self esteem is in the gutter, people do it all the time. Love isn’t blind, it’s just plain foolish at times. Respect yourself enough to move on. No one EVER died of a broken heart .......
    >4w
    Reply
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