What Holds Women Back From Casual Sex?
Eva Sless
on 12 November 2020
42 comments
Hook ups, a fuck buddy, one night stands, friends with benefits, open relationships… All of these activities are becoming more acceptable and more common. With the internet in our pockets it has never been easier to swipe, click, choose, and meet up with potential playmates and, with our growing knowledge of sexual pleasure, sexual health, and indeed sexual consent, you would think it is also becoming a far safer and more mutually pleasurable experience for all involved, but unfortunately for many women this is not the case.
Slut Shaming
This is the go-to reason many of us think of when we wonder what might be holding women back from exploring their sexual sides outside of committed relationships. While yes, this can be one of them, these days it’s not as much of a hindrance as it used to be. Women all over the world are beginning to embrace and examine their sexual potential and the pleasures it can bring. The word “slut” is being reclaimed as a positive expression of sexuality, and we as a society are moving away from the stifling and misogynistic cages the “virgin versus whore” has had women boxed into for centuries. Of course there are still those who express these sorts of views, and it can definitely be a factor in women’s choices about who and why and how they fuck, but for the most part strong, confident, sexual women don’t give a fuck about what others think of their bedroom activities. They do, however, care about their pleasure, and that becomes a huge factor in how they make their choices.
The Orgasm Gap
When speaking to women about their hook-up experiences one of the most common complaints we read about is the orgasm gap, which is basically that one night stand sex is often pretty terrible in the pleasure stakes and not really worth their time. As we all know, hook-up sex (regardless of your gender) is pretty much a fun romp of “get in, get off, and get out”, but unfortunately many men seem to forget that, even though that is her intention as well, it takes a little more than just a fuck to make it a fun and satisfying venture for her. In fact, almost every woman I have spoken to about one night stands said that they reach orgasm in less than half of their encounters, while almost every guy said they came every single time. When asked why, the women mostly said it was because the guy didn’t give a crap, and was pretty much only in it for his own pleasure, and this seems to be backed up by a Canadian study on oral sex and casual encounters. Researchers spoke to almost 900 students about their casual sex experiences and found that while oral sex was a common part of hook-up sex, there was a definitely an imbalance between the genders. The study found that around 60% of women performed oral sex during their casual sex sessions but only 52% of men said they did, and 63% of men said they received it, whereas women reported receiving it less than 45%. The surprising part of all this is that the study also found that only around 28% of women actually enjoyed giving oral sex, as opposed to the 52% of men who said they did, but for some reason they just weren’t doing a lot of it when it came to their hook-ups. Of course, oral sex isn’t the only way to pleasure a woman, but whatever it is that gets her motor running and her juices flowing, the key is often taking the time and patience to get it started, even if it is just a casual one night stand.
The Rejection Projection
Women on sex dating sites get a lot of messages. They get winks and clicks and likes and requests all the time. For most of them, when first setting up a profile, it’s exciting! We open every message. We read every profile. We try and respond politely to every message we get, but as time goes on we notice a few things. Firstly it’s pretty obvious that less than half of the men who contact us actually read what we have written and what we are looking for. The sheer volume of “hey baby, you’re hot” messages becomes tiresome and boring, as do the photographs of genitals and badly penned erotica we haven’t asked for, but the most common, and frankly most disturbing, thing that happens to women on dating sites is what happens if we say no to a man’s advances or reject his offer.
“You fucking fat whore, who would want to fuck you anyway!”. “Fuck you, you stuck up cunt, you think you’re so much better than me.” “Someone should slap some fucking sense into your ugly face, cunt.” These gorgeous little gems of articulation are actual examples from my own dating site inboxes from men that I have politely rejected, and I am not alone. Responses like this happen to women every day and, after a while, it becomes too much, too depressing, and too frightening to even consider opening up your inbox or trying to find a connection, and the easiest way to deal with it is to delete your profile and go invest in a good vibrator.
Sure, rejection hurts. It’s totally okay and completely normal to feel a bit shit if someone you wanna hook up with doesn’t want to hook up with you, but that is no reason to turn into a disgusting, hate-filled pig, nor will responding in that way ever make someone go “Oh, shit sorry, Chad, how about I come and suck your dick right now!”. If you get rejected then deal with it like a grown up and move along, you’re only ruining it for the rest of us.
Slobs and Sloths
Speaking of imbalances between the genders, there is another one that so many women have spoken to me about when talking about their hook-ups, and that’s the differences in the effort put into one’s appearance and indeed entire outlook of the experience. If women know they are going to have sex the grooming and preparation lead up can sometimes take days. There’s the shaving and waxing and smoothing of the skin. There’s the agonising over what to wear, what undies to put on, what shoes will give her the butt lift she wants. Too much make-up? Not enough make-up? Should she bring extra clothes in case it turns into an all-nighter? Is he coming to her place? Is the lounge room clean? Fresh sheets? Fresh towels? Put the nice candles out, choose the right music, hide anything embarrassing… It’s exhausting and she hasn’t even got to the sex yet. Men on the other hand tend to be less concerned about all of that and often don’t even think about the extra stuff at all, but it really is important. Yes, it’s just a casual encounter with someone you may not see again, and no you don’t have to go to ridiculous lengths or spend loads of money on it, but just squirting on some Lynx and making sure you’re wearing the boxers without the holes in them isn’t enough. Take a bit of care and time in your appearance and grooming. Wear something nice. Be sure to brush your teeth. If she is coming to your house make sure it doesn’t look like a uni student’s share house (even if it IS a uni student’s share house, maybe put the bong away and get rid of the week old curry pot on the sink), and please, even if just for that one night, make the bed so it looks nice and inviting. It really doesn’t take much time to make a little bit of effort, but it will certainly make her experience with you a far more enjoyable one.
Safety First
Unless you’ve been asleep for the past few years, I am guessing you will have seen numerous articles, blogs, tweets and posts about the lengths women go to to feel safe. As almost any woman in your life will tell you, nearly every step we take alone out of the house (especially at night and in unfamiliar territory) is accompanied by some sort of vigilance and constant risk assessment. Is this street too dark? Is this car park too isolated? Is that car following me and slowing down? Is that a man’s footsteps behind me? Is my drink safe? Is my Uber safe? All of these things and more have been ingrained in us since we were little girls and, even if we’ve never had real reason to worry, it still niggles in the back of our heads in the place where “what if” lives. When it comes to hooking up and meeting a complete stranger for sex, these things play over and over in our heads and getting just one little hint that a potential hook-up partner could be a “bad guy” is enough to stop us from taking the exchange any further, and could quite possibly stop us from trying again with someone else. In the world of internet dating and hooking up, the most common reason women who may have once been interested in casual sex but aren’t any more is the way they are treated by men in the initial stages of communication.
Time, Effort, and Fun
When I put some of these things to a few men I know one of the comments I got back from a couple of them was along the lines of “but what if she falls in love and wants to be my girlfriend?” and I had to laugh. Is the bar really that low that men think clean undies and a neat house is all it takes for a woman to fall in love? If it is, then I guess all of that makes a bit of sense, except for the fact that it isn’t and it’s ridiculous, and I think a bit of a cop out excuse. Making the space comfortable and welcoming, and putting in a little bit of effort to your appearance and into her pleasure will not suddenly turn her into a desperate stalker hell bent on getting you to the altar, it will just make sure her experience with you is as enjoyable as the one you have with her and that she feels safe and comfortable, as well as satisfied and happy, and in the long run, that’s precisely what a hook up is all about, and what you should be striving for.
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