Quit Unhealthy Sex Habits For Good
Nicole Carrington-Sima
on 3 July 2019
7 comments
I don’t know about you, but I find all the upcoming, hard-sell “new year, new you” marketing slogans that are so pervasive at the start of every summer to be deeply irritating.
There’s nothing wrong with the current you, dear reader – you’re lovely – and self-love and acceptance is far sexier and healthier than trying to be someone you’re not.
Having said that, don’t wait until the new year to hit the “refresh” button and make a clean start on your mental and physical well-being and reassess unhealthy habits, so that you can lead your best life.
Just as an avid curiosity, creativity and a passion for lifelong learning can greatly boost your career, they can also enhance your quality of life – and that covers your sex life, too! It’s science, baby.
After all, we are all students of life – adopting healthier sex habits will lead to greater sexual satisfaction and performance, well-being and happiness.
So, what bad sex habits can you kick to the kerb? Here are some common ones:
1. Body shaming
Have you ever had a sexual partner insult your body or your genitalia? It’s insulting, degrading and it’s just plain not on; indeed, it’s a sure-fire sign that – red card – you need to dump them, and fast. Never let someone make you feel as if you’re not worthy of their sexual attraction, love or attention – find those special partner/s who see you as their ultimate kink. For beauty (inside and out) and sexual allure comes in many different shapes, sizes and guises – you’ll meet many partners in your lifetime who think you’re the juiciest peach. There’s no such thing as “perfect” and looks can be deceiving: I’ve worked with plenty of top male and female models – some, who were oddly asexual, others who had way more bodily insecurities with their “perfect” forms than even us mere mortals.
Of course, any good psychologist will tell you no one can make you feel anything – you have power and control over your own emotions and behaviour – so be sure to practise healthy self-love and body acceptance so you don’t fall apart if you are unlucky to encounter a body-shamer in your sexual travels. Hilariously, I once had a man tell me I was “too wet down there”; I’ve heard horror stories of women being bullied by their porn-obsessed partners over the fact that their labia is allegedly “too untidy” and “ugly” – the cruel and dangerous practise of labiaplasty exists for a reason – and/or that their vaginas are “too loose”; and I’m sure women can be every bit as cruel as men in penis-size shaming, thereby attacking a bloke’s very manhood – men have feelings, too – no one needs to be humiliated for having a micropenis (except of course Hitler – he definitely deserved it).
Don’t shame your own body, or others – it’s as simple as that. And if you’re ever worried about your genital health, for God sakes, don’t Dr Google it – go see your GP and/or read up on the actual facts on your pink bits. Ladies, you can’t go wrong with one of my Twitter faves, Dr Jennifer Gunter, a self-described “gynaecologist, women’s health advocate, sexpert, appropriately confident, wields the lasso of truth” – she’s very handy on body-positive vulva and vagina facts Vs myths (in fact she’s got a book coming out on the topic), not to mention she’s famous for taking down Gwyneth Paltrow’s pseudoscience on www.goop.com on many occasions.
2. Sexual hang-ups
Ladies and gents, did you grow up in a household or community where you learnt that masturbation was “evil” and/or ladies, that you “smelt bad”? Guys, do you “headfuck” yourself about not being able to properly pleasure a woman? We are all a product of our upbringings, but sexual hang-ups have absolutely no place in the bedroom – begone! These repressive insecurities and inhibitions will only prevent you from having or enjoying sex and the boudoir is a sacred space – you must do the hard work to overcome ugly religious or cultural sexual shame and teachings. Educate yourself and/or again see a good counsellor if you need to – there’s no harm in that.
My parents sent me to a very strict co-ed religious school at which I got a great academic education, (thanks, oldies!) but where sexual education was both minimal and religious-skewed – boys, no doubt confused by the Madonna/whore complex taunted girls for being “smelly sluts”. And I remember the confusion I felt in Year 10 when a male History teacher took it upon himself to tell the class that that great invention, the Contraceptive Pill, was “wicked”. Oh, the feminist rage, now!
You might, as a man or woman, feel uncomfortable giving and receiving oral sex – ladies, it’s amazing when you finally meet a man who loves your natural genitalia scent – you might have been conditioned to believe it’s not your God-given right to enjoy sex, or sex with multiple partners – or you might still not know how to have a great orgasm on your own. Get to know your body without shame – it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own, to use a well-worn, but apt quote.
3. Selfish sex
This is the actual worst – truly selfish sex partners who prioritise their own needs and wants over yours are never welcome bed-fellows. In fact, you become merely a prop for them to use in order to get off – to them, you’re not a “whole” person - they’re not even interested in your desires. Don’t ever be this person! Good lovers are highly empathetic, intuitive and curious (and always use their tongues). Always ask yourself: What would my lover like? Will this make them happy? What makes them tick? And above all, directly ask your significant other/s: “Does this feel good? Do you like that? What can I do to make you orgasm? Are you into X/Y/Z?” Don’t dress up as Stormtrooper, or whip out the unisex vibrator, cat-o’-nine-tail, body oil, mouth gag, strap-on or elaborate restraint system without first discussing it with your partner/s.
Some important questions to ponder, include: Are you a giver or a taker, or a healthy mix of both? Do you wait for your partner to come before you do? Are you open to being adventurous and trying new things, or do you think you know all there is to know about giving and receiving sexual pleasure? Do you encourage open, honest communication about what he/she likes? If you do discover, to your ultimate horror I hope, that you are indeed a selfish lover, it’s never too late to change – your capacity to do so will come down to your motivation and willingness to become the best-possible lover you can be.
Importantly, never try to selfishly force someone to “get in the mood” to have sex with you – that’s the ultimate, needy turn-off and a dangerous game indeed – consent is everything. And, as we all know, it’s perfectly natural in relationships for desire to wax and wane. Ideally, you want your partner to come willingly to you, to lust after you, and be gagging to have sex with you, rather than him/her hiding in the bathroom/washing their hair to escape your needy demands.
True intimacy is beautiful – by focusing on the giving, rather than just the receiving in sex, you open yourself up to a new, deeper level of sexual ecstasy and enjoyment.
So, to recap, sexy students – what did we learn, today?
- Never shame your own wonderful body or that of someone else. And just like our bodies, all genitalia are beautiful in all their diversity and differences. Seek advice/help from your GP if you are concerned about your pink bits – not the internet/your partner/friend/cat.
- Are you a fully grown adult? Great – it’s high time you lost those sexual hang-ups ingrained into you from your childhood – they diminish you and prevent you from having a healthy, uninhibited and pleasurable sex life.
- Don’t tolerate selfish lovers and don’t ever become one yourself – communication and the art of giving to receive are key. Never be needy and consent is everything!
7 comments
Firelady2016
More than a month agoGood read. Ticked all of the boxes above & they are fine.
ReplyWhat do you do when you had the big four -
Mind + Body + Soul + Spirit We were Addicts of eachother. Lol
Yeah life's tough. K
MangoSilverFox
More than a month agoI agree with Kezza93,
ReplyA great and timely read.
We all have different preferences, however it is not our position
to judge others by our standards.
Be proud of who you are, and not be pressured by the majority of "They".
Growing up in an all boys Catholic Secondary school, we were told that sex and anything associated
with it was unclean and unhealthy..
How wrong could they be... unfortunately, religious beliefs have a lot to answer for, in how we think of ourselves.....
kezza97
More than a month agoGreat read thank you
ReplyAngelDreaming
More than a month agoGreat article..thank you
ReplyCandygirl20
More than a month agoLots of good points covered.
ReplyIVAONE60
More than a month agoGreat article I've always believed in that no one should be shamed about their bodies or their sexual experiences. Yes its true that our upbringing has a lot to do with how we treat others in the bedroom. Me im more of a pleasure giver nothing better then seeing a woman satisfied both sexully and emotionally. I love to give oral pleasure and i take my time to make them very happy.
ReplyBBWSLT
More than a month agoThanks for the read hun it certainly got me thinking
Reply