Ahoy Amie! How do I play Captain to my wench?

Dear Amie: I have recently encountered an unusual problem with a new girlfriend who has a desire to be my “wench” in the bedroom. The problem is, she doesn’t enjoy receiving oral sex or having her nipples touched – both of which are two of my favourite things to do during foreplay. I am at a loss as to just what she sees her role as “wench” encompassing and I don’t know how to please her. This weighs heavily on my mind when we are together. Complete gratification is as much mental in nature as it is physical for me. Any suggestions?

Well! I will admit… it’s quite rare to receive a question along the lines of, “I love going down on women but my girlfriend doesn’t like head”. Usually it’s, “how can I get my boyfriend to do more than just lick my pussy like a stamp before trying to fuck me?”

When first read your question, the word “miscommunication” was all that screamed through my head.

Your new girlfriend says she wants to be your “wench” but you’re unsure what that means. Quite frankly, I’m unsure what that means. You need her to spell that out for us before you can proceed to fulfil your girl’s wench fantasies. Traditionally, the term “wench” refers to lady pirate or a sex worker who hangs out with pirates. Now, I can give you advice on playing Captain to your pirate sex wench (Aye! Aye!) or I can probably take a stab in the dark and guess that what your girl wants is to have you take control and for her to be your play toy. I can’t stress enough that you should probably define the expectation of “wench” with her before you surprise her in the bedroom by wearing an eyepatch and demanding she wank your plank.

But seriously… this situation is just about miscommunication. 

The fact that your new girlfriend doesn’t two of the things that are a really big part of what you enjoy about sex, is an issue. Obviously, she should not feel pressured to partake in either of those things if they aren’t her bag, but if it’s going to work in the long run, you need to find a balance sexually and mentally that works for both of you. 

If you haven’t already, ask her why she doesn’t like either of those things. Have the conversation out of the bedroom – no one likes to be put on the spot when they’re naked. Sorry to say it, but is it your technique that she doesn’t like? I don’t know about you, but I can speak for many of my female friends when I say that we’ve all had someone touch our nipples in a cavalier way that makes us feel like a 16-year-old boy is tinkering with the knobs on a radio. Maybe she’s a self-conscious wench? Or maybe she just plain does not like the sensation of those things. Try and understand what her issue is, but don’t try and find a loophole or nag her to get your way. Ultimately, having those kind of conversations and understanding what she likes and doesn’t like will give your relationship more depth and better chemistry in the long run.

Take the initiative do some research into what turns her on. Maybe you could suggest watching some porn together and letting her pick the playlist? Ask questions during it and be receptive to her answers. This will give you an idea of the dynamic she might be craving with you.

When it comes down to it though, there are two of you in this relationship, and you both need to be able to communicate your wants. Hot sex is great, but good communication in a relationship is more than half the battle.