How to Turn a Hook Up into a Friend with Benefits
Eva Sless
on 12 January 2018
28 comments
Okay, so you might not want a relationship, for whatever reason you’re not looking for that sort of commitment, but a regular hook-up partner or a fuck buddy can be a great way to get that no-strings-attached fun with someone you know and like and trust, without having to find a new person to hook-up with whenever you’re feeling a bit toey, and without all those pesky things that go along with a relationship. Now don’t get me wrong, regular hook-ups can come with their own set of issues and problems, but they can also be a really great interim “relationship” without having to actually be in one. I think the main thing to remember is to keep check of your emotions and feelings throughout. Sex and connection can have sneaky ways of tricking us into thinking we have emotions we may not, and can also (confusingly) have the opposite effect and make us think we’re just enjoying the sex but are actually starting to fall into emotions that, once we realise it, are too strong to stop.
So, with all that in mind, you’ve met up with a hook-up and had a really great time, and think you may want to hook-up with them again… Perhaps regularly… How do you make it happen?
Before
Whether it’s a relationship or a FWB (friend with benefits) you’re looking for the biggest thing to remember is to be honest. Be honest about what you’re looking for, and be honest about who you are. Yes, we can all reinvent ourselves a little bit, and it’s fun to be a bit mysterious, and absolutely valid to keep certain things private, but try not to change your core values or personality too much. It’s impossible to keep up with it, and they’ll soon work it out. Being upfront about your intentions is important too because you really need to find someone on the same page as you. Starting a casual arrangement with someone looking for more is a recipe for disaster and broken hearts. Before you meet up keep the communication light and flirty, and try not to reveal all your dirty secrets in one conversation… Leave a little to the mystery of the experience!
During
Basically the advice I’ll give you here is the advice I give anyone having sex, regardless of whether its a one-night-stand, or with your partner of twenty years. Be respectful, be kind, and always always ALWAYS make sure you have consent. Consent is the most important part of sexual communication and when you’re with a new person, you need to make sure you know their signals and signs, and that only yes means yes. “Um” is not a yes. Hesitation is not a yes. And having to convince or coerce someone into something is taking away their consent. Check in regularly, especially with new partners: “Is this okay?” “Do you like this?” “Would you like me to keep going?” These are thing ALL people of ALL genders need to make sure they do with partners.
Another thing to be aware of (and I hate that I have to say this, I mean come ON!) is to make sure they enjoy themselves too, that it’s not just about your orgasm. Sex is about mutual enjoyment, so if you’re just looking to get yourself off, go and buy a sex toy.
Probably the most important thing to remember, after consent and safe sex and enjoying yourself, is to be aware you don’t overstay your welcome. This doesn’t mean jumping out of bed and leaving the minute you’ve finished, but it does mean being aware that you may not be welcome to stay the night. Always have an exit strategy. If you don’t or didn’t drive, make sure you have cab money or an Uber account, or know where the closest train station/bus stop is. Let someone know where you are so you have a check-in buddy, and always say thank you to your host when leaving (a note on the bedside table can also be good if they fall asleep and you don’t want to wake them to say goodbye).
After
So you’ve done the deed, had some fun, gone home and thought about it and decided you might like to go there again! Awesome, but this can be where it starts to get a bit tricky… Not impossible, but tricky. The first thing you should do is send a nice follow-up text. Nothing too clingy or full-on, but nice and polite saying thank you, and you had a great time, and would they, perhaps, like to repeat the experience. Be sure you reiterate that you’re not looking for a relationship, but that the sex was great and you’d love to try it again.
The most important thing here is to listen and accept whatever answer they give. If they don’t reply at all just leave it. Yes, sure, on very very rare occasions the message you sent may not have arrived, but really, that’s so rare it’s not worth thinking about and sending a “hey, did you get my text” message will more likely come off as clingy and desperate, and that’s the last thing you want to be seen as. If they say “no thanks” then accept it and move on. The original arrangement was never meant to be anything else so you need to honour that. In that same vein, if someone you’ve hooked up with wants to see you again and you don’t want to, be kind in your rejection.
The Strings
It’s really important to remember that no-strings-attached-sex will always have strings, no matter how much you tell yourself it doesn’t. Those strings don’t necessarily have to be commitment ones at all, but they’re there, and you need to be aware of them. Sex can bring up all sorts of feelings inside us and sometimes it’s a good idea to debrief with a friend just to get your head around what you’re feeling and what it means. If your hook-up partner does become a regular FWB it’s super important to revisit the “commitment” conversation whenever you feel it’s pertinent. If you feel your feelings changing it’s important to talk about it, and if your FWB suddenly goes cold turkey, or meets someone they want a relationship with that isn’t you, you have to accept and understand that, within the context of your arrangement, that could be a possibility.
All in all it’s about keeping yourself safe and happy, while not compromising on the safety and happiness of someone else. It’s a balancing act that can have all sorts of obstacles thrown in your way to test you, but if done right can be a mutually satisfying arrangement for everyone involved.
28 comments
Wantitall75
More than a month agoI just had my first FWB for about a year. It was fun for awhile, but he broke our most important rule, so unfortunately had to end it. There needs to be a lot of trust, especially if you want it kept secret. I would do it again.
ReplyHornman36
More than a month agoA fantastic read looking forward to getting a FWB sometime soon.
ReplyRedhotonex
More than a month agoA great read thank you for sharing and yes an FWB is amazing as long as you keep the communication open.
Replyfunkyspeciman
More than a month agoIf i actually get sex ill tell you more about it but for now i am not getting any.. grrr frustrating!
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ReplyAGivingSpirit
More than a month agoReasearch plus charming pwersuasion works well
Aysianlover
More than a month agoThat’s awesome!! Thanks for sharing .
ReplyMonique07
More than a month agoThank you enjoyed the article. I found the bit about thinking you have feelings when it's just the association of great sex and you don't, and thinking you don't have feelings and it sneaking up on you particularly true. It's all a part of the journey I guess but why does that happen? Why must it be so confusing? Old enough know to have self awareness of how I feel pretty quickly fortunately
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ReplyAMM.Editor
More than a month agoIt's all about the oxytocin which rushes through our body when we have sex. That's why it's called the "love hormone", because it influences our behaviour.
AGivingSpirit
More than a month agoWe are all most likely to say i love you just prior to orgasm
Bangingnuts69
More than a month agoLoved this article. Something to put into practice and would suit my busy lifestyle as a academic and shift worker. Now I can go out there and look in confidence.
ReplyGiaa35
More than a month agoThank you for the article.
ReplyGhost Rider
More than a month agoA while back I had a FWB for nine years. She questioned it once accusing me of just using her for sex. I asked if she enjoyed it as much as me. She admitted that she loved it. My answer was, "Well you're calling the shots." She liked clubbing with her social group of friends. I preferred being alone on my motorcycle though I took her riding occasionally. One day when I was at her place, one of her male friends fronted up unexpectedly with a bunch of flowers. Her face was red. He didn't seem to care. I left them and phoned back later advising her that there were no hard feelings and seeing the funny side, I had her laughing with me before I stepped out of her life for a while. Things didn't work out with her and we reconciled. However she wanted more and we parted ways not long after. I looked her up recently in a retirement village and we happily chatted and laughed about old times but we've both definitely moved on.
ReplyShe's a fair bit older than me but I still think that she's gorgeous. We had a ball. No regrets.
Amante.
More than a month agoThis is a great article. I particularly like the highlight on consent throughout and respectful and gracious goodbye.
Thank you
A
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ReplyAGivingSpirit
More than a month agoSummer flings the best
Leolady727
More than a month agoFWB is the best arrangement! What better than a friend with whom you can have a conversation, a laugh and some great sex but still retain your own space?
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoAgain Leolady,,your comments on the different issues discussed on AMM are probably the most constructive and sensible responses,one could read.I admire your balanced opinions on the many topics covered Ken
Speedy34
More than a month agoGreat advice. Thank you for sharing x
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ReplyBangingnuts69
More than a month agoThat was a good article. I think it would suit me in more ways than one. I am working shifts, I study, and I dont have a normal lifestyle live many. I can be time poor too
Casuallover17
More than a month agoThank you Eva
ReplyMindfood2
More than a month agoThank you Eva
Your article is so interesting to read
As we learn something new everyday...
And i would like to be able to follow and use it as a guideline and be aware not to hit that curves again..
Well done!
Regards
Lollysaresweet1
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ReplyBangingnuts69
More than a month agoI totally agree. Its a lifestyle that is worth exploring.
Sexyeyes3
More than a month agoI did it for off n on for 13 years n it was good I really enjoyed the sex but you do really have to keep your emotions in check
ReplyI fell for the guy n I didn’t realise it at first but we are ok I don’t think I would go back dwn that track with him as it wouldn’t feel right
If I go back dwn the track with fwb I really don’t know only time will tell
Hammolady
More than a month agoI had just that kind of thing for 4 years then he decided he wanted to look for someone permanent....not me...oops. Must admit I became very attached but whether it was to the man or just the sex is debatable. It can be fun but I agree Eva, you do need to keep your emotions out of it for it to work...4 years twice a week was a good run, good fun, great sex but we both knew it would not go beyond that and laid out the ground rules at the beginning. Would love a replacement lol
ReplyMasonne
More than a month agoGreat article - thankyou, Eva
ReplyTaurean.Bull81
More than a month agoGreat article Eva! I've had a number of FWBs over the years where your article has given good insight into the benefits of these arrangements and how to keep within the guidelines of it :-)
ReplyDarkstud
More than a month agoI liked the last part "The Strings." This is very true which we normally fail to notice.
ReplyI had a FWB lady who also wanted me to join her for lunches, dinners. movies etc. We sure did a few outings but I was always cautious to keep it balanced.
SweetDesire26
More than a month agoGreat was good to read article as i have a guy wanting to be a fwb but he also wants heaps of quantity of other women so just what i needed to read.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoI wouldn’t be ‘ one ‘ of many :)
Good on you if that suits you but I’m more than ‘ enough ‘ woman fir one man :)