Lesbian Porn is not a Blueprint for Girl on Girl Sex

Eva Sless Eva Sless on 7 July 2016    20 comments
Two lesbians having a tender moment and about to kiss

We Do Need Some Sex Education

When you look at all the sex education we get in our lives there's something very glaringly obvious about it. I mean, apart from the pretty crappy advice and shallow reproduction-based lessons we're given, it's all centred on heterosexual sex. Penises and vaginas. The ol' in out in out. There is very little information and advice given to us on same sex relationships, and even less given on same sex sex.

When I was younger I remember asking a lesbian friend of mine, “how do you, you know, do it with a girl?” She laughed and said, “well, you masturbate don't you? It's just like that but with someone else.”

That seemed pretty logical really. I have a vag, she'll have a vag, obviously it will be super easy! I mean, I've been pleasuring my vag for years! How hard can it be? 

Fast forward to my first awkward and fumbling experience with a girl and I can tell you the majority of my thoughts were “what the fuck am I doing??” while simultaneously cursing the friend who had given me the advice.

The thing is, yeah okay, she had a vagina as well, but her vagina and my vagina (and every other vagina in the world) are very different things, and respond very differently! While I prefer clitoral stimulation, she preferred penetration. While I get turned on by whispered words and dirty talk, she found talk distracting. It was a learning curve of immense proportions that ended in a pretty unsatisfactory night for both of us, and both of us feeling like we were shit in bed. 

Communication is the Key to Good Sex 

As always, and what is a running theme in nearly all the sex columns I write, communication is the key to good sex. Finding out what makes your partner tick, and letting them know what you like too. It's definitely an easier conversation to have with someone you know well, as opposed to that one night stand situation, but it's still important, and there are ways to do it without being too forceful or demanding, or even without words!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with placing your hand gently over theirs and guiding it to where and how you like to be touched. Being vocal and responsive is good too. I don't even mean screaming their name and having crazy convulsions on the bed (although hey, if that's what you do, then that's perfectly fine too), but a little moan or sigh or “yes” when they touch the right spot is a great way to guide them.

Using sex toys can be super fun and exciting, but it's probably a good idea to work your way up to the big, black strap-on with smaller, less intimidating toys first. Find out if they even like toys first, because that's also an individual thing.

Check out Female Created Pornography

If you're looking at porn for tips on the sapphic pleasures of loving, I'd recommend looking for female created pornography, that has been created specifically for female viewing. While there's loads of cool things about hetero-made lesbian porn for the male gaze, it really is not the best as a how-to guide. It has lots of vulva smashing and scissoring and choreographed action that, for the most part, is set up for the maximum viewing pleasure of men, rather than the actual depiction of girl on girl sex for women. 

That being said, some women really do enjoy vulva smashing and scissoring type sex, so again, it is all in the way you communicate your needs and work out together how to have the best sex.

Basically, what I'm saying is, having sex is not really something you can learn out of a book or on a screen. It's a hands on practical experience, full of trial and error and a whole lot of it. But it can be fun! 

Don't Take Sex Too Seriously

If I hadn't been so caught up in the idea of perfection on that first, awkward time, I would have found it far easier to laugh at it, at my own inadequacies and at hers, and that in itself is probably the most important lesson of them all. Have fun with it. Admit to yourself and your partner that you have no idea what the hell you're doing. Make it fun and silly and light-hearted, because that is the very first step to breaking down the awkwardness and the confusion of that first time with someone new. Trust me, after you've had a good ol laugh at the fact that you feel like Stumpy McStumpyfingers, it's far far easier to say “I totally suck, please show me how to do this”. 

As I'm sure you're aware, I have had lots of sex, with people of all genders and all shades of experience levels and desires, and I can honestly say the best sex I ever have starts with laughter and communication, and always ends with education of myself.

And that, my friends, is a lesson we can probably all take home, girls, guys, any of us. None of us are masters of sex, and we all have stuff to learn.

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