Informed Consent: What you need to know!
Eva Sless
on 17 April 2016
67 comments
There's been a lot written in the media lately about consent. What it is, what it isn't, and what it all means. We've had some lively discussions on some of our articles too, and it always seems to end up with someone saying something like “But how do you really know?” or “What if it's with a long-term partner?” or other such things, and the answer is actually really simple.
Consent, regardless of your relationship, your past experiences, even your past ten minutes, is ALWAYS needed and should ALWAYS be enthusiastic.
By this I mean it is time to stop the age-old saying of “no means no” because, although it is right, there is a lot more to it than that.
It is more than No Means No
I mean sure, if someone says no then that should be it. No absolutely does mean no. But so do some yeses, or other forms of agreement.
Let me put it for you simply.
If someone is unsure, if they are umming and ahhing, then take it as a no. Don't push them. Don't try and convince them.
If someone is too drunk or high that they can't use both eyes to focus or are slurring their words, or even just looking tired and smashed, then they are not in their right faculties to be consenting to anything.
If you are using it as a bargaining tool – I bought you dinner, a gift, am nice to you – and expect that to lead to a yes, then that is forcing their consent through guilt.
If you are using it as an exchange – If you do this then I will buy you something, give you something, owe you something – and expect it to lead to a yes then you are forcing their consent through bribery.
Any time where you have to beg or plead, or try and convince someone, or make excuses and reasons as to why they should, or use any sort of emotional blackmail to get into someone's pants... Any time someone is unenthusiastic about spending time with you, where they are unsure, nervous and upset or unclear about what they want... Any of those times you have not gained full and proper consent and what you are doing can be classed as sexual assault.
There are plenty of ways you can avoid this. The best one is to listen, to communicate and to do it constantly.
Only YES! means Yes
The other thing about consent is it can be given and withdrawn at any time. If I say yes, I want to fuck you, and three thrusts in I decide I don't want to any more, I can withdraw my consent. I can say stop. And the person fucking me has to stop. I'm sure that would be very very frustrating... But that's actually beside the point.
Your frustration doesn't come close to my personal boundaries, and I don't even have to give you a reason. This goes for every single person on the planet, and any time, of any gender, in any situation.
Consent Communication
When it comes to that constant communication it doesn't even have to be that hard at all. “Is this okay?” is a great question. “Do you like this?” is another.
Even asking “Do you want me to stop?” or “Should I keep going?” are perfectly simple and reasonable questions that take no time at all and don't take away from the sexual enjoyment of the moment.
In situations where immediate visual or verbal consent is trickier (like in BDSM play where someone may be gagged or bound or otherwise restrained) there are ways to “check in”with your play partner to make sure they are still on board with your play. There are safe words and actions and signals that are worked out with the players beforehand, and communication is always a huge factor in heavier play.
Consent in Relationships
Someone commented on an article of mine recently saying that “consent in relationships is murky.” I had to comment and disagree wholeheartedly. The thing is, it actually doesn't matter if you've been with someone for ten days or ten years, consent is consent. If you don't want to have sex with your partner then you don't bloody have to! If this is a source of frustration and unrest in your relationship then the first thing I would suggest is a damn good and long conversation about it. About your individual wants and needs, about your boundaries, your sexual fantasies, your own sex life as a couple. It's one of the most important conversations you can have with your lover. It's up there with how to budget and do you want kids in the “important discussions partners should have” table. And if you can't have that conversation with your partner then perhaps it's a good idea to talk to a professional who can help you learn to broach these topics.
You do not owe anyone sex. Not your boyfriend or husband, not your girlfriend or wife, not the person you've been sexy snapchatting with all week. No-one.
Consent Lesson
A friend of mine on Twitter once told me the lesson she gave her teenage sons, and it's one I repeat often. “When it comes to sex, do not accept anything less than an enthusiastic yes. Anything else is just short-changing not only yourself but the person you're having sex with.”
And that's the crux really. Sex is fun, feels good and is good for you. But only if both parties are on the same page. And really, why would you even want to have sex with someone who doesn't really want to have sex with you? You're worth far more than that. And so are they.
67 comments
Megatartlet
More than a month agoWish I knew back when I was married I had a right to say no! And he used to do many of the things you mentioned in your article.
ReplyI didn’t know any different back then. But after confiding to friends I now know it was non consensual and helped me realise he was a narcissist and control freak. Divorce stopped all that and found a real man who treats me like a queen.
Mikeyincairns
More than a month agoSo, So true...
ReplyRespect for each other is paramount, and, as a male, I won't have it any other way!....
All the ladies deserve, (In My Own Opinion) , a lot better than some men will allow them to have!!!...
Very proud of all our women for who they are, and what they can, and have achieved!!!...
LOVE YAS GIRLS!...
MUCH RESPECT!!!...
Mikey...
Subverse68
More than a month agoSo succinctly put. Mandatory reading!!
ReplyHornman36
More than a month agoThankyou for writing such an important article.
Replym4451m
More than a month agoA really well written article, but I’ve never really understood why someone would want to “do something to someone” when that someone gains no pleasure. To me that lack of mutual satisfaction is the antithesis of great sex.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoNailed it Darlin...
Have a top weekend!...
Loves.
LongTermLover
More than a month agoWow! Seems there are a lot of women (in my experience at least) who don't know what consent is!
ReplyLetsgephysical1
More than a month agoO, I forgot, just thing you and I would not be here if a girl and a guy did not get together and make love and have sex, you are a beautiful person, are you not? I am one of the most amazing would be husbands and fathers a women could ever trip over but you girls just can see it:(
ReplyLetsgephysical1
More than a month agoWell im done then, Im ugly, women make me fell ugly, I have never been given the opportunity to have the most awesome and beautiful experience a person can have with a women and so there is no point to life. I am very much family and friend oriented guy and I get nothen because am disfigured.
ReplyI can under stand it from the point of view of those girls who are just not into sex but for those people who are into pleasure and reproductive sex it is psychologically and physically vital that we get our far shar of intimacy. It is unfair on me and my parents that I continue to be denied such a beautiful and health part of life. Yes this is life threatening stuff people and no one ever ask, are you ok?!
CFNM.4U
More than a month agoWell I think this should be a given. It frustrates me when I hear otherwise. And then it's annoying that this type of message is always heard. It's like there's a whole world out there of perpetrators and we should be given every opportunity to escape being in the hands of others. No to this, no to that. Even the yes's can be no's. And so that's it, always a no, as if fear rules, and that's ok, I'm not bagging the No's based on instincts when required. I hear No all the time and respect it, even those suspicious yes's scare me away.
But, can I just say, sexual activity is fun, it's also a scary adventure, so is a rollercoaster. It's pleasurable and an adventurous activity. Sure I've been burnt before, but then those hurts are a part of what has made me the wonderful person I am today. Don't let fear stop you. We all have that safety net of 'No' but make a crazy 'yes' sometimes and take it to the limit one more time. 'Yes' can be good too. I wish there were more 'Try this' articles.
So let me ask, how many times have you said 'no' to goods/activities you've never seen or tried? I guess safe is good, so be it.
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ReplyAMM.Editor
More than a month agoIt sounds like you might enjoy this article
Henmvy2
More than a month agoThe thing about the cup of tea is that just because you said yes to english breakfast, this does not mean you want to have earl grey. The point being every new activity needs consent. And you may want to have english breakfast without milk next time. So consent is an ongoing thing. And we all have to get used to asking for it.
ReplyLove.Doctor
More than a month agoNot a difficult topic to grasp...in fact this discussion wouldn't and shouldn't be needed if the 2 people involved truly love each other. When you have a mental true love connection the physical act of sex is nothing and doesn't even exist because the love you both know you share is so beautiful and overwhelming nothing else exists. The physical act just becomes the tool used to display the intertwining love that is pulsating inside both minds and hearts. The respect for each other is so high there is no need to have to ask for sex (or anything), check if sex in on tonight, bargain for it and so on.
ReplyUnluckilyinlove
More than a month agoThat's actually good advice. Very useful information to keep in the back of your mind.
ReplyHornyXXXXXX
More than a month agoNo means No I have seen some guys get very upset by this answer at parties, so they are asked to leave so they do not upset the party which would kill the atmosphere, and they will never get another invte. Respect at all time in any sex party is priority.
ReplyHolyHello
More than a month agoGreat...now I feel like a cup of tea after watching that video.
Anyone willing to make one for me? :)
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Replydavidwilson1
More than a month agoA real man knows when to stop I feel women r sacred and should b treated like a princess
davidwilson1
More than a month agoI'll make you a cuppa the tea and a good old English breakfast
Account Closed
More than a month agoAaw!...
I reckon I could make ya one
if I were in your neighborhood
for sure Darlin!
JustLookin022
More than a month agoWell written article, thank you well worth reading.
ReplyFoxDens.Mr.Fox
More than a month agoCouldn't have put it better ourselves.
ReplyAnd, a 'minimum standard' here at FDR-Everywhere!
Logan.J
More than a month agoScenario. Drunk women talking fmf sex, one thing leads to another. Ladies are playing next minute guy is fucking unicorn without asking if this ok unicorn is drunk and thinks meh then wakes up next morning and thinks wtf have I done. She was married with 2 kids and the couple that fucked her knew this. Consent given or drunk women taken advantage of.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoTaken advantage of - and if someone is that pissed, then it's not real sex anyway is it? Just sticking your dick in something handy.
dexteroustongue
More than a month agoWhy does gender even come into it?
justforfun558
More than a month agoI think the key is to be "upfront" from the beginning. I guess at my age, I know what I like and I know what I don't like. I tell men upfront what is a definite no for me. Anything that is not a "definite" no can be explored further, but if it's a "definite" no, there is just no way I will do it or let him do it. At this stage in my life I am in control of things and I like it that way.
ReplyJessyj
More than a month agoThank you so much for this awesome article. It sure was very well worth the read. My favourite line "If you don't want to have sex with your partner then you don't bloody have to!" sure makes sense to me. The tea clip is superb!!
ReplyXerxces
More than a month agoIts not rocket science. I have always known all this. Its common sense. I totally agree with everything you wrote and I hope people out there read this article and take note. Thanks for putting it on here.
Replywestcoastguy69
More than a month agoWell..all i have to say is this...if the other party isent keen at all and not showing true lust and consent then it wont be much fun at all.i can only truly get off by the woman enjoying it so much .that keeps the snow ball rolling..
ReplyFrankyJaye
More than a month agoSo love the tea analogy ... love the bit about changing your mind and about just because you did/wanted it last night.... so true ... in the past I have changed my mind and was made feel awful because of it.
ReplyLadyDragon
More than a month agoTheKnave:
Your comment should have quotes: Contradicting opinions are "thought crimes".
Regardless of YOUR OPINION, she is stating the legal ramifications and if you don't respect those, it's your life that will be damaged, along with the other YOU violated. Thankfully invaders like you were mostly lost in the medieval times and I have not met any like you and don't wish to. Weed them out in the text phase. Regrettably some women encourage you & your Neanderthal mates. They'll eventually find how limiting that behaviour is. Sad.
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ReplyEmmelineP
More than a month agoWell said, m'lady!
Account Closed
More than a month agoWhy should it be in "scare quotes"? I offered a different view on the issue of consent and was attacked by the "expert" and a conga line of pearl-clutching hens.
Like you.
Answer me this - does it turns you on when a man you're with asks you "Is this ok?"? Lol.
Many here,including Eva S Less, have absolutely no idea how a D/s interaction works. Consent IS a murky issue when a girl wants not to know what happens next. No couple sit around in their underwear going through what's about to happen act-by-actually to establish consent for every move,stop being so Utopian&ridiculous. The real world doesn't work that way.
The OP lays out her progressive, SJW-acceptable talking points around consent then gets her knickers in a twist when i make a contradictory argument.
You (as well as others - I'm looking at you Expert) have actually not comprehended what I've said. Read it again.
And try enunciating an argument without resorting to childish name calling.
Anyone else note that it's only women that do this?
Neanderthal man...slaying pussy since BC100000!
Account Closed
More than a month agoThanks for YOUR OPINION ladydragon.
Enjoy the weeding.
And the support of your little mate, Emmeline. Love your post Emmeline - profound& well-argued.
Account Closed
More than a month agoWell stated darlin...
Much respect!...
EmmelineP
More than a month agoWhat a brilliantly written article! I've never before seen the issue of consent set out so succinctly!
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoYour not fooling anyone - we all know this is World Renowned sexual Expert, Eva S Less.
Succinct? Expert took about a thousand words to say "Only yes means yes".
Emmeline needs a dictionary.
Account Closed
More than a month agoAnd well said too Emm...
Much Respect to you as well lovely lady!...
paddy138
More than a month agoA typical womans view.
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ReplyDeliciousEva
More than a month agoI know right.
How frivolous and hysterical are we who bear the majority of sexual assault.
Must be on my period.
:)
KinkyGirl101
More than a month agoReads. Removes paddy138 from Hotlist. We must be synced DeliciousEva.
Account Closed
More than a month agoLol :D
Good one Paddy... "Eva S less" is an intimacy expert dontcha know? Don't questionthe high priestess, she is the font of all sexual knowledge ! Bow or Pay!
Contradicting opinions are thought crimes.
Wouldbanng
More than a month agoManners make the man
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Replycoastiegirl80
More than a month agoAgree with you
TheKnave
More than a month agoInformed consent... Hmmm,interesting concept.
It doesn't square with the desire of a large majority of women to be taken/ravished/etc against their "will" by a dominant man (that they are into).
A vast majority of men are all about loud,obviously,continual consent when fucking a girl. We like to hear her scream,moan,squeal. The louder the better.
It's women who fantasize about rape,who get turned on by submission and having their consent taken away by a sexy,dominant guy.
So who is this article actually aimed at? Rapists?
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ReplyDeliciousEva
More than a month agoWell... Looks like you've completely missed the point.
Just a heads up. In BDSM play non consensual play is ALWAYS 100% consensual.
Please do some research before making comments that make you look... Well... A little creepy.
This article is aimed at people like you who don't seem to get it.
Account Closed
More than a month agoMissed the point did I "Eva S less"? What exactly was your point - that consent is required to have sex with someone? Gee,thanks for the heads up, it's always nice to get the lowdown from an undisputed "expert" on issues I had no idea about.
I think you should inform the authorities about this amazing new information, could be a real help to improve society.
Especially as we're in the middle of an insidious "rape culture".
Maybe you should do some research "Eva S less" - consent is a widely understood thing. Maybe you're rolling with a weird crew of sociopathic rapists where it's blurry.,I dunno.
My point regarding many women's desire to be "taken" without explicit consent stands. You just completely missed it. Try harder next time.
As for calling me "well...creepy" - nice SJW passive aggression right there for all to see.
Congratulations!
Account Closed
More than a month agoEeeeuuuww, I agree, Eva - so creepy.
I CERTAINLY have no fantasies about being dominated - I think this "man" needs yo have a good, long look at himself/
Account Closed
More than a month agoCreepy,creepy,creeper...
Leo "lady"....trying to speak for all women and what they desire? Hilarious.
Read my post again. Then try harder to refute my point instead of schoolyard name-calling.
If you're capable.
Account Closed
More than a month agoGEEZA!....Doooon't make it bad for the rest of us who have good intentions!...
Always Consensual!!!...
Have a nice day!
brazenhotlips
More than a month agoOh yes. Yes yes yes!
Reply10inchTrouble
More than a month agoThis is a great article.
ReplyAs a guy, it's been interesting reconciling my desire for enthusiastic consent from my partner with the fact that sometimes partners will tell me that they're not sure if they want sex or not, and I should just start and see if they get in the mood. I've had this happen a few times, and each time I've not been comfortable enough with that answer to go through with it, but I probe them and that genuinely seems to be what they want. Or maybe it's what they've had in past relationships and it's what they've grown to expect? I'm not sure. This seems to be especially common in longer term relationships I've had, where we've grown comfortable with each other. However I think all consent should be enthusiastic, even in longer term relationships!
forcemenow
More than a month agoGreat article, I couldn't agree more. I always have the conversation so that what's on and off the table is well understood before the games begin. There is no wondering, no confusion and no doubt about what's ok and what's not.
Replymicknz79
More than a month agoFair enough
ReplyAtomicCouple
More than a month agoOn AMM, we are looking for a yes. But that is often not enough. A virtual online kind of yes, can often mean "one day". It may mean I'd like to, but I'm too chicken to actually follow through. It may mean yes, however I failed to mention I haven't yet spoken to my partner. I've even had a no become a yes. They couldn't found the mythical female unicorn, so now would accept a couple. This time it was me to say, no thanks, we don't want to be a second rate after though. From experience an online yes needs to be accompanied by an enthusiastic "when shall we meet? " If you can detect maybe or one day between the lines, it's probably a no. Don't waste your time. I agree with this article : don't try to convince anyone. Either they are keen immediately or forget about it.
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Replyandy0071
More than a month agoI never have a "maybe one day" attitude but stilli t looks to me ppl think what your saying
So how do I over come this mentally
NoHarmInAsking
More than a month agoProbably an enthusiastic YES !
Reply.....should I ever be asked.
:-)
soapinmyeyes
More than a month agoHi Eva,
I'm glad you have written this article and hope it generates much discussion.
My interest in the subject of the right to informed consent and bodily integrity relates to another field, medicine. It is the case that in Australia in the doctor patient relationship that there are no such rights. The Guidelines for Informed Consent allow the removal of consent with an opinion that the patient is suffering from anasognosia, and thus the right to bodily integrity is non existent. No means Yes.
So I seek knowledge from an area where it is suggested that these rights are present, and the lines clear cut, though still struggle immensly when attempting to apply the principles from one relationship (sexual relationships) to the other (doc. patient).
Once again, thank you for the informative article.
kind regards
soap
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ReplyDeliciousEva
More than a month agoHi Soap.
In the simplest terms... In my rush to leave the house for work...
If someone is unconscious etc and cannot give consent, you are legally able to save their life... But it's illegal to have sex with them.
:)
UniqueHorn
More than a month agoActually Eva they dont even need to be unconcious. Saying the word "no" to drugs/treatment that you know will do you harm constitutes an emergency, and the right to consent can be removed, and coercion and force can then be used. When I questioned one doctor on this she explained that this is possible as the term "emergency" is rather subjective.
DeliciousEva
More than a month agoAnd this is why I am not a doctor.
Haha.
Thanks for the clarification.
Luckily I know sex and consent.
xE
Account Closed
More than a month agoJust as an example. A person may give informed consent, though not be enthusiastic. After having been given an explanation as to why I need a limb amputated, I may sign a form giving my consent to the procedure, but I would hardly be enthusiastic about it. Though I give it with a perceived future benefit. Is this not also the case in sexual relations? I may give my informed consent to engage in certain behaviours which I am not necessarily enthusiastic about, with some perceived future benefit in mind?
It is imo, worth examining these two sets of relationships with this in mind. What would be considered morally reprehensible in the area of sexual relations (no means yes) is accepted and lawful in the other.
Personally I would have thought that a right to bodily integrity was universal, lest it not be a right.
DeliciousEva
More than a month agoTo be completely blunt and honest... You're missing the point.
Your analogies aren't compatible and it's frustrating repeating myself.
Sex and medical procedures are different. The way we react, respond and communicate are different. The way we interact with a doctor v a lover are very different. The "perceived benefits" are different.
In your analogy it would be perfectly okay to hold down a distressed, and mentally incapacitated person and have sex with them if you believe you know better and are right... Because medical consent laws as stated above allows for that and can be absolutely necessary.
It is never necessary in sex. Ever.
So, I repeat, your analogies are incompatible.
Watch the tea video. That's an analogy that works.
KaifraDuet
More than a month ago"And really, why would you even want to have sex with someone who doesn't really want to have sex with you?" Unless you are a dyed-in the-wool narcissist, or an unmitigated control freak, that, Eva is the whole argument in one line. A well-written piece that deserves wider dissemination..
ReplyJhoping
More than a month agoI have never thought not to be upfront and honest, respecting the other parties wishes and lines that are not to be crossed, and I expect the same reciprocated. Isn't that a basic given, or have i missed a shift in community thinking?
ReplyI thought everything over the 'line' was not just illegal, but morally reprehensible.
allinmymind
More than a month agoI think men project in some situations how they feel about fooling around, especially with married women onto the women. Or how some married ladies feel about it onto other married women and expect them all to be the same.
ReplyI have had the situation where someone said I should go over the line to full on sex and come the time he said I wasn't enthusiastic and stopped and took condom off, I said I didn't want to go over the line in the first place, weeks before. No massage was going to fix that, and sometimes massages for "just do it" people are plain boring. Just because swingers parties sometimes have the format of massage to warm the women up doesn't mean it will work.
jimel14
More than a month agoWholeheartedly agree - there is something very horny about knowing that, what you are about to do (or are doing is) is turning the other "on" ----- that they WANT you to do "such and such" - now!
ReplyWe find also - that such situations often hinge (swing ;-) on what might be called a "clarifying conversation" beforehand - to establish some trust and respect - and agreed boundaries. Here's the fun - coming to one of those boundaries and checking to find --- that "yes - I will step over and try that a bit....!"
Consent is horny and sexy!
EngRose
More than a month agoGood article and so true.
Reply