How do you not get Jealous?

Chantelle Austin Chantelle Austin on 28 January 2021    19 comments
Woman with blonde hair sitting at a bar looking sad

People always ask me “how do you not get jealous?”

I just don’t! I have never been a jealous type of person but this has come up a few times where people have asked me that and it’s prompted me to take a deeper look into why I don’t…

I’m going to take you inside my head for just a moment to explain how I think. I promise you won’t be there long and it is perfectly safe; just keep your hands inside the vehicle, no flash photography, safety goggles and harnesses on, now hold on for the ride!

Let me ask this; what happens when you have something you love dearly that you’re afraid of losing? You hold onto it tighter, you keep an eye on it and you’re very particular about who you let borrow or take care of it!

What happens when you do that to a person? They feel suffocated, trapped and at some point, they’ll look for the fastest way out… You give them the freedom to be and they want to stay. So why would I act as if I’m afraid of losing him?

Now here is where it gets a little weird (well not for me but I’m in here all the time!)

Do you want to know the key thing that allows me to swing and not get jealous?

The one thing that makes all the difference?

It’s that I don’t look at my husband as "belonging" to me.

Granted that’s coming from a woman that doesn’t mind sharing but still! In my mind my husband is not a possession; I don’t own him and he doesn’t own me. It’s operating from a different level of respect; we allow the other to choose to stay with us for another day and when we focus on how grateful we are to have them in our lives, it’s hard to focus on "what if I lose them?" at the same time.

Seriously, you cannot hold both those thoughts at the same time, I dare you to try (suggesting you hold the being grateful thought though).

Now let’s just look at this a little further. Jealousy also comes from insecurities. I’m sure you’ve never done this but you might know someone that has, or I’m sure you’ve seen this; when one partner’s attention is diverted (only temporarily) to someone who looks like an ultra sexy supermodel that one could only ever dream of being with. What sometimes happens?

The thoughts start to creep in; they start to think "they must be better than me" and that their partner would prefer to be with them, when most of the time it’s not true!

This often stems from a person's sense of self; their self esteem, perhaps their sexual confidence and how comfortable they are in their own skin. If this is you, then it’s you that you need to work on first. Not the easiest thing in the world to do but the payoff is huge in your relationships!

I'm the first one to acknowledge that other women have bigger breasts than I do, a firmer butt than I do, less stretch marks than I do, more this, less that... basically there will always be someone I consider to be better looking than me in some way, but what's the point in getting upset about it?

Seriously, it’s a waste of time and energy that I could be spending either doing something about it (says she who's back at the gym), or putting my time and energy into enjoying the fact he is with me and doing something together that makes us happy.

If you'd rather not do the jealousy thing the key is to make it about them and not you. Think about it for a second, when you get jealous it's all about what YOU are not getting, or what YOU might lose... His happiness is what's important to me; I give him the freedom to make the comments about the hot chick that just walked past in a short skirt and boobs almost falling out, if he feels he can be honest with what he's thinking, without judgement or being slapped, he'll talk to me about his other deepest darkest desires.

When we're playing with other people, I love seeing him with someone else because he's having so much fun, he's doing something (or someone) new and enjoying the experience, and THAT is important to me; it's about him making the most of this life and me being able to do the same.

If he feels like he can relax with me and be himself, he's happy!

Imagine being with someone where you had to censor everything you wanted to say, felt like you were walking on egg shells trying not to upset them because of their jealousy... is it a relaxed relationship? Is it fun to be in? Are you likely to share everything with them? Hell no!

Now flip it, imagine being in a relationship where you were free to throw out the odd comment about how gorgeous a non-partner was, being able to share you deepest darkest desires which may include someone else, being able to be you in every aspect of the word and not be judged, not be worried about a negative reaction and only be greeted with support and encouragement... how does it make you feel? You want to stay there right?

I've just described the relationship I have and it's phenomenal; I am the happiest I can be and our love only grows stronger as a result of the openness we have, and it’s because of the way we both think! Seriously, be so grateful for every second you have together rather than in fear of it ending for whatever reason. Your gratefulness will help you move past the fear so you can allow them to choose to stay.

I give him freedom to be him, he gives me freedom to be me and we encourage and support each other every step of the way... neither one of us holds the other so tightly that they want to be anywhere else but here... And why would I want to be with someone else? With him I get to have my cake and eat it too!!!!

Something to think about.

Here’s to your sexual evolution!!!

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Comments (19)

  • Summerfun2021

    Summerfun2021
    Account closed

    Love it and so true. It’s wonderful to see the man you adore doing all that.
    >4w
    Reply
  • trusted8

    trusted8
    64M VIC,
     AU

    Loved reading your blog and description of how to accept each others reasoning regarding openness and controlling your jealousy......In real life, it takes two special people to relate openly to each other and get to that level of trust and freedom. There is always doubt in each others minds as to "what if".
    I am a very positive person and would love to have the freedom of a polyamorous relationship and I was told by my partner that because I pleasured her in every sense of the word, she didn't need to be with anyone else.....and I certainly don't want to go behind her back. Watch this space.....
    >4w
    Reply
  • HornyHedonists

    HornyHedonists
    Account closed

    Oh boy yes! I used to have a jealous streak - until I realised my partner was there for me first and last. It was an emotional "growing up" moment, and so liberating to let go of that nasty negative emotion.
    Oddly at the weekend we had a moment where HE got jealous of me. It was soon over when we talked about it but it felt horrible to be on the end of that suspicion. Made me realise what damage it can do if left to fester.
    Talk is important. Talk about sex, talk about emotions. It may be hard and take a few tries but it places the relationship on a totally different plane.
    >4w
    Reply
  • triXXXi66

    triXXXi66
    58F 58M SA,
     AU

    Good article for lots to read, this is how we run our partnership/ relationship. We are not married either but together nearly 27 years and swinging for 7. Its so true about being grateful and thankful and also about respect and happiness for the others desires. So true about the “ i dont own you”attitude , thats how we go about our lives.
    >4w
    Reply
  • phoenix1323

    phoenix1323
    50F Canberra, ACT,
     AU

    I’ve had a history of unfaithful partners, before I was in the lifestyle. There were some twinges of jealousy on my part, but the majority of jealousy in those relationships came from them.. I assume because they were projecting their unfaithfulness on me, accusing me of being unfaithful to them.
    Coming into the lifestyle I’ve learned a lot about myself as a person. Learned what it is to share not only myself, but also with someone who wants me to enjoy what makes me happy also. I was content with playmates but have now found someone who wants the same as I do, in a relationship. I couldn’t be happier, and look forward to how our lives develop together without jealousy being an issue. Awesome article as always.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Mindfood2

    Mindfood2
    68F QLD,
     AU

    Great topic..
    Thats why I prefer being a single..woman
    So that I dont have to be jealous
    Noone own anybody ..life is fun ..lets enjoy it while we can..
    >4w
    Reply
  • MissMasBeach

    MissMasBeach
    59M 56F Henley Beach, SA,
     AU

    Even in this lifestyle and even in open relationships we have all felt jealous at some point, and we have all probably been the subject of jealousy by our partners and others, whether we know it or not.
    It might not be logical, but it's a normal human feeling. Respect it.
    For me, what helps slay the green-eyed monster is talk and constant reassurance. I treasured a message from a lover who told me she was seeing someone else that afternoon "but don't worry, I'm yours".
    Give your partner what they need!
    And respect other people's relationships. I always make it crystal clear to my playmates, and their partners, that I am not here to steal the girl. I am just the entertainment, and they can throw me back in the pond any time they like :)
    >4w
    Reply
  • KinkyGirl101

    KinkyGirl101
    50F QLD,
     AU

    Years ago I dated a guy in an open marriage. For me I guess I thought initially we were having an affair but when he took me home to his place after work one night and openly took a call from his partner and said that I was staying over it became clear that I would only ever be his second, not his first. He said that as long as he always went home to her he was allowed as much freedom as he wanted. I do treasure the time I had with him as I feel in another lifetime we would have been soulmates and, knowing what I know now, I also would have given him his freedom.
    >4w
    • Fuckudeep129

      Fuckudeep129
      61M NSW,
       AU

      I understand where you're coming from, and I'm thinking i wouldn't go their, but on the other hand if it's a mutual understanding and agreeable, well each to their own
      >4w
    Reply
  • Funlovingone69

    Funlovingone69
    43F Windsor Gardens, SA,
     AU

    Thank you for sharing
    Really enjoyed your article
    >4w
    Reply
  • LongTermLover

    LongTermLover
    53M Minyama, QLD,
     AU

    IMHO it's insecurity about one's own body and traits that leads to jealousy and LOUSY sex. It ultimately destroys the relationship. We've all seen little Miss 'don't look at my stretch marks' or 'I'm too fat to wear that'! Not to mention Mr insecure who gets a hot girlfriend then won't let her wear anything that will draw another man's attention.
    >4w
    Reply
  • horny1panda

    horny1panda
    51M Millicent, SA,
     AU

    Jealousy is hard work tried it once didn't like it, now I'm rather flirtatious and a few of my partners couldn't handle that but I couldn't change that about myself I enjoy making other people feel good about themselves. I did find someone with a same thinking as means that was if I didn't want to be with you I would say so, trust honesty and questions and a healthy dose of curiosity. Rather than getting jealous if someone made my partner cum harder than she ever has I was curious on how
    >4w
    Reply
  • audeeo74

    audeeo74
    Account closed

    This is a fantastic eye opener for me and I realise I am a jealous person in my current relationship. We have swung and played solo, open and after going through the alphabet of possible scenario of sexual choices we have realised what suited us was to explore cuckolding. I get my needs meet and my partner his. Point is jealousy is a natural reaction to different situations be it wrong or right but to figure out the way around it or support the person or use it in a positive manor is the key. Only took us 4 years to finally get it right for both of us. Lol
    >4w
    Reply
  • Jellybeanflick

    Jellybeanflick
    Account closed

    It's impossible not too..Human nature,Your kidding yourself if you say you don't get jelouse.
    >4w
    Reply
  • MsBelle67

    MsBelle67
    Account closed

    I love this article - thank you for sharing x
    >4w
    Reply
  • Hornymrs

    Hornymrs
    42F 42M Emerald, QLD,
     AU

    So very true and makes a lot of sense to us. Granted it’s not for everyone but it comes back to the caged bird analogy. You can lock a bird in a cage it’s whole life but the moment you open the door and it comes back then it’s truly yours. Humans are not designed to be monogamous, the statistics will tell you that. Most of the problem is the male attitude and the lack of self confidence. Someone always has a bigger or better something. Have fun and enjoy this short life we have all been granted
    >4w
    Reply
  • SensualLover73

    SensualLover73
    51M Melbourne, VIC,
     AU

    Brilliantly articulated, and completely accurate also. A lot of people could learn a lot from this. If there is a basis for Swinging 101 - this would be it. In fact, it goes beyond that - it should be the basis for relationships in general....
    >4w
    Reply
  • HornyDevilz27

    HornyDevilz27
    Account closed

    I wish I was like chantelle she is so right about being jealous it will destroy you , your relationship, and what ever else it can . I am trying to work on my feelings at the moment and hope I come out the other end a lot better.
    >4w
    Reply
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