Focus on Boundaries not Rules in Polyamorous Relationships

People...I’m not a big fan of rules. Probably because so many of them exist solely to force me into wearing pants. But also, rules tend to come with this weird power dynamic that just doesn’t feel super chill. I mean, I get it, when I go to the zoo the rules telling me not to climb into the otter enclosure to skinny dip with them exist for my own safety. And I’m comfortable following those kinds of rules, because I trust that the zoo knows more about otters than I do.

But this is why it’s so hard to respect rules in other places, places where it’s not about my safety but about someone else’s arbitrary standards. Like when workplaces say I have to wear a skirt and heels to work in their office.

When it comes to polyamory, a lot of people have very strong opinions on the difference between ‘boundaries’ and ‘rules’ within relationships. If you’re relatively new to the scene, these kinds of distinctions can seem a bit nit-picky. Like, it’s my relationship, I get to do it the way I want to, right? You sure do, champ! But understanding why people see ‘rules’ as a bit of a red flag could help you build healthier relationships in the long run.

What’s the difference between boundaries and rules?

To oversimplify it, a rule is a ‘you’ statement and a boundary is an ‘I’ statement.

When you set a rule, you’re telling someone else what they can and can’t do. When you set a boundary you’re explaining what you are and aren’t comfortable with.

For instance “You will not have sex with your ex” is a rule you’re setting for your partner, whereas “I’m not comfortable with you banging your ex” sets your boundary, which you can then follow up with the outcome, “If you have sex with your ex, I might have to rethink our relationship.”

A boundary makes it about you and your needs and will often clearly state the outcome if your boundaries are violated. A rule is about telling someone else what you will let them do.

A lot of people who are just starting to open up their relationship will instinctively set rules for each other. Often rule setting is about feeling in control in a situation where we’re worried about losing control. We feel like rules will keep us safe. Setting rules like “You aren’t allowed to fuck any other men, only women” or “You have to call me before you have sex with someone” helps us feel like we’re maintaining order in the otherwise untamed wilderness of opening up. Like if we don’t set rules then it’s only a matter of time before our partner is fucking the entire championship football team and eloping with the head cheerleader. Opening an established relationship is an exercise in vulnerability, one where we might find ourselves questioning if we are ‘enough’ for our partner, or now that they’re free to pursue others, if they might find someone ‘better’ and leave us. So we try to create rules that we think will help to prevent that from happening.

Sometimes couples will set rules they mutually agree on. When this happens, it stops being a rule and becomes a shared expectation. For instance, couples who agree they won’t have unprotected sex with other partners, or will have regular STI checks together. Shared expectations are important in an open or polyamorous relationship, because they require trust and communication. They help remind us of the values we share with our established partner. Having shared goals and values in a relationship helps us to feel like we’re on the same ‘team’ and reinforces connection.

Control vs consent

When we set rules, we’re trying to control the behaviour of someone else. And often it’s not just their behaviour, but it’s their feelings as well. Some relationships will have rules like ‘You aren’t allowed to fall in love with anyone else.’

Controlling another person’s feelings or actions isn’t possible. We can absolutely try, with varying degrees of success, but ultimately each of us will make our own decisions. And often, the more rules in place, the more we’re likely to fantasise about breaking them.

Boundaries are about our own values and standards - the things we will and won’t consent to. Setting boundaries communicates the way we expect to be treated.

Instead of setting a rule about how many nights a week your partner is allowed to be out on dates, you can set a boundary saying how important quality time is to you.

Setting a boundary lets your partner know what matters to you, and then it’s their decision whether or not to respect that boundary. If someone doesn’t respect the boundaries you set, it lets you know the relationship isn’t sustainable or that you may need to re-examine your boundaries (for instance if your partner has consistently tried to respect your boundaries but feels they set unreasonable standards).

More than just words

Regardless of the type of relationship, when we use ‘you’ statements we immediately put people offside. Because let’s face it, no one enjoys being told what they can or can’t do (looking at you, otter enclosure at the zoo). You vs I statements aren’t just limited to setting rules either. When we have conversations about something that’s frustrating us and we start with ‘You always do X’ or ‘You never do Y’, people jump to defensive positions. Because being criticised is pretty shit, and our first instinct is to protect ourselves from attack. This has been demonstrated in many studies across business relationships, parenting, romantic relationships and more.

Understanding the difference between rules and boundaries is more than just a semantic difference though. It’s not about just switching around the words until it sounds right. It’s about taking the time to think through what you’re trying to achieve. If you want to set a rule like “You need to call me before you have sex with someone” changing it to “I need you to call me before you have sex with someone” can soften it, but you’re not addressing why you need this in place.

Examine your thought process. What does your partner calling you before they have sex achieve? What is the need you are trying to have met?

Maybe it’s important to you that they connect with you in some way before they physically connect with someone else. Or maybe it’s because you want time to process what’s about to happen so that you’re in a good place when you’re together next.

If you examine the rules you want to set and recognise that they’re coming from a place of control or fear, that’s a valuable realisation. Work through those feelings and see where they’re coming from. Maybe you want your partner to call because you want to feel involved in what your partner is doing. Or maybe it’s because you want a sense of control over what your partner is doing, and them calling you gives you the opportunity to talk them out of it or, if they don’t call you, you can punish them later.

Taking the time to examine our motives is important, because it helps ensure we’re actually framing things in the best possible way to have our needs met or working through some of the issues that could really hurt our partner and our relationship.

People will make their own choices

Whether you set rules, boundaries, or shared expectations, it’s important to remember that people will ultimately make their own decisions. We can’t control our partners, and we shouldn’t want to. Because if we clearly set our boundaries and they aren’t respected, then that’s our sign to put ourselves first and move on.

That is all. You may go now … but first otters!