Learn the subtle art of conversation to get more sex
Georgie Wolf
on 29 May 2021
16 comments
When it comes to finding play partners using online adult dating, being able to engage someone’s interest using the subtle art of conversation or banter is what takes us from ‘possibly interested’ to ‘definitely banging’.
I’ll admit, I prefer being direct. It’s served me well throughout my adult life, from dancefloor flirting (that the other person didn’t always pick up on until I said something), to awkward first meetings (when my date was relieved I’d told them how I was feeling!) When we make our intentions known, it becomes easier to get what we want.
But it’s not the whole picture. The key to having great sex isn’t just asking - it’s also about connection. And if you want to succeed at online dating, never underestimate the power of a good conversation!
These days, the internet makes it easy for us to find casual hook ups and fuck buddies - just put it in your online dating profile, or approach those who do, right? But there’s a side effect to this method, and it’s downright annoying. Often, I’ll get messages from guys online who have seen my ‘casual sex’ profile. They say, ‘Hey, when should we meet up?’ Because I’m looking for sex, these dudes assume I’m down to fuck anyone. Instead of having a polite conversation, they want to skip straight to the fun stuff.
When it comes to hooking up, talking first isn’t optional ... it’s essential. Just because a woman is on a sex dating website doesn’t mean she’s going to fall into your lap. She needs to feel safe and feel a connection. There’s a lot that holds women back from casual sex - knowing that someone will respect their boundaries and have good consent practices, for example. This stuff matters! And that means we need to get to know someone before we meet, to work out if they’re right for us.
Even if you’re just swapping jokes or talking about the last movie you saw, there’s a lot of subtext - your potential sex buddy will be using those conversations to decide whether to progress things further. If you’re falling over at this stage - if your initial chats never seem to lead to dates - maybe you need to work on your banter? Here’s how to use the art of good conversation to make a good first impression, prove you’re a great lay, and take things from the chatroom to the bedroom.
Learn how to create a genuine connection
Is there a connection? If you have nothing in common, it’s not going to work. We all prefer to be around people we like and share interests with. Talking is how we work this out.
You can build connection by asking questions and being curious about the person (not just focusing on whether you’re going to get sex). This is impossible to fake - you need to be genuinely interested. I often ask myself: ‘I wonder what this person is into? I wonder what sort of life experiences they’ve had, and what I can learn from them? How are they feeling right now? What might make them happy?’ Even if I don’t know the answers, it helps me pay attention to what they’re saying.
Useful lines:
- “I’d love to know a bit about you. What’s your life story in three sentences?”
- “Tell me the best thing that’s happened to you this week.”
- “Sounds like we’re into the same kinks - want to compare notes?”
Prove you’re fun to get naked with
Online adult dating is a numbers game. Not everyone is worth it - and finding out if someone is likely to be good in bed is another important first step, before we go further.
Dan Savage uses the phrase ‘GGG’ - ‘good, giving and game.’ Are you good at sex? Are you generous towards your partner? Are you down to try new things? I’d also add, do you have a positive attitude towards sex? Are you comfortable with yourself? These factors are the difference between an incredible sexual encounter and a terrible one.
What you do is much more important than what you say. Women have all heard, ‘I’m a nice guy’ and ‘I love pleasing women’, and we know it’s not always true. If you want to show you’re genuinely good in bed, start by being open and positive about your past experiences. Show an interest in how we feel and what we want. Don’t shame us for our sexual desires or kinks, even if they’re not your thing. Be honest about your level of experience - don’t try to beef up your sexual resume! We can smell bullshit a mile off.
An honest, positive vibe, means we’re more likely to assume you’re good in bed.
Useful lines:
- “I’ve had some good play sessions in the past. And I’ve met some really nice people.”
- “That’s not my kink specifically, but thanks for sharing it with me.”
- “I’m fairly new to this, but I’m learning a lot as I go. It’s been really fun.”
Show that you’re a safe person to be around
If you’ve done any online dating whatsoever, you’ll know that there are plenty of assholes out there. Feeling safe is my number one concern when I’m deciding whether to meet someone in person.
When I chat online, I spend the whole time trying to figure out whether others respect my needs and feelings, because it’s a good indicator of how they’ll treat me in real life. Note: safety is not just for women! Everyone’s safety matters, both physical and emotional. Coming home from a date with your self-esteem crushed because you’ve been treated badly is a really awful experience.
It starts with the small stuff. Not pushing for sex or nude selfies, asking their opinion and advice, being comfortable with disagreement, and respecting their boundaries. Again, this is something you need to demonstrate; you can say ‘trust me’ but it won’t ring true. Instead, ask what they need to feel safe. Show that you understand that this stuff matters.
Useful lines:
- “I’d love to talk in person. Where do you feel most comfortable meeting up?”
- “Totally understand if you don’t want to hook up straight away. I’m happy to meet and then see how you feel.”
- “I feel like we’re sexually compatible! Should we chat about what we’d get up to if we played together? Feel free to say no if you’re not ready to talk about that yet!”
Good banter isn’t optional ... it’s essential
Just because someone is ‘down to fuck’ doesn’t mean they’ll jump into bed with the first stranger they meet. When you understand the value of good conversation, you can use it to your advantage.
Take an interest in your date, and you’ll create a connection that will encourage them to take things further. Demonstrate you’re a good lay, and they might be more enthusiastic about getting naked with you. And if you can show you’re a safe person to be around, they’re more likely to see you as a good choice for a sexual adventure.
Banter, if you do it right, can take your online interactions into the real world and lead to some VERY fun experiences. It’s well worth the effort.
Likes & Comments
Comments (16)
phoenix1323
MissAffection
triXXXi66
Succubus90
Aries4000
Mischeviouslad
Funcouple478
FrankieNBruce
INFJBrett81
IndianSpice94
BeachBabe13
barkly48
intrigued16
AMM.Editor
barkly48
niceguymal