What if I can’t get it up on the night?

Well you wouldn’t be the first and I’m sure you won’t be the last to have this issue I can promise you that! We’ve have playmates who, for one reason or another, haven’t been able to get it up or just keep it up.

Now when a girl (or guy depending what you’re into) really wants a piece of you, you could imagine there being some pressure to perform, yeah? Well in your head, yes! But the reality is that most people I know (including myself) are pretty easy going and while yes, sometimes we really want your “rock hardness”, it’s not the only part of you that can satisfy and at the end of the day, it’s all supposed to be fun!

The hardest part (of the softest… kidding), is that you put too much pressure on yourself and often that stress alone is what causes the issue. Other times it can be whatever state altering “drugs” you’ve taken for the fun of it. We’ve certainly come across guys who have trouble keeping it up when they’ve taken “pills” or “E” (Ecstasy or various mixes of it).

We were with one couple and he only had the issue when there were other people involved, in other words, anytime he wasn’t alone with his wife. He was so worried about performing that he couldn’t get it up and then felt worse because he couldn’t. It became hard for them both because he wanted to but when they swapped partners, she was able to go all the way with the other male, but he couldn’t with the other female.

Here’s the thing though, while my husband was having sex in all sorts of positions right next to us with her, he was doing some fantastic things with his tongue on me. I had lots of fun, both watching the live porn show next to me and getting stimulated at the same time. It didn’t matter to me that I wasn’t getting penis! It’s only fun if everyone is having fun. If one person is stressed out, other people feel it and they get stressed out then no one enjoys it.

So guys, here are my top tips for getting over this minor issue… and yes, it is minor!

• RELAX!!!! Do whatever you need to do to chill out. Now that might be to have a couple of drinks (a couple versus being so blind drunk you can’t get it up anyway!) You may need to start in a no-pressure environment like anywhere BUT the bedroom!
• Don’t focus on the “problem”. If you’re saying things to yourself like “what if I can’t get it up?” or “I hope I don’t get nervous”, then you’re telling your unconscious mind what you want to happen. Focus instead of how awesome it is to be in a situation where you’re all having a fantastic time; imagine you being the stallion of the evening… even if you don’t think of yourself that way, you’ll go a lot further to performing like one! Focus on what you want to have happen instead of what you don’t want, Stud!

If it’s a real concern and not getting any better, go and see someone professional like your GP to get checked out (if you are having trouble even with your partner) to make sure that there isn’t something else going on. They can refer you to a specialist or a therapist that is more than equipped to assist you (mmm, equipped… sorry, bad pun!)

Or see someone who works with the mind (Life Coach, Psychologist, Hypnotherapist etc), they are more likely to help with the mental aspect of what’s going on, especially if it is just when you are in the swinging scene that this problem appears.

For the partners of men with this minor issue: It’s really important that you don’t make a big deal of it. I highly recommend that you don’t point and laugh or make any comments in reference to its lack of hardness or size.

Men seem to be rather precious when it comes to their “manhood” and being anything other than fully sympathetic/empathetic is not going to get him hard enough to pound you right then and there. You also run the risk of making it worse, so if you want to have him hard sometime soon then I’d suggest stroking his ego and not just his penis.

If it’s an ongoing issue, apart from seeing someone professionally for it, try playing with the same people on a regular basis. People you know and trust, that you could tell about the issue, and are easy going plus prepared to go with the flow regardless of his performance. The more comfortable your man feels around them, the easier it will be for him to relax and after some time, get over the issue naturally.

For the playmates on the scene when something like this happens, the absolute best thing you can do for him (and everyone else involved) is to make out like it’s not a big deal (and for most people it really isn’t). Get him doing something else to you or engage him in something with someone else. The point being to get his head off what’s not happening and into something that is… His hormones will more than likely kick in of their own accord at some stage and the show will be back on!

The biggest thing you need to remember is that is it all just for fun guys. The majority of people engaged in this lifestyle are easy going and not fussed if for one evening your penis isn’t as involved as it could be. Learn to get good at everything else and no one will ever notice anyway!

1 comment

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  BlackFish71

  More than a month ago

  It feels like there is a missing piece to this whole ED/Performance Anxiety discussion (not just here, but generally). That is, the guy's pleasure. Without an erection the guy's pleasure is somewhere between zero and not much. So, yes he might be able to please and pleasure his partner or playmate, but he will be left frustrated and jerking of to porn.
  Agreed that sometimes doing other things with the partner/playmate will get things working. The partner/playmate is always understanding and supportive, but that doesn't always help.
  Keen to hear from others experience, the tips and tricks they use to find their mojo. The ED drugs are only part of the solution and won't work if you're not arroused.

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