How to let go of shame - both in and outside the bedroom
Nicole Carrington-Sima
on 7 January 2021
23 comments
Imagine accepting and loving yourself completely; forgiving yourself your past mistakes and embracing all your own special, weird and wonderful quirks - the things that make you uniquely you. Imagine that.
Instead, so many of us are plagued by shame and guilt. There’s a seemingly endless list of things we can mentally self-flagellate and torture ourselves over when it comes to our sex lives and beyond.
You might feel ashamed about your sexual preferences, history and kinks or even learn to despise your perfectly imperfect healthy body or genitalia just because yours doesn't look like the unrealistic robots you see in porn movies.
Or, maybe you think you aren’t good enough in bed; no one will want to have sex with you because your poor body didn’t snap back fast enough like a supermodel’s post-birth; do you want too much sex, or not at all; have you had too many sexual partners or not enough?
Then there’s the sex guilt and shame over the quality of our orgasms - are they not earth-shattering enough? Or do we hate ourselves every time we fake an orgasm because our partner couldn’t find his way to a clitoris even if there was a map?
Are we too single or not single for long enough? And the list goes on.
Shame, guilt, self-hatred and humiliation, which are inextricably linked, are incredibly bad for your health, not to mention your mojo.
These negative emotions are often all consuming, self-defeating and destructive - and will put you at higher risk of depression and anxiety disorders, according to health experts.
I’m here to tell you that sexual shame or otherwise has no place in your life, either inside or outside of the bedroom.
It doesn’t matter if you want to have a wild orgy; if you love sex in the great outdoors, or if you need to dress up as a Wookie in order to climax.
Everyone is unique and different - but happily, and chances are, others share your particular brand of kink. As long as it’s legal, no one is getting harmed and consent is granted - no one has the right to judge you or shame you.
So, first ask yourself - where does your inner shame and guilt come from? What are your triggers?
Maybe you’re worried about violating archaic family or social norms, or you’ve been unlucky enough to suffer the harsh, judgmental and unforgiving gaze of parents, frenemies or lovers, all your life?
After all, men and women are, from birth, weighed down heavily by the need to “fit in” and not be too different, or stand out too much. And often if you do stray from the norm from a young age, you quickly learn that this exposes you to potential public ridicule and bullying.
Our small children must assimilate and wear uniforms, no individual distinguished from the rest - and for many men, this learned, “safe” behaviour extends well into mid-life. Go to any corporate office in Australia, or any black-tie event - and high chances are, the men will be mostly dressed the same. Apparently, the fear of being different is too risky and dangerous.
It’s time to be brave, let go of your shame and start living your best life! Unfortunately, it ain’t going to be easy - because the buck starts and stops with you. You’re going to have to do the hard work to get past this awful shame business.
For shame has real staying power; it’s much easier to apologise for a seeming transgression and internalise the self-loathing, than it is to truly accept yourself, flaws and all. You’ve got to take a long hard look in the mirror and really start loving yourself a whole lot more.
You have power over your own thoughts. And once you start to accept yourself, and offer yourself the same kindness you so easily extend to others - that’s when the healing truly begins.
After all, it’s much harder for others’ mean and judgmental thoughts on how you choose to live your life to affect you, if you truly give zero fucks.
If you are really struggling with achieving this - don’t be afraid (or too ashamed!) to seek professional counselling. Remember, conquering your demons makes you brave, not weak.
The opposite of shame is dignity, self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect - so start putting that into action now.
One of the best things about ageing, I find, is that you genuinely care much less about what others think of you. You’re much more comfortable in your own skin, and all the pain and lessons and heartbreak you’ve endured accumulate like warrior scars of wisdom.
In my opinion women in particular get far more interesting with age; we’re smarter, sexier, more confident and assertive, and far less inclined to be shackled by societal expectations of what we should and shouldn’t do.
Oh, you don’t approve of our choices? Are our bodies not pleasing enough, or too sexual to your eye? Or are we too smart, outspoken, sexual, self-assured and confident to meet your narrow expectations of what a woman should be? Frankly, I’m all out of fucks to give - and I want women to embrace this too.
Life is hard enough - finding happiness and meaning and meeting our own expectations on love, family, friendships and careers – you really can’t put any energy into worrying about what others think of you. And if your loved ones can’t accept you and appreciate you - just as you are - then do they really deserve to be in your life?
Self-love, forgiveness and acceptance - it all begins and ends with you. Put an end to shame! It’s time to start truly living for you, in the present, unburdened by the past. Go get em, tiger!
23 comments
mischief85
More than a month agoIv been ashamed about my body for almost my whole life (35 years) Iv been overweight since i was 8 and was teased, bullied, ignored, laughed at etc etc Into adult hood, i had no interest from the opposite sex and have only been in 2 relationships. Iv never been able to 'hook-up' with a girl at a bar or club or randomly ask out a girl and she say yes. All of this has just built up the shame to disgust to self hatred of my body. I feel undeserving of intimacy. This site doesnt help much either as all i get is no after no. I havnt had sex in 9 years and my mental health is deteriating rapidly.
ReplyJayvon
More than a month agoWe find that body shape, penis size and age aren’t what makes someone sexy. It’s a state of mind. If you feel hot and sexy. Guess what? Others see you that way. Our hottest times are with people who think and act like sex. Gods and goddesses. Nothing to do with body or age they just radiate sexy.
ReplyNaughtydouble2
More than a month agoGood read, I think it’s important people take the time to read and understand articles like this it’s the first step to self freedom.
ReplyCopperTop111
More than a month agoVery good article..what about guilt of the heart? Some one steals your heart ..you know its over and they are not coming back but you still feel guilty doing it with some one else.
ReplyLongTermLover
More than a month agoI think men suffer this equally if not more than women, at least in the sexuality department. I've read gender articles that calculate there are at least twice as many bi-curious men as women. Yet it seems like every other female profile says bi-curious and no men dare say it. Why I don't know? Probably due to the prejudice from the number of women who state explicitly they don't want bi or bi-curious males. While I'm on my soap box, why doesn't AMM have a 'hetro-flexible' gender type? They have every other possible gender orientation....
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ReplyAMM.Editor
More than a month agoYour point about bi men is a very valid one and we've actually had a member suggest we write about it on the blog. I have noted your suggestion to add hetero flexible as an option under sexual orientation.
phoenix1323
More than a month agoI think it’s because there’s been a stigma about men liking men for too long, but thankfully that’s changing slowly.
Women with women has always been on the fantasy side, it’s always seemed acceptable for many men, and some women. There hasn’t been as much exposure of men with men as yet.
However, just like some men aren’t into women on women ( believe it or not, they are out there lol ), some women don’t like the thought of men on men. It’s a personal choice. I know women that wouldn’t consider being with someone who has ever been with another man, but I know women, including myself, for whom that is a turn on. It just depends on your own perspective.
LongTermLover
More than a month agoI raised the hetro-flexible label, but perhaps I'm not educated enough, or too old-fashioned in my understanding.
As far as I'm aware:
- A heterosexual is someone attracted to the opposite gender romantically AND sexually
- A bisexual can be attracted to the same or opposite gender romantically OR sexually
- Bi-curious is the same as bisexual but they've only been there (romantically or sexually) with one gender (usually the opposite) and are curious about going there with the same gender
I don't fit any of these, so that's where I label myself hetro-flexible. I'm only attracted to the opposite gender romantically and sexually, but if the opportunity arises (ie. threesome etc) I have been and are happy to sexually please and be pleased by the same gender. This is a downright turn on if his partner is getting off on it!
That said I was raised by religious and sexually repressed parents who believed love and sexual attraction were the same thing, never have sex before marriage, homosexuality is a mortal sin and my favourite quote "every time you touch yourself an angel looses her wings!"
AMM.Editor
More than a month agoOn our blog article which explained the dozens of sexual identity labels which are out there both for gender and attaction it was defined as:
Heteroflexible: Identifying as heterosexual, with minimal attraction to same sex or other sex. Not necessarily bisexual. Often classed as “mostly straight”.
So your more detailed explanation is spot on.
The distinction however is that it isn't a gender, it's a sexual orientation.
LongTermLover
More than a month agoOkay thanks. Looking for the article now.
Annandalesparky
More than a month agoI agree wholeheartedly with the ‘hetetro flexible’ description, I too am not attracted to men, but more than happy to play in a three some situation.
195Dee
More than a month agoGreat to read but as an ageing closet cross dresser who craves to strut my stuff or lack of it, I still feel like a sad embarrassed individual who would simply ruin so much family trust if I stepped out of line in public. It’s just 40 years too late for me . But cheers for the article
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Replyphoenix1323
More than a month agoIt’s never too late. The first step is being kind to yourself.
LongTermLover
More than a month agoI don't get the whole cross-dressing thing, but I feel for your pain and inability to be who you're meant to be mate. The world is still so f*cked up and prejudiced.
Account Closed
More than a month agoI never have seen a woman say she would like a guy who has feminine tendencies and likes to express that in private scenes yet they all want there macho guys to be sensitive, caring and compassionate.
KinkyGirl101
More than a month ago@dee195 I disagree and there was a recent article about men wearing women's underwear with a lot of positive member comments
Account Closed
More than a month agoOkay, well that’s a positive. However I’ve had very few females look at my profile even though I’d prefer women.
AMM.Editor
More than a month agoDee 195 can I offer some suggestions? You don't have cross dressing or kink in your sexual interests so women searching for men into those things won't find you. Are you visiting lots of female profiles that you're interested in so that the members see you are viewing their profiles? Also a coloured profile photo has a lot more impact on the site. I love the image with the sexy black glove over your breasts. You need to make sure you stand out. And if you would prefer women then make that the focus of your profile in looking for. Also you say you're married but not if you are on here with your partner's blessing and that's also a big thing for many women. I do love your profile wording though so well done.
Account Closed
More than a month agoMuch appreciated:) it’s a learning curve and I’m enjoying the site and having some great chats. Dee.
friskypuz
More than a month agoNo shame here.. Bit of a shameless hussy
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ReplyZamboon
More than a month agoYoure what we all want to be - stay lovely and dont change please
Zamboon
More than a month agoFantastic article well done, and to all those who feel the shame and humiliation my heart goes out to you - communicate and talk about your concerns and seek professional help theres no shame in that ...
ReplyNow if only I could shoot when I ejaculate .....
3TimeLucky
More than a month agoWhat a beautiful written article. Thank you for sharing
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