How to let go of shame - both in and outside the bedroom
Nicole Carrington-Sima
on 7 January 2021
23 comments
Imagine accepting and loving yourself completely; forgiving yourself your past mistakes and embracing all your own special, weird and wonderful quirks - the things that make you uniquely you. Imagine that.
Instead, so many of us are plagued by shame and guilt. There’s a seemingly endless list of things we can mentally self-flagellate and torture ourselves over when it comes to our sex lives and beyond.
You might feel ashamed about your sexual preferences, history and kinks or even learn to despise your perfectly imperfect healthy body or genitalia just because yours doesn't look like the unrealistic robots you see in porn movies.
Or, maybe you think you aren’t good enough in bed; no one will want to have sex with you because your poor body didn’t snap back fast enough like a supermodel’s post-birth; do you want too much sex, or not at all; have you had too many sexual partners or not enough?
Then there’s the sex guilt and shame over the quality of our orgasms - are they not earth-shattering enough? Or do we hate ourselves every time we fake an orgasm because our partner couldn’t find his way to a clitoris even if there was a map?
Are we too single or not single for long enough? And the list goes on.
Shame, guilt, self-hatred and humiliation, which are inextricably linked, are incredibly bad for your health, not to mention your mojo.
These negative emotions are often all consuming, self-defeating and destructive - and will put you at higher risk of depression and anxiety disorders, according to health experts.
I’m here to tell you that sexual shame or otherwise has no place in your life, either inside or outside of the bedroom.
It doesn’t matter if you want to have a wild orgy; if you love sex in the great outdoors, or if you need to dress up as a Wookie in order to climax.
Everyone is unique and different - but happily, and chances are, others share your particular brand of kink. As long as it’s legal, no one is getting harmed and consent is granted - no one has the right to judge you or shame you.
So, first ask yourself - where does your inner shame and guilt come from? What are your triggers?
Maybe you’re worried about violating archaic family or social norms, or you’ve been unlucky enough to suffer the harsh, judgmental and unforgiving gaze of parents, frenemies or lovers, all your life?
After all, men and women are, from birth, weighed down heavily by the need to “fit in” and not be too different, or stand out too much. And often if you do stray from the norm from a young age, you quickly learn that this exposes you to potential public ridicule and bullying.
Our small children must assimilate and wear uniforms, no individual distinguished from the rest - and for many men, this learned, “safe” behaviour extends well into mid-life. Go to any corporate office in Australia, or any black-tie event - and high chances are, the men will be mostly dressed the same. Apparently, the fear of being different is too risky and dangerous.
It’s time to be brave, let go of your shame and start living your best life! Unfortunately, it ain’t going to be easy - because the buck starts and stops with you. You’re going to have to do the hard work to get past this awful shame business.
For shame has real staying power; it’s much easier to apologise for a seeming transgression and internalise the self-loathing, than it is to truly accept yourself, flaws and all. You’ve got to take a long hard look in the mirror and really start loving yourself a whole lot more.
You have power over your own thoughts. And once you start to accept yourself, and offer yourself the same kindness you so easily extend to others - that’s when the healing truly begins.
After all, it’s much harder for others’ mean and judgmental thoughts on how you choose to live your life to affect you, if you truly give zero fucks.
If you are really struggling with achieving this - don’t be afraid (or too ashamed!) to seek professional counselling. Remember, conquering your demons makes you brave, not weak.
The opposite of shame is dignity, self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect - so start putting that into action now.
One of the best things about ageing, I find, is that you genuinely care much less about what others think of you. You’re much more comfortable in your own skin, and all the pain and lessons and heartbreak you’ve endured accumulate like warrior scars of wisdom.
In my opinion women in particular get far more interesting with age; we’re smarter, sexier, more confident and assertive, and far less inclined to be shackled by societal expectations of what we should and shouldn’t do.
Oh, you don’t approve of our choices? Are our bodies not pleasing enough, or too sexual to your eye? Or are we too smart, outspoken, sexual, self-assured and confident to meet your narrow expectations of what a woman should be? Frankly, I’m all out of fucks to give - and I want women to embrace this too.
Life is hard enough - finding happiness and meaning and meeting our own expectations on love, family, friendships and careers – you really can’t put any energy into worrying about what others think of you. And if your loved ones can’t accept you and appreciate you - just as you are - then do they really deserve to be in your life?
Self-love, forgiveness and acceptance - it all begins and ends with you. Put an end to shame! It’s time to start truly living for you, in the present, unburdened by the past. Go get em, tiger!
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