A Beginner's Guide to Rough Sex

Eva Sless Eva Sless on 21 April 2020    21 comments
Woman dominating her partner in bed by pulling his hair roughly as they stare into each other's eyes

A few years ago, when a certain book came onto the scene, a whole new world of sex seemed to open up to people who had never really thought that much about it. Rough and kinky. Dominating and stern. Oh yeah… It was huge. Hardware stores reported a growth in the sales of certain ropes and chains, and emergency rooms saw an increase in the number of people being injured by such things… 

You see, the thing about fantasy and reality is that they are actually two very different things and when all you have to go on is badly written fantasy, without any of the actual facts or understanding of what is involved, you and your partners may end up getting hurt... And I mean more than the fun kind. 

When it comes to experimenting with rough sex for the first time, it is absolutely vital you understand what it is you actually want, as opposed to what you think you actually want. And to start it all off slowly and carefully, and always be mindful of communication and consent.

What Is Rough Sex?

The thing is, like almost everything in this world to do with the things we like and dislike, what constitutes as “rough sex” is pretty subjective and up to each individual to work out on their own, but for the purposes of this piece, and the “beginner” notion to it, we will be talking about your basic spanking, hair-pulling, restraining, and some associated add-ons to those. So how do you get it all started?

Talk About It

This is so important. And I don’t mean just saying, “Ooh let’s rough it up a bit tonight” and then leaving it at that because that is far too broad a spectrum and leaves a whole lot of room for misunderstanding. While you’re thinking “I hope he spanks me”, he might be thinking “Fuck, does she want me to indulge in a rape fantasy??” So it is really important to be clear about what you want. The conversation doesn’t have to be a blow by blow break down of every event in order, but it does need to be informative and explanatory. 

Talk About It More

So, once you’ve had the conversation… Have it again. I mean it. Talk about it a lot before you actually indulge. Maybe send some sexy texts to each other or some pictures or porn clips about what you’ve been discussing. Come to a very mutual understanding of the activities you want to share, including all the stuff you really don’t want to do… Because that’s probably a much more important conversation in the long run… Your limits.

Consent, Limits, and Safe Words

Consent. This is the most important thing in sex. All sex. Rough or not. Being clear about what you want and don’t want, and both you and your play partners knowing you (and they) can change your mind about any of them in any way at any time. While you may think you’re going to love spanking, if, after two slaps on the butt, you decide you don’t want to do it any more, you can absolutely withdraw your consent. If you thought you’d totally be into tying your girlfriend up, blindfolding her and fucking her, but realise a little bit into it that it’s actually making you uncomfortable and you’d rather not play any more, then it is okay to stop. Not all sex is for everyone and knowing this and acting on it before you fuck yourself up is a really mature and healthy thing to be able to do. 

When it comes to rough sex play the use of a safe word is imperative for a whole lot of reasons. The main one usually being that rough sex and role play can often involve things like the words “no” and “stop” being part of the fantasy… So finding a word like “Marmalade” which will never be spoken in that particular context is vital so it can signal to your partner that you do want to cease playing, and re-assess the activity and action and either stop altogether or find another thing to do.

So… Now you have consent and a safe word, let’s get into it!

Spanking Good Fun

Spanking is probably the most common introduction to “rough sex” a lot of us have. It’s fun and playful and can give both parties a little boost of adrenaline and pleasure mixed with the little sting of pain. For the most part light spanking has no lasting effects or marks and just adds to the pleasurable action as it’s happening, but for some people, getting a slightly harder spanking, so that the redness and feeling of it lasts well beyond the play is what it’s all about. 

If you think you want to try it, the best advice is to start of nice and lightly and on the roundest, fleshiest parts of the butt cheeks. Starting light is recommended because you can always ask someone to go a bit harder, but if it is too hard and painful at first it may turn you off ever trying it again. The positioning of where you spank is really important too. Too high on the butt and you risk hitting kidneys and other organs, and too low means you may accidentally whack more sensitive areas you weren’t aiming for. While many people enjoy spanking as an addition to sex (most often in positions like doggy as the access to the butt cheeks is perfect) others like it on it’s own as a sole activity. Whether over the knee punishment style or perhaps while standing spread-eagled facing a wall, spanking on its own is just as much a sex act as penetration and other forms of sexual play. 

While yes you can get accessories like paddles and crops to help you explore this stuff, for beginners it’s always best to just start manually with your hands and work yourself up to implements and expensive items.

Hair Pulling

I know, there is nothing quite as painful and un-sexy as having your hair pulled in the wrong way. You remember scrag fights in high school? Boys yanking hard on ponytails? Getting your hair tangled up in a crappy hair tie and having to rip it out of your head…? 

Yeah, to a lot of people the mere idea of hair-pulling being sexy or enjoyable is just bizarre, but if done right, and in the right moments, it can actually be an amazingly erotic experience. The trick is to get a lot of hair, hold it close to the scalp, and pull firmly but with not too much of a yank. While the feeling of individual hairs being pulled out is rather unpleasant, the grip and control someone can have with a fistful of your hair in their hands can be something quite different. This is completely gender neutral too. Her gripping onto your hair in fists as your mouth works magic between her thighs is definitely something many men love, and which they see as a definite compliment to their skills and sexiness.

Hold Me Down

As mentioned in the intro, when people think of rough or kinky sex they often think of accessories like ropes and chains etc, and get themselves into a whole lot of “oh shit, this isn’t what I thought it would be” when they try and put it all together. Wanting to be tied up and held down and over-powered is a pretty common fantasy for many women, but (like mentioned above) the fantasy and the reality differ a lot in practice. Before you go running off to Bunnings try extending the fantasies into reality without doing much differently at all. For example, instead of ropes or cuffs, try getting your partner to just hold your hands and arms down above your head. The feeling of submission is still there, but it won’t leave a rope burn. Similarly get them to lie heavily on top of you and restrain your legs with theirs. Getting used to the sensations and feelings of being submissive or over-powered can take a bit of getting used to so start slowly with items you already have at home like stockings and business ties before you go off spending money on things you may decide you actually don’t enjoy.

Talk Dirty To Me!

Oh yes… The ol’ dirty talk. The hit and miss conversations of the erotic world. From the awkwardness of the panties your mother laid out for you (thank you Seinfeld), to the over enthusiastic albeit very confusing “I want to fuck you in mud, you bitch” that I once got from a dude after I mentioned I liked dirty talk once, talking dirty in the bedroom can definitely have it’s ups and downs. If done right it can be incredible, and if done wrong… Well I hope you can laugh it off together and not have them walk out in disgust like what happened in Seinfeld, or break the poor dudes heart from laughing like I did with mud dude. When it comes to rough sex play I often find that talking goes hand in hand. Spanking: “You’re so bad”. Restraining: “I’m gonna fuck you hard now.” Oral: “Do you like how I taste? Lick it aaalll up” 

Little phrases about what you’re doing. What they’re doing. Add the word “fuck” in there a bit. Lower your voice to deep and sultry. Demand, don’t ask (within the bounds of your limits and consent obviously). Whisper roughly in their ear “I like fucking you.” “I like making you scream” “You’re all mine and I’m going to take what I want”. 

Play Fighting and Wrestling

Having a little bit of rough and tumble with your lover can be a really fun and exciting way to spice up your sexy time and is quite often used as a bit of foreplay to get the blood pumping and the juices flowing. From pillow fights to actual wrestling, the operative word in this activity is "play". It should be fun and feisty and not scary and intimidating at all. Tickle fights, playful poking, even little pranks can be a fun way to start the fun, but please be aware of your partner's cues and safe words as quite often irritation can lead to anger and then the "play" part disappears and you end up just being mean and possibly abusive. Because there can often be vast differences in strength between partners it is imperative to have "rules" that are fair, or switch up the games regularly, so that everyone has the opportunity to "win". As with a lot of rough sex activities you can always combine a few different things together, like spanking or hair pulling, or even turn it into a "catch and tie up" game or incorporate it into a role play setting. It's all about fun and frivolity so make sure you're both laughing and having fun and, as an aside, it's really great exercise too!

Have Fun

Look this really is the whole thing isn’t it. Sex should never be hard work (unless it’s your job of course, sending solidarity to all my SW mates out there) and it should always be enjoyable. Laughing and not taking it too seriously should be the play of the day and everything else you get to do is a bonus to that. Starting to explore your more kinky side can definitely be a bit of a learning curve, and one that can come with a few hits and misses along the way, but the one thing we all get with experience is wiser, and when it comes to sex, and knowing your own body, your own likes and dislikes, and your own willingness to discover hidden depths of your sexuality you never knew were there, well that’s a sort of wisdom that can only make us all, and the world, a better place.

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Comments (21)

  • Mr.Joshua

    Mr.Joshua
    Account closed

    This is what I needed, thanks Eva for a fun, funny and informed look at getting started with roughing it up!
    Such a tricky area too, and you’re so right about communication and consent and making that part of the foreplay, sexy texts and clips.
    I will definitely read this article again when things start returning to normal! But I’m not going to go away empty handed, I think I will try spicing things up in the bedroom tonight by mentioning wrestling...
    Something along the lines of ‘Hey Penis, it’s just you and me, alone ... again. Want to wrestle? ... alone, ...again.
    Stay safe ya’ll. J
    >4w
    Reply
  • Aussiebushman

    Aussiebushman
    62M Maitland Bar, NSW,
     AU

    Thank you, this article could not have come at a better time. My partner and i have just opened up to each other about our curiosity of trying all that you spoke about. Your article has been extremely helpful.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Dirty.Martini

    Dirty.Martini
    50M Thornbury, VIC,
     AU

    Another great article! While I’ve indulged in and enjoyed all of the activities described in this article, I’ll admit I’ve not appreciated the importance of discussing them thoroughly before leaping in. I imagine that’s the case with most people. For most it’s probably a cursory “do you want to”? and off you go, without properly examining if your understanding of what a particular kink involves is the same as your playmate’s.
    Oh, and tips for restraints that don’t involve your hardware store and are effective and comfortable - satin table runners - find them on eBay in any colour you like (yes, black and deep red, for the purists...), and long silk scarves you can generally find in abundance at your local op shop.
    >4w
    Reply
  • bambilovebris

    bambilovebris
    Account closed

    I guess im way to new as my female self to even consider the requests of many men, as a transgender woman that is heterosexual men are very new in my life. personally although it is exciting and very natural being with men it also scares the hell out of me. I think words make a big difference, how a man uses words to discuss various sexual desires can be everything from inspiring, sleazy to outright fear. Similar intention same message but choice of words can make a huge difference.
    >4w
    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva
      48F Reservoir, VIC,
       AU

      Ooh good luck and have fun in your new experiences!!
      And yes... Words and the way they are written or spoken can be the very difference between sultry or sinister.
      xx
      >4w
    Reply
  • Ifuwannadome

    Ifuwannadome
    61F Hobart, TAS,
     AU

    I lov roughing up my guys just dont like it if they squeal to much lol
    >4w
    Reply
  • FlirtyDuo

    FlirtyDuo
    Account closed

    Whilst we personally do not enjoy, nor tolerate rough sex, hair pulling, chocking, spanking nor anything disrespectful towards women, it is best to always discuss such issues / likes / dislikes before engaging in these with a lover/ playmate.
    Just because the women in the porn movie seemed to be enjoying being treated that way, does not mean that all women will enjoy that kind of treatment. When in doubt, simply ask the question. That way there will be no nasty surprises.
    >4w
    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva
      48F Reservoir, VIC,
       AU

      There's nothing disrespectful about consensual fun.
      Please don't put your own moral judgements on other's enjoyment .... Or, in more fun terms: Don't yuck someone's yum.
      Cheers.
      >4w
    • Mr.Joshua

      Mr.Joshua
      Account closed

      Don’t yuk someone’s yum !
      So much this... and it applies on AMM and in the Office and street, etc
      As long as based on communication and consent. Awesome expression, even better attitude to integrate into your daily. IMHO
      J
      >4w
    • FlirtyDuo

      FlirtyDuo
      Account closed

      Eva
      We did not judge . We said that we personally do not tolerate nor enjoy ... anything that (we) consider to be disrespectful towards women. Our opinion . Our choice . Our right.
      Are we not entitled to have an opinion?
      As long as all parties agree to it then it’s fine .
      Not everyone enjoys rough sex. Just as not everyone enjoys being spanked or choked.
      We would never allow anyone to spank not choke us. Our right . It’s got nothing to do with yucking someone’s yum.
      You can’t expect everyone to agree with your articles .
      We all have the right to choose what we like / dislike
      >4w
    • KinkyGirl101

      KinkyGirl101
      50F QLD,
       AU

      Just to chime in with, I'm sure, another unwanted opinion - this article says nothing about this being "done" to women (and here I'm reading your interpretation as "done to women by a man"). As I stated in my comment I just love a bit of consensual play fighting and hair pulling with my male partner and I'm definitely the one on top. And I do enjoy spanking a nice round bottom if presented to me and I'm asked nicely - but only a female bottom - nothing can compare to warming up your play partner and seeing the blush and hearing their moans, watching the rhythm and their breathing and adjusting your spanking until ... well I think you can guess the rest.
      And it's definitely not about being disrespectful to women. The article is about consensual play. Consensual.
      >4w
    • FlirtyDuo

      FlirtyDuo
      Account closed

      KinkyGirl
      The main point that we were trying to make is that anything is possible as long as it is discussed beforehand and is consensual. The emphasis being on CONSENTUAL
      I personally don’t enjoy rough sex . But then I also don’t enjoy watching porn where the woman is perceived to be dominated and treated badly. There should never be a correlation between sex and violence (be it physical and or psychological ) and the depiction of this in porn movies has been well studied. The concern is that some guys learn from porn and they think that it’s acceptable to be rough, violent, and disrespectful towards the woman, even if it’s play acting .
      Don’t get me wrong . Some women enjoy it and others don’t.
      I once had a guy slap me around during sex , pull my hair and try to choke me. He had a crazy look in his eyes and he frightened the shit out of me, to the point where I honestly believed he would harm me physically. His excuse was that he had seen it in porn movies and thought that all women liked to be treated in such a manner . And therein lies the danger .
      He quickly got booted out.
      If and when my husband and I play with others, we make it very VERY clear what our boundaries are, long before we even meet up for drinks. That way we have had very few nasty / unpleasant experiences although you do get some guys that try their luck and or get carried away in the moment.
      Good healthy debate is important . We cannot all enjoy the same things. We also cannot all have the same opinions and share the same beliefs and standards.
      Our differences are what makes life interesting . As the saying goes “ different strokes for different folks “
      >4w
    Reply
  • KinkyGirl101

    KinkyGirl101
    50F QLD,
     AU

    So I have to play fair? Damn. I love playfighting but the competitive side (and the Dom side) comes out and I probably have crossed the boundaries a couple of times. Love hair pulling like shown in the pic, such a turn on to have that level of control and see a man go weak at the knees because of it. Great article.
    >4w
    Reply
  • gc.fun

    gc.fun
    Account closed

    Thanks Eva great article. I recently met a lady who asked after our second meeting if i had ever tried D/s activities. I do enjoy a bit of kink and wanted to know more. Well i have now been introduced to what a sub truly likes in terms of spanking etc. I too was wary of what constitutes demeaning behavior towards women at least I thought I did. But this fully consensual experience took me to a new level of understanding. It has bought out my natural alpha tendencies and allowed me to explore my dominant side. I guess now I'm a convert to D/s fun.
    >4w
    Reply
  • shortcub

    shortcub
    Account closed

    There is always that thought, “how is my need to be dominated and play like I’m being used or abused clouding or influencing my need or desire to play rough?” I know I crave it, but I also know that it’s very much connected with being a victim/survivor of sexual abuse.
    I don’t pass any moral judgement, because consensual play is consensual regardless of how vanilla or kinky. But I do know a great number of women and those AFAB individuals, like myself, who have rough sexual play inexorably attached to past sexual trauma. And I’m not sure that’s healthy for us.
    But, in the end it’s my decision, my experience, my body. I’ll work it out for myself and trust that other adults will do the same.
    >4w
    Reply
  • MissThatTouch.

    MissThatTouch.
    Account closed

    A brilliant article once again Eva..thank you! Your mention of mud dude had me giggling.. have you ever asked Google "Hey Google...talk dirty to me!"...the answers vary when you ask repeatedly...hilarious! (mud gets a mention)
    >4w
    Reply
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