How to talk a woman into bed

Nicole Carrington-Sima Nicole Carrington-Sima on 1 February 2020    73 comments
Good looking man with arm tatooes lying on bed with his partner caressing his shoulder and smiling at him

“And all I need now is intellectual intercourse, A soul to dig the hole much deeper.” - Alanis Morissette, All I Really Want

When the “queen of alt-rock angst”, Alanis Morissette, sang about her deep hunger for “intellectual intercourse” in her 1995 hit album, Jagged Little Pill, she was well ahead of her time - her gritty lyrics can well be applied to modern online dating in 2019.  

For many of my single women friends lament about how soulless online adult dating has become - all unsolicited dick pics and very little effort from men to really get to know their prospective partners.

“It’s like men don’t even have to try anymore,” recently complained one such sexy, smart and sassy singleton over drinks. “I just want one who can spark with me in and out of bed. Have men forgotten how to really speak to women?”

Now, before I get accused of man-bashing here, the vast majority of my friends are female, so for all I know men are experiencing these same frustrations.

What women really want, I think - is ultimately that heady mix of a mind/body fuck. And what I mean by this, is a man who can excite them mentally as well as physically. Most women need this mind connection to really get off.

Who wants to spend their time getting busy on a Friday night with a crude and disrespectful guy who can’t even communicate with them with flirty spunk and cleverness in short, sharp bursts online or via text?

The women I talk to share stories of guys on online dating sites who go straight from “hello” to sharing their Private Gallery of dick pics. Now, I’m going to boldly state here that NO woman has ever been truly turned on by the unsolicited sight of a stranger’s hairy scrotum.

No! What we really want is the seemingly lost art of clever conversation! Banter! The basic manners/effort of wooing a partner into bed. 

Women enjoy a good, no-frills sex romp as much as the next red-blooded male - but we want to feel like you’ve made a damn effort to get to know us a bit first, too.

After all, isn’t sex all the more exciting and fulfilling when you are mentally connected to your partner?

Women aren’t expecting deep, probing discussions about climate change or Brexit, but you can make the very basic effort to find out what makes her tick. What does she like in and out of bed? What is she passionate about?

In my early 30s, against my better judgement, I fell into bed (and love) with a very unsuitable suitor who was a long-time, close male friend. The relationship was doomed from the start - as was the friendship - but my god, it was thrilling for a time.

He was a scruffy bloke with a dodgy dating history - a fellow journalist who excited my mind as well as my body. We literally danced around each other for years, while we bedded other people. He never once approved of my matches and my partners hated him on sight too. And little wonder - he was always the insidious “back-up plan” waiting for me with wine, sympathy and sexy words every time one of my relationships fell apart.

He was not right for me - but from him, I’m grateful to have learned the lesson of the mind/body connection - just how much hotter sex can be when someone truly gets inside your head and shares your passions and/or sense of humour - they leave you begging for physical release.

He had me bewitched - we could talk for hours about all manner of topics and never tire of each other. He was smart, funny and knew how to use clever words to his advantage, emailing me from dawn until dusk when we were apart.

In addition, he also knew me extremely well - so well, in fact, that he’d long known I’d want a deep, long-term monogamous relationship in the end - something he couldn’t give me. And of course, it was no surprise that shortly after I finally gave up Mr Back-up Plan, I met my guy - my now-husband. 

So, guys (and girls) how can you make like my Mr Wrong and excite your lover’s brain? How can you use language to achieve more orgasms?

Let’s look at some basic dating dos and don’ts (15 of them, but I could go on). NB: These can easily apply to both sexes and any sexual preferences.

What you should do:

  1. Be interested and interesting. Use your brain.
  2. Find out what she’s passionate about.
  3. Ask her about herself.
  4. Ask her about her day.
  5. Learn what she likes reading/watching.
  6. Find out which is her fave sex position. 
  7. Compliment her – make her feel beautiful and desirable.
  8. Be sexy and playful and warm.
  9. Be charming, courteous and well-mannered. Good manners are HOT!
  10. Be confident, bold and manly – while always first asking for her consent.
  11. Ask her what she likes in a partner.
  12. Talk honestly and openly – earn her trust.
  13. Look for qualities you admire in her other than her bedroom skills.
  14. Love women: Be fun, kind, flirty and enjoy their company both inside and outside of the bedroom. 
  15. Be emotionally strong, independent and self-sufficient.

What you shouldn’t do:

  1. Tell her you’re uninterested in conversation.
  2. Say you have no passions.
  3. Talk incessantly about only yourself.
  4. Send her unsolicited dick pics.
  5. Tell her what to read/watch.
  6. Ask how many sex partners she’s had.
  7. Make negative comments to her about body or her preferences.
  8. Be cold, aloof and emotionally distant.
  9. Treat her like a piece of meat or be rude and arrogant.
  10. Don’t be too cautious and polite when it comes to personal contact - always get consent and check signs she’s into you - but do take life by the balls and plant that passionate kiss!
  11. Talk non-stop about your ex/s.
  12. Be dishonest, guarded and creepy. 
  13. Be insecure and misogynistic and make no attempt to get to know her.
  14. If you’re easily intimidated by women because you’ve been dumped or rejected, this is the ultimate turn-off.
  15. Treat your partner like your personal psychologist, bank or business mentor. No stage-five clingers, either!

And big bonus points for being genuinely funny and light-hearted and not taking yourself too seriously - because dating is pretty ridiculous and awkward at first, right?

Remember: Respectful language and behaviour is key. No one thinks “He’s rude/crude and can’t communicate - that’s hot!”, do they? 

So, guys (and girls), make a damn effort when it comes to how you communicate with and relate to your prospective partners. Don’t you ultimately want to enjoy more hot sex? Go get em, tiger.

What do you think? Tell us how you use word play to entice partners into bed.

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Comments (73)

  • Darkstud

    Darkstud
    53M Brisbane, QLD,
     AU

    How true. I have found out that women like the male to be just be himself, natural and true. But I have had my bad moments too when I have said something very general and the woman all of a sudden stop responding. I am very careful with my words but still can't understand how someone can abruptly end the conversation.
    >4w
    Reply
  • paddy138

    paddy138
    Account closed

    Gotta find one first.
    >4w
    Reply
  • KinkyGirl101

    KinkyGirl101
    50F QLD,
     AU

    What a perfect opportunity for men to comment on this and impress the ladies. Go get'em boys!
    >4w
    Reply
  • DDdelite

    DDdelite
    Account closed

    Bang on! Mental stimulation, intelligent banter, being genuinely funny and well mannered.......
    ........ every single time mmm x
    >4w
    Reply
  • BareNakedLady73

    BareNakedLady73
    Account closed

    "I'm not the easiest person to know and few people stick around to find out who I am because they are normally after one thing"
    This is among what is written on my profile - because it's the truth!
    Great article, bang on.
    >4w
    Reply
  • estravan

    estravan
    Account closed

    Yes I agree totally. Women need an intellectual and emotional connection as well as the physical. The brain is the largest sex organ and men become lazy. This annoys me because by the time I finally get to chat to a woman they can be very guarded and jaded by their previous experiences with narcissistic men. Men need to be interesting and show her how you would value to her life. ;)
    >4w
    Reply
  • Call.me.x23

    Call.me.x23
    Account closed

    Be yourself!
    >4w
    Reply
  • SweetDesire26

    SweetDesire26
    56F QLD,
     AU

    Omg this is so 100% right abd men should read this, you go into chat rooms on here to talk and its everything u said shouldnt be done is being intelligent, able to communicate, and stimulate is far more a sexy turn on for any woman .
    >4w
    Reply
  • parrikeet

    parrikeet
    80M Frenchs Forest, NSW,
     AU

    Number 10 on the above lists reminds me of the word "spinster", as in someone is trying to put a new spin on the word "Bold". Being bold means to take risks. Where's the risk if you have to get permission first? These lists will eventually lead to many women becoming acquainted with the original meaning of the word "Spinster". The truth is out there but nobody wants to hear it.
    Let the Textual Tournament begin. (For you young'uns that means 'take your shot' or 'do your best' .)
    >4w
    • KinkyGirl101

      KinkyGirl101
      50F QLD,
       AU

      Wow, not giving a shit about consent will have your inbox flooded with offers ... not!
      >4w
    • parrikeet

      parrikeet
      80M Frenchs Forest, NSW,
       AU

      I hope you realise that by attacking the messenger and not the message means that the message must be right. However I think you've missed the point. I'm saying that Number 10 is illogical. If you want "consent", you cannot expect "Bold" as they are diametrically opposed to each other.
      >4w
    • KinkyGirl101

      KinkyGirl101
      50F QLD,
       AU

      Of course you can be bold but still ask for consent. They're not polar opposites. They are two totally different things. Being bold is saying "I'd like to wear a strap-on and fuck your little arse until you come", asking consent is adding postscript"is that something you'd like me to do?". But thanks, mansplaining is my second favourite thing, right after consent.
      >4w
    • Mr.Joshua

      Mr.Joshua
      Account closed

      Hey parrikeet,
      I think you can be bold by discussing boundaries - indeed for someone of my vintage (or upbringing) that has been a giant learning curve for me. Talking about what we both want to have happen - instead of letting it happen non-verbally and just seeing how it goes. And I also hear you are concerned that the lack of spontaneity would render sex boring. Maybe that’s true, but what if the “consent talk” was not some rigid ‘do you consent to me kissing you’ but asking about what the person likes or is in to?
      >4w
    • parrikeet

      parrikeet
      80M Frenchs Forest, NSW,
       AU

      You can twist it any way you want to but you cant get away from the fact that being bold means taking risks and receiving consent removes any risks. if you are not taking a risk then you are not being bold. To put it simply, consent nullifies boldness.
      >4w
    • Br3tt81

      Br3tt81
      Account closed

      Telling the other party what you want is the bold and risky part, it's showing vulnerability and facing potential rejection
      Not having the other parties consent is displaying disrespect and not a safe person to be vulnerable with
      >4w
    • parrikeet

      parrikeet
      80M Frenchs Forest, NSW,
       AU

      Before consent is given, you are not telling the other person what you want, you are actually just making a request and the other person has the right of veto. There is nothing bold in that. However, at no stage of this discussion have I said not to get consent. My point is that you can either be bold or get consent, not both.
      >4w
    • Mr.Joshua

      Mr.Joshua
      Account closed

      If I may be so bold, may I suggest that boldness and consent can coexist peacefully within the same sentence?
      But I also recognise your right to dig in and defend your point on any 10 words of a 3000 word essay. Best of luck out there, my fine feathered friend.
      >4w
    Reply
  • Mr.Joshua

    Mr.Joshua
    Account closed

    Nicole,
    Great article, I agree that and believe that respect is a huge part of what happens between clicking on an intriguing profile and falling into bed.
    I haven’t been on here (or any dating site) for very long and didn’t know what to expect or any of the etiquette (so your do’s and don’ts are great).
    I learned that women get flooded with messages and winks so if I get a response, that’s great and something to be thankful for.
    For me, and I think it’s true for others, this is a place where people are making themselves really vulnerable. And I always try to honour that.
    I could never walk into a room with potentially 1000’s of people and take off my shirt and say:
    “Hi I’m looking to find a friend with benefits, I think I’m funny, I’m a little over weight, I’m seperated from my ex, I work in the energy industry, I love 69’ing, and if anyone wants me.. I'll just be standing here waiting.”
    And yet that’s what we’re all doing, in essence. And as a straight white male, I have it easy as compared: no one is going to comment on my weight, sexual orientation, preferred gender title, Past trauma etc.
    So yes, respect the vulnerability we are all showing. And if we start from that point, maybe we can be more respectful in interactions online, which will set the stage for mutual respect/consent in real life.
    Mr.J
    >4w
    • sexintheday

      sexintheday
      Account closed

      That was an interesting comparison. At least online we are anonymous and if nobody is interested in us, then it is not humiliating because nobody else needs to know
      >4w
    Reply
  • barkly48

    barkly48
    67M Bendigo, VIC,
     AU

    All well and good but to start any sort of conversation there needs to be a reply. My experience is 1 out of 10 messages are even read and then 1 in 5 of those are answered. Then I have to convince them I'm real and genuine...! I know I'm not a stud and I don't try to be but it's difficult to show it if there isnt any interest shown.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Mobydick4000

    Mobydick4000
    45M Melbourne, VIC,
     AU

    I have all this in my profile. This will depend on the woman also. Many female profile will state what they want in physical attributes ie over 6' height, fit, muscles or athletic, well hung etc. Women can make physical preferences their first deciding factor as their yes or no before they continue to learn about the guy or reply. Even now I'm corresponding with someone who wants to know length as they have an 8" minimum. But I agree with HOT - Honest and Open communication creates Trust. Conversation is the best form of foreplay.
    >4w
    • sexintheday

      sexintheday
      Account closed

      And you think girls do not have the same problem? Women are judged far more on their looks than men are, and a lot of us ended up at the back of the queue when the looks were handed out, AND in society, a woman cannot make the first contact, or she is considered desperate, so, we cannot initiate an introduction, unlike guys, who may risk being refused, but, at least they could have a try, they do not have to sit there and wear a fake smile and hope that SOMEONE thinks she might be pretty enough to ask to dance/go out on a date/ introduce to the guys
      >4w
    Reply
  • brazenhotlips

    brazenhotlips
    55F Monash, ACT,
     AU

    Yessssss!
    >4w
    Reply
  • parrikeet

    parrikeet
    80M Frenchs Forest, NSW,
     AU

    Re Number 10 on the lists.
    It would seem that the word "Bold" has a different meaning in female dictionaries compare to that in male dictionaries.
    Definition in a male dictionary.
    "When you act in a bold way, you're taking some kind of risk; you could be risking physical danger, embarrassment, or your reputation. Whatever bold actions you take, they are confident and fearless."
    >4w
    Reply
  • The comment has been hidden or removed!
    • Mr.Joshua

      Mr.Joshua
      Account closed

      Hey MeTime2020,
      Those are crappy messages to receive even once, let alone multiple times
      IMHO the issue, which is not just limited to AMM is that there are a lot of adolescents aged 20, 30,40....
      I can see that stuff coming out of the mouth of a 14year old, but I not someone who has a grown up perspective on life.
      hopefully a few people will see this thread and rethink what they are writing, thanks.
      >4w
    • barkly48

      barkly48
      67M Bendigo, VIC,
       AU

      MeTime2020, If I was sending those types of messages, I would expect to be ignored. What makes any guy think that will work... Unfortunately, "Hi, how are you today?" doesn't either...
      >4w
    • MeTime2020

      MeTime2020
      Account closed

      Each to their own and what they're looking for, my point was to start off by being a tool, gets them nowhere fast.
      >4w
  • HStryker

    HStryker
    40M 52F Boronia, VIC,
     AU

    I’ve tried the do’s and try to avoid the don’ts, but I can’t keep a relationship. Any suggestions?
    >4w
    Reply
  • Zamboon

    Zamboon
    66M Bridgeman Downs, QLD,
     AU

    Great article I hope the Neanderthals read it too ...
    I say do all of those compliment and try to be sincere - and try your best - sometimes your best just doesn’t cut it - there’s a reason why some girls go for the wild guys - but one piece of advice - if you’re in any doubt as to whether you should kiss the lady - just kiss her !!! You never know and if she slaps you at least you had a kiss !
    >4w
    Reply
  • Br3tt81

    Br3tt81
    Account closed

    I feel a lot, not all, of the points in this article applies to all people
    >4w
    Reply
  • Do_it_4_Fun

    Do_it_4_Fun
    40M 38F Sydney, NSW,
     AU

    I'll pass on a tip,
    Gentlemen if you want to talk me in to bed - get your Wife/Girlfriend to do it lol
    >4w
    Reply
  • Hungriderxxx

    Hungriderxxx
    45M Tullamarine, VIC,
     AU

    Um, yeah, us men love this also. But we are sick and tired of being every woman’s ‘different’ guy and when we start the banter, it mostly turns into a one sided convo from us because most respond back in the convo in one or two word answers. Very quick turn off. Today’s dating is a minefield of mental miscommunication.
    >4w
    • Br3tt81

      Br3tt81
      Account closed

      Perhaps the type of banter is not appreciated and to avoid conflict short answers or getting blown off is employed?
      >4w
    Reply
  • Aloha19

    Aloha19
    49M Melbourne, VIC,
     AU

    If you wanna learn how to catch a fish who would you talk to - the fish or the fisherman?
    Lol
    Never listen to "what women want". They don't even know themselves, god bless them.
    >4w
    Reply
  • GentleDom2020

    GentleDom2020
    Account closed

    Dirty talk and role play in bed is much hotter than any of these vanilla suggestions. How was your day? Lol.
    >4w
    Reply
  • nqsensualgent

    nqsensualgent
    74M Townsville, QLD,
     AU

    Oh so true - BUT, very occasionally there is a woman like the one (had a partner) who called me while I was having dinner some distance from where I was, saying "I'm hot, I want it now, be here in 15 mins or it's off!" Fortunately, I didn't attempt to go. Course women are as bad as course men.
    Equally off putting are the women who one may be corresponding with & with one wrong word, one wrong sentence & they drop you immediately with no come back at all.
    Thankfully most women (& couples) are normal people who mostly deserve respect, & most enjoy a chat (not about the weather) & when sufficiently aroused will give off small signals to indicated they are interested in something further.
    >4w
    • sexintheday

      sexintheday
      Account closed

      I do not think the woman was being coarse. I think she was trying to act towards you as we women have been taught to believe that you want us to be. We have been told that men like us if we are a slut in bed, and that was what she was trying to convey. She did not know you were out at dinner, that sort of information does not come up on the mobile's screen
      >4w
    • nqsensualgent

      nqsensualgent
      74M Townsville, QLD,
       AU

      Thanks sexintheday, the woman concerned was told of my situation - just said "Well if you can't be here in 15 mins, that's it."
      Yes, I like women to be & play sexy but this situation made me step back a notch.
      >4w
    Reply
  • Sashnate

    Sashnate
    36M 28F Beenleigh, QLD,
     AU

    Yea that's great, but most of the time online when you put that sort of effort in, you get one sentance responses.
    >4w
    Reply
  • jenoo1

    jenoo1
    41M Sinnamon Park, QLD,
     AU

    You say you must show interest in getting to know her but don't ask how many sex partners she's had? Why not?
    That's the kind of thing that interests me and turns me on is hearing about her sexual adventures, and in fact informs me on what she likes and doesn't.
    >4w
    • KinkyGirl101

      KinkyGirl101
      50F QLD,
       AU

      Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would feel very uncomfortable if someone asked me how many sex partners I'd had. Women don't know if you genuinely want to find out that we've had more than you or if you then label us a "slut". I prefer to retain a bit of mystery.
      >4w
    • jenoo1

      jenoo1
      41M Sinnamon Park, QLD,
       AU

      I guess that's why I don't understand, because I embrace a woman's sexuality. I think it should be celebrated and explored not hidden.
      Fair enough if you don't want to share, but if I asked it would be non judgemental. I guess the best way to ask is "are you comfortable sharing your sexual past, like number of partners and your best/worst experiences?"
      >4w
    • sexintheday

      sexintheday
      Account closed

      I am always happy to talk about previous lovers. They each taught me something and that is what I am bringing to the table. I know it titillates a guy to hear about my previous exploits, and, after all, isn't that what I am trying to do? And my reliving the stories is a turn on for me, so that I am getting excited about any sort of action that might come up, which makes me more attractive.
      >4w
    Reply
  • sowetandkinky

    sowetandkinky
    Account closed

    hi thats ok to say talk to woman ... i have lost count of how many times i have typed out a message to a lady or couple and really put a lot of thought into it to not have even receive a reply to our message ......
    >4w
    Reply
  • Edie.S

    Edie.S
    43F Newtown, NSW,
     AU

    I have definitely got a banter test going on that is as important as a guys pics...
    And, to his credit, once hooked up with someone who did that really annoying thing of carrying on after you send a polite no. But turned out he was funny and sharp, and the sex was way better for that
    >4w
    Reply
  • Unmoderated

    Unmoderated
    Account closed

    How to talk a man into bed:
    Find out which is his fave sex position.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Meg1987

    Meg1987
    Account closed

    You really need to send this to every male on here. The amount of abusive messages I’ve received from men here because I haven’t had the time/ been flooded with messages is very disheartening
    >4w
    Reply
  • FungaSafari

    FungaSafari
    82M Lane Cove North, NSW,
     AU

    An interesting article – I trust that my much later response is still acknowledged as the article remains topical forever. The mark of a good article is shown by posts for and against the proposition put forward. They say that in an established relationship the greatest aphrodisiac for a woman is the man volunteering and doing the dishes.
    I suspect, though this article is aimed at that dating and mating jungle epitomised by AMM. In my narrow and limited experience (and surely my view is as valid as any one else) I don’t personally believe that good manners and compliments will achieve that goal. It seems to me that despite what many ladies may say in their profiles about good manners and compliments in their profile they are more likely to go for a “piece of rough” and indeed in this game nice blokes finish last!
    Just by way of example (and I am only using one) I seemed to have a reasonable text communication with one lady on the topic of age. However, there is no way I would have pursued her as she had already ruled me out on account of my age and moreover her location (while not wholly insurmountable) never made her an attractive target for me.
    So I thought I had a reasonably civilised discourse with her. She had agreed with the premise of the article, while I took the opposite view ie that in my narrow experience on this Site good manners and compliments did not seem to attract the ladies but rather they seemed to have a preference for a “piece of rough”. Anyway she was one of those “rare” ladies on this site providing a full facial profile. I concluded my text conversation by stating that she had a lovely face and in my view therein lay her sex appeal. Of course I was being totally honest with what I saw there. However, she took umbrage at what I said and threatened to block me if I ever contacted her again. I repeat that I was never dating her nor enticing her to bed only continuing a text conversation which I had begun with her and which had seemed to prior to this discussion to be a civilised discourse between two adults.
    Suffice it is to say that through her actions she only reinforced my above views. Was it offensive of me to say “sex” on this site! Should I have said charms instead? What it also showed me was that underneath that the veneer of a beautiful facial profile was some one whose attitudes and behaviour I frankly find abhorrent. And that for me was a complete turn-off, despite how pleasant her face may have appeared in her profile photo. By blocking me she would have also done me a favour, no longer having to view her profile among the many others, which may be more of interest to me.
    We spend much more of our life out of then in bed. Common courtesies and good manners make for good interaction between fellow human beings. They should also help in the bed room department. Beauty of both body (including the face) and mind should provide the icing on the cake! Because for us males having enticed a lady into bed we also have to perform. Beauty in the eye of the beholder (ie the ladies sex appeal) is what makes us reciprocate to that outer and inner beauty.
    >4w
    Reply
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