The Lying, Cheating and Deception of an Affair
This is the second article I have written on this topic this week. I had to throw the first away. It was your typical sexpert/relationship psychology stuff about communication and trust. I looked at the research about predictors of infidelity, and the papers talked about evolutionary urges and relationship satisfaction and religiosity and opportunity. It was well researched and made sense.
I talked about how when you set up boundaries early with a new partner you can avoid hurt and disappointment. I suggested that if you are in a longer term relationship, you should try talking about your sexual needs and find solutions and compromises. Who knows what your partner may be thinking, maybe they are ready to explore other avenues of sexual fulfilment too.
Basically, I was saying there is no excuse for being a liar and a cheat. That there is no excuse for cheating on a loving, trusting partner when you should either be communicating or packing your bags.
I am guessing that most of you would agree with me too. When you hear that your friend has been cheated on by their significant other, you are angry for them. What an arsehole! And the person that they cheated with? Scum!
But then I remembered that time it was me, the time that I indulged in a few flirty texts. Even though I knew it would hurt my partner if they found out, but it was 'justified' because it gave me a much-needed ego boost when they were ignoring me.
Or the time I had actual sex with another human behind my husband’s back. At the time, I felt I was completely justified. My friends thought I was completely justified. I bet his friends didn't. And I know I should have left him, but until I had an affair, I didn't have the strength. I was one of the ‘gutless’ ones that instead of leaving, I had to involve someone else before I could believe in myself. I didn't end up with that person. My ex-husband ended up with one of the women he was seeing behind my back and soon after we can be sure he was cheating on her too. The research papers point to opportunity being a significant factor in why people have affairs. Rich men who travel for business a lot have a lot of opportunities.
I decided I didn't want to live like that again and spent a lot of time refusing to be monogamous and refusing to believe it was even possible. I certainly never wanted to deal with that kind of deceit ever again. Of course, that wasn't to be, and I managed to hurt and get hurt a few more times while slowly learning to be a better communicator and better partner.
Why is it when we find out our partner is cheating on us so much of our anger goes towards the other party? A person who has never promised us anything, never told us they love us and really isn't anything to do with us? I am not saying they did anything good, I am just saying they are not who most of our anger should be directed at. I feel like it is an unwritten rule of the sisterhood not to touch another woman's man. And I can be so judgey about it, until I remember the time when it was me. You see, I didn't know. I was lied to, and then I believed those lies when I shouldn't have. And then I got hurt. Which, along with the feeling guilty for hurting another woman made for an excellent cocktail of misery.
So the good news is that women are closing the infidelity gap, men no longer have a monopoly on lying and deceiving their partners. The bad news is that despite living in a world where we understand that there is more than one sexuality, that gender is a sliding scale we are still stuck with a society that promotes monogamy as the norm, ignoring that human beings are more complicated than that and we all make mistakes.
I have packed my judgement about people who have affairs away. I don't know where they are on their journey, and I hope they don't hurt anyone or get hurt. But it is not for me to decide if they are good or bad people.
I will, however, repeat one thing from my previous attempt at this article; honest and open communication is the key to a good relationship and if you don't have that, you don't have a good relationship.
Oh and use a condom. Don't be an arsehat and give your partner a STD and break their heart at the same time.
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