7 Things Poly People are Sick of Hearing

While there is definitely a lot more information and understanding around what polyamory is these days, there are still a lot of people who don’t fully understand what it’s all about and who can’t quite get their heads around what it all means. That’s okay, we’re all learning every day, but sometimes, in our ignorance or lack of understanding, we can say things or make assumptions that can be untrue, hurtful, and sometimes downright offensive. Yes, asking questions is always a good way to learn, but here are a few things you should avoid saying to poly people

I Could Never Do That

This is a weird and completely irrelevant thing to say. Like who actually cares? It’s not your life, not your relationship, and no-one is forcing you to be involved. It’s like lining up for ice cream and telling the person who just ordered the chocolate that you don’t like chocolate. Yay. Good for you. Have the boysenberry. No-one cares. Life, love and sex are all very personal things and what works for one person may not work for another and that’s okay. Top Tip: Don’t wanna be polyamorous? Cool! Don’t be! Problem sorted. Now get on with your day.

Love Is Just For One Person

Western (or really Abrahamic religious) society is a bit weird about love. Yes, absolutely, for some people romantic love is all about one person and that’s absolutely okay, but for many others, romantic love is like other forms of love and can be shared equally among people. Look at your kids, for example. You love each one of them equally with no problems. We have multiple friends we love. The big difference in these relationships is sex, and with centuries of shaming, conditioning, and dictating how humans must do the sex and love thing anyone who doesn’t fit into that very narrow and very controlled idea is shunned and shamed out of society as some sort of freak. Love and let love, seriously. You do you, and let others do their stuff. You’ll feel so much calmer when you stop judging others.

So It’s Like A Harem Full Of Sex Slaves?

There’s always one, and it’s usually always a man, and it’s usually always leery and gross and a huge red flag that this person has absolutely no idea about relationships and how they work. No, it is not just some dude’s personal harem he can dip in and out of whenever he gets a stiffy, just like any relationship is not there just for your own personal sexual satisfaction. Polyamory is about love and connections and relationships. Sex is actually not the focus at all. 

So You Just Have Orgies All The Time?

Swingers. You’re thinking of swingers, and while there may be a little cross-over with some poly people being swingers and vice versa, they’re not really connected in any way at all. Again, like mentioned above, sex is not the focus of polyamory and like all relationships they will differ in the ways the people in it express themselves. Some poly relationships are very sex heavy, just like some traditional relationships are, and some are not, but the actual relationship focus is on love and connection and togetherness. 

What About Kids?

What about kids? This sort of hand-wringing and pearl-clutching is just as dumb and unfounded as the “think of the children” lamenting on same sex relationships. You know what damages children? Abuse, hatred, indifference, violence, and tension. Growing up in a household full of love and affection is not one of those things and the people who try and rip into loving families because they don’t look the same as their relationships do far more damage to young people growing up in non-traditional households than the houses they live in could ever do. Letting children and young people see, understand, and accept all forms of love and relationships helps them grow into accepting, loving, open-minded adults, and god knows, we need more of them.

You’re Just Cheating

Cheating is a form of deception. Deception is about keeping things hidden and secret. The very definition of polyamory (and indeed other “open” relationships) is the fact that it is open and honest, and everyone involved is aware of everything (and everyone) involved, and is therefore the very absolute complete opposite of cheating. That isn’t to say people in poly relationships are perfect and always do the right thing, that’s unfortunately the way of the world and there are arseholes and bad people in all sections of it, but that’s a completely separate issue and not about polyamory at all. It’s just about the fact that some people are dicks.

You’ll Get Jealous

Ah yes, the ol’ jealousy thing. This weird, static idea that one human belongs to us and anyone else who wants a slice has to back off. Sure, we can all get a little possessive sometimes, and we can all feel that sting of jealousy in many situations (not just romantic ones), but for some reason jealousy is one of those emotions we forget has a counter-emotion that sits on the other side. Compersion. We have written about it many times in this blog and will continue to do so until it’s a word used as often as jealousy. You see, for every little sting of jealously that some people get when their partner seems attracted or attractive to another person, many other people get joy or satisfaction from it and that is called compersion. Poly people have it. Swingers have it. Even some monogamous people have it. If you don’t, then that’s cool too, but stop expecting everyone to live, love, and relationship the same way you do. Life is full of variety, and relationships are no different. Live and love the best way you know how, and please let others do the same.