The surprising things people use to help them masturbate

Eva Sless Eva Sless on 25 May 2019    37 comments
Woman holding a shower head in the bath to use as a masturbation device

There’s that funny quote that makes the rounds every so often, usually printed over a picture of a cactus, that says “Anything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough” and, after I put out a bit of a curious call on Twitter and among my friends, it would seem that when it comes to masturbation, while you’re not using cacti, humans are indeed an inventive and innovative species who can MacGyver almost anything into something X-rated. 

Necessity is the mother of invention and while it's ideal to always use proper products suited to their proper uses, sometimes, for a bunch of different reasons, that may not be possible. Whether you're substituting a piece of string for a dog lead, or whatever it is teenagers do with Orchy Orange Juice bottles, humans will always find a way... And when it comes to sex toys they are no different. 

Now before you get all preachy and ranty at me, and even possibly throw my own words from other articles I've written in my face, I know. I am not endorsing the use of any of these items, nor am I encouraging people to engage in unsafe practises, however I am intrigued and impressed at the lengths people go to get their jollies off and am also very aware of both the cost of sex toys, the availability of them for certain people (younger than 18 for example), as well as the very real facts that many actual "official" sex toys aren't all that good for your bits anyway, no matter what the packaging says.

So without further ado, let us delve into some of the answers to my What have you used for masturbation that isn’t a proper “sex toy”? question.

Good Vibrations

Not every girl has access to a bullet vibe, but almost every clitoris responds to that shivery shaky rumble and, when the need takes hold, women and girls have some brilliant substitutes. I will also say some of these vibration methods also came from men who liked the same feelings on their bits. 

Electric Toothbrush

The motors in some of these things are stronger than many sex toys and, for the average teenage girl or woman on a budget wanting to try something different, these are a go to must have. They are easy and cheap to buy and so discreet and innocent to have in your possession. It probably sounds obvious, but just in case it isn't, the consensus is to use the flat end and not the bristles because ouch!

“I first used one when I was about 12. I still do sometimes, and I’m 32” - Sarah

Tickle Me Elmo

Ah yes. The good ol’ Muppet Vibrator! Just give it a squeeze and it starts to shake and giggle and, if you put it between your thighs… Well… Let’s just say in my survey, from both women and men, this was many people’s first understanding of “good vibrations” and became their favourite “bedtime” toy for many years.

“Tickle Me Elmo. Omg. I had to muffle it with the blankets and my thighs because his laugh was weird and creepy… But the vibrations! Worth it!”- Kylie

“I would do this sort of squeezing humping thing with it til I would come. I had to wrap him in a tea towel so mum wouldn’t find the stickiness” - Brett

Vibrating Game Controllers

That deep rumble when your character hits a wall or shoots something has become quite a popular “lap toy” all genders and really brings new meaning to “game play”.

“The first time I realised my controller vibrated when Mario hit a wall I spent the rest of the afternoon crashing just so I could feel it between my legs” - Kate

“I would set up games for 2 players and then sit on one controller and use the other to beat up the character so I’d get a continuous rumble on my balls and butt. It was good!”- Dave

Phones

Similar to the game controllers, setting your phone on vibrate and then sticking it in your pants is a way many of you pass the time and get your rocks off.

“I’d set different alarms on my phone to go off in succession and then just slot it into my knickers and read lesbian fan fiction.” - Lisa

Massage Chairs

An all over body-shaking massage sometimes has the added benefit of stimulating areas you may not have intended to stimulate at first, but that always seemed to end up being one of the main reasons to use it.

“My Grandma had one and when I would visit I would set it up to the highest setting and just sit in it, close my eyes, and let the sensations take me away. They never knew either. Just thought I was relaxing”. - Nina

Food Glorious Food

It’s pretty common knowledge that food on your bits is really not a good idea but that doesn’t seem to stop many of you from giving it a go. For the most part, if you cover it with a condom (you can even double bag them unlike you can with a penis) you should be okay. But do be aware that food inside you can really fuck up your pH balance and lead to a bunch of health issues.

Cucumbers

They’re long, have varying degrees of thickness, and come with a little bit of flexibility… Yes, cucumbers are probably the number one food item women use as a dildo in lieu of a proper one.

“My mum would wonder where all the cucumbers went. I told her I took them to school for lunches so then she would buy extras especially for me. I don’t think she ever figured out the truth” - Heidi

“I lost my virginity to a cucumber. Over and over. I really liked them cold, straight from the fridge.” - Jess

Zucchini

Much like cucumbers, but shorter and fatter, zucchini is probably the second most common vegetable people used to fill their needs according to my survey.

“I once, in complete ignorance, made a zesty ratatouille that included the zucchini one of my housemates had been using. Oh, how we laughed.” - Diane

Carrots

As above, but thinner and far less flexibility, carrots featured a bit in the answers.

“I am pretty sure I broke my hymen with a carrot” - Penny

“Anal play with carrots was probably my first sexual experience beyond wanking”- Paul

Pringles Can

This was probably my favourite answer out of all of them, purely because, as a non penis owner, I had never even thought about it before, and was surprised at how many men came to me after the initial person mentioned it and told me they’d used similar.

“An empty Pringles container stuffed with bubble-wrap. It’s basically a DIY Fleshlight” - Michael

“Yes! The Pringles can! Far more vagina-like than the hole in the pillow I’d been using previously” - Hamish

Bathroom Buddies

If you hadn’t realised it before, your bathroom is a treasure trove of things that can help you get your rocks off, and while most of these I had come across before, it always blows my mind how inventive and creative people can be in their quest for orgasms.

Deodorant

There are two types of deodorant receptacles that proved to be most popular with young women and they are the old-school “mum” brand roll ons and the good ol’ Impulse spray can that many of us remember from covering up the smells of cigarette smoke when we were in high school, but that proved to be great for a whole other use too!

“Impulse. The perfect shape and size for self fucking. I still get a little tingle when I pass them in the supermarket lol” - Catherine

“Mum roll on. The shape of that bottle was brilliant.” - Olivia

“Yes!! Mum was the best! It was rounded and contoured slightly. Every girl needed her mum!”- Sophie

Toothbrush and Hairbrush Handles

For early anal play, many men admitted to toothbrush handles as being the perfect size and length to stimulate and pleasure that area, and for women it was the roundness and thickness of a hairbrush handle that gave them their best masturbation experiences.

“I liked the toothbrush handles with the rubber grippy bits. Gave it that added texture”- Graham

“Hairbrush handles. So smooth! So round! And I could take it anywhere I went!”- Tia

Spa Jets

Pulsing, pushing jets of water on certain areas definitely proved to be the most popular of all the water stimulation techniques for both men and women. 

“My parents had a spa bath in their bathroom and as a treat we kids were allowed to use it sometimes and what a treat it was! I never wanted to get out on those days!” - Anna

“The spa jets against my cock. Amazing feeling. My dad caught me once and it was a long time before I was allowed to play in the spa after that”- Pete

Shower Head

Removable shower heads were another very popular masturbation aide for both penis and clitoris owners with the added benefit of being able to control where the flow of water hit.

“We had this shower thing you could take off the wall and it had this ‘massage’ setting that was bloody amazing when sprayed right on my clit. Shower days were the best days.” - Meg

“I would put the removable shower head between my legs so the water would spray right onto my butt and then use my hands to wank. It felt incredible!” - Christopher

Miscellaneous

The above list really is just a small handful of some of the answers I received and to write them all down would be essay sized, but just to give you another small taste, some of the others not mentioned in the above piece were: Textas, pens (especially one called a Squiggle Pen that proved most popular with young women), cushions and pillows with holes cut into them (and if you’ve ever watched Big Mouth you’ll know it’s one of the most common ways young boys discover masturbation beyond their hands), cushions and pillows piled up to be humped, socks, small figurines like action figures and Barbie dolls (“I would insert her head and use the feet to rub on my clit” - Jane), Halloween disembodied hand decorations, soft toys, Coke bottles, play swords… So. Many. Things!

I think what this really proves is that humans are creatures of pleasure and will seek it out in whatever forms they can, no matter what the risks might be, and that the need for further education on safety, as well as far more access to specific items for people who may not yet be able to walk into an adult shop and buy one, is absolutely necessary, important, and needed.

Always be safe. Always use condoms on items that are not specifically made for your bits and please, for the love of everything sacred NEVER EVER PUT YOUR PENIS IN A VACUUM CLEANER! I had a couple of men tell me their experiences with this and NONE of them were positive, with one even ending in hospitalisation and some permanent damage to the area.

With all that said, what about you? What items have you used, we’d love you to share in the comments.

Please note this is one of the articles which we republish each May to help you celebrate Masturbation Month 

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