How can a dominant guy find a good submissive?

Adult Match Maker on 8 June 2019    27 comments
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Q: I’m a dominant guy in my early 20’s finding it hard to get a submissive. I chat to loads of women, but when it comes time for them to submit to me, it just doesn’t seem to happen. Do you have any tips for finding a good submissive?

The first big tip is to keep in mind that the individual defines a ‘good submissive’. If you’re having trouble finding what you define as a ‘good’ one, I’d primarily look at what defines ‘good’ for you. What sort of submissive are you actually looking for? A babygirl? A sexual sub? Service sub? What personality traits do they need? What values are important for you to share during this partnership? 

Similarly, define your dominance. Is it sexual? Sadistic? Nurturing? For bedroom fun or full-time? Be clear with who you are, and be confident in it. If you adore anal domination, say that. If bondage is your thing, be open about that when defining your dominance. And in the spirit of openness, be honest about your experience and abilities. What a submissive wants and needs most is to have total trust in their Dominant – one whiff of bullshit will be a massive red flag in terms of taking things further. A submissive is often putting their physical, emotional and/or mental wellbeing in the hands of another; don’t expect them to make this decision lightly. Be patient.

You say you’re in your early 20’s? You have plenty of time. While waiting for your ‘good’ submissive, how about building up your knowledge and support? Try some workshops (also a great way to make friends) or even search up some online tutorials that cover your interests. Connect with other Doms to share your thoughts and experiences.

And remember, being a submissive (or having submissive traits) does not define the entire person. This is a relationship with someone who plays a submissive role. You don’t ‘get’ a submissive; you have a relationship with a person with submissive tendencies. First and foremost you must see a submissive as a person, and treat them accordingly.

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Comments (27)

  • Sub1988

    Sub1988
    36F Helensvale, QLD,
     AU

    Excellent answer.
    >4w
    Reply
  • cman01

    cman01
    Account closed

    Great answer, I have found as a dominant man that I don't seek good subs, I tend to meet women with submissive tendencies and then we go along a bit of a journey together. That is the best bit for me.
    >4w
    Reply
  • AugustusSeizer

    AugustusSeizer
    Account closed

    Yes... "getting a submissive" is a potential dead-end way of thinking. After all the logical things already mentioned (what is dominance, what is submission, the relationship issues, ...) ask a few basic personal questions: "Why should anyone submit to me?" What makes you so special that someone should place his/her trust in you? Indeed, what makes you so special that someone should love you? Or even *like* you? Why should someone obey you or follow YOU?
    You cannot control how others react or respond to you. And there is always the luck of the draw - you can be perfect for someone but that someone doesn't turn up or is already in a long term relationship. But you CAN control how you think, feel, and behave.
    How dependable are you? Do you ENJOY(not just DO) anticipating a special someone's needs and helping that person to satisfy those needs? Do you ENJOY helping a special someone be fulfilled socially, emotionally, sexually? Do you ENJOY making a special someone safe and *always* being there to protect and support them?
    Or do you do "stuff" as a means of justifying getting your own satisfaction in whatever form that is?
    If you want someone to be devoted to you, show that you are a person who can be devoted to that special person. If you want someone to obey you, be worthy of being obeyed. If you want a special someone to look to you for protection and support then NEVER fail to protect and support.
    When you are master of yourself then you can confidently be Master to another.
    >4w
    • YourRadiance

      YourRadiance
      Account closed

      Love this answer. Its a matter of huge trust...its not just 'given'...and not day one. I agree. Understand what the other person is risking and build that bond.
      >4w
    Reply
  • Freespirit252

    Freespirit252
    Account closed

    Extremely helpful :)
    >4w
    Reply
  • Freespirit252

    Freespirit252
    Account closed

    Are there people out there that are both? In different contexts I mean or with different people. Ie a sub and a dom
    >4w
    Reply
  • RougeFemme

    RougeFemme
    58F Aldinga Beach, SA,
     AU

    Awesome answer. I'd also add that he needs to define what makes him believe he's dominant. Perhaps the women don't find any dominant traits in him, which means he's also not a good fit for them.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Masterplussub

    Masterplussub
    53M 50F NSW,
     AU

    just some think to think about
    The Bully & The Dominant
    The Bully commanded with lash in hand "You will build my boat so I may cross the sea" and they toiled for him.
    The Dominant said "The boat we build will cross the sea" and they worked for him.
    The Bully commanded with lash in hand "You will kneel before me and suck my cock" and they opened their mouths in fear.
    The Dominant said "I need your mouth on my cock for my pleasure" and they knelt and opened their mouths in devotion.
    The Bully said with lash in hand "You have broken my rules, you will be punished" and they suffered the lash in guilt and shame.
    The Dominant said with lash in hand "I must help you learn and grow for me" and they wept in joy with each stroke of the lash.
    The Bully said with lash in hand "I own you and you are mine to do as I wish" and they were resigned to their toil.
    The Dominant said with lash in hand "I will own you in every way as I earn your trust" and they gave him everything.
    And the Bully said to the Dominant "Just look at my slaves" and the slaves bowed their heads and wept.
    And the Dominant answered "Yes just look at your slaves" and he bowed his head and wept.
    So ask yourself, are you the Bully or the Dominant....can you feel the difference
    >4w
    • YourRadiance

      YourRadiance
      Account closed

      Love this
      >4w
    • Nigellassecrets

      Nigellassecrets
      Account closed

      Absolutely
      Fantastically written
      >4w
    • tastetester61

      tastetester61
      63M Goulburn, NSW,
       AU

      It's a breath of fresh air to hear someone speak sense on this topic.
      >4w
    • BreastFoot4ward

      BreastFoot4ward
      63F Murrumbeena, VIC,
       AU

      This is exactly what a D/s is about and what most people purporting to be Dom's do not understand yet get offended when they contact subs. It is relatively easy to spot a bully from a Dom if one uses their intelligence.
      >4w
    • QandStacey

      QandStacey
      Account closed

      Dominance just is.. there is no other way of describing it.
      Those that believe they can bluster their way through, ( i.e. fake it until you make it ), will unfortunately, find themselves revealed as wanting..
      We move through life being constantly aware of those we consider Dominant around us, their capacity to carry themselves with qualities instantly recognisable as those we associate with Dominance..
      In no particular order..
      Integrity, Tenacity, Empathy, Self Awareness, Self Reliance, Honesty, Compassion.
      In some respects, Knights or the Round Table stuff..
      D/s is certainly not about Misogyny, or any other type of forced subjugation. D/s has at it's core, the realisation of your strengths and weaknesses, and those of your submissive. You create a space for them to grow, a space where they can experience their desires safely.
      Such safety is not simply physical, it encompasses the mental, emotional and spiritual self as well as the physical. A submissive, upon discovering these spaces are made safe by their Dominant, is then free to express themselves in any way they choose, buttressed by the knowledge of clearly defined, and consistently enforced boundaries.
      Their Dominant constantly monitors this space, ensuring it's framework remains both dynamic and organic, responding to the growth each gives and receives with the other..
      It can be the most rewarding of experiences, and like all rewards, has its price. All participants should remain firmly within the realisation that they are a work in progress, and rely on the other to be their counterpoise, their reflection.. allowing for growth to occur.
      Although many will be dissuaded by your age, it is ultimately how you reflect your core values that will determine how you are regarded. Be yourself at all times, act with Love as your intent with no thought of reward and the rest will take care of itself.
      Be Well,
      Q
      >4w
    Reply
  • lollylola

    lollylola
    41T Thornbury, VIC,
     AU

    really?i find that hard to believe for starters dom men are a rarity and plenty of subs out there my xperience is that most doms are inundated and luv a couple or more at same time unless its your age thats letting you down being quite young
    >4w
    Reply
  • LadyFun4000

    LadyFun4000
    55F QLD,
     AU

    It's also hard to look for someone that is Dominant.
    Are you compatible? Do you have the same relationship goals? Poly or mono?
    Then there are the different fetishes and kinks that you both enjoy.
    BDSM certainly adds another layer in the search for another.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Nigellassecrets

    Nigellassecrets
    Account closed

    You don't just find or get a submissive. Firstly you need to build a relationship that has a strong foundation of trust and respect. Once you have that relationship as the dominant you earn the submission of the woman. Being a dominant comes with a lot of responsibility and remember the submissive has all the control she needs to be able to stop play at any time she does not feel comfortable. She does not need to be looked after she wants to be looked after. She's not helpless or weak she wants a man who can stand up to her. She is rarely submissive until the right man comes along and makes her want to submit. You are very young. do your research and always be open to learning from an experienced sub. You will get there xx
    >4w
    Reply
  • Jeanmc

    Jeanmc
    Account closed

    Not sure if you have actually answered the question. Perhaps the question was poorly worded.
    I hypothesise that the questioner was, in fact, seeking clarity as to how he would go about transferring the monotony of messaging people via the internet into irl (real world) interaction.
    >4w
    Reply
  • FunGuyNewie

    FunGuyNewie
    Account closed

    I was with a woman that didn’t even know she’s a sub. It’s just a natural way for her. When we first met and I asked her if she knew what BDSM was she had no idea. But it was her natural tendencies that made her great. People aren’t always what they seem and will surprise. If you just look for someone to fulfill a check list of requirements you’ll always be disappointed and it won’t be very much fun.
    >4w
    Reply
  • anchor.rope

    anchor.rope
    50M Aberglasslyn, NSW,
     AU

    I'd suggest getting involved with your local kink community. AMM isn't that unfortunately. Look on Fetlife for munches and social events, get to workshops and improve your skills. Be patient, because younger inexperienced Dominants aren't as highly rated.
    >4w
    Reply
  • cordy_691

    cordy_691
    39F Stanhope Gardens, NSW,
     AU

    How about the other way around- how does a female sub find a for real Dom ?
    >4w
    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor
      Staff Account

      MisKnickers has covered this her in [Beginning your Kink Journey](https://www.adultmatchmaker.com.au/blog/357/beginning-your-kink-journey) & [So You Want To Be A Submissive?](https://www.adultmatchmaker.com.au/blog/647/so-you-want-to-be-a-submissive) blog posts
      >4w
    • tastetester61

      tastetester61
      63M Goulburn, NSW,
       AU

      Cordy, it's a shame we're not closer. Good doms are out there, just keep looking. One day you will find your knight in shining leather.
      >4w
    Reply
  • tastetester61

    tastetester61
    63M Goulburn, NSW,
     AU

    Being someone who stumbled into a dominant roll, I can tell you it isn't an easy task. While I knew I had dominant tendencies from previous kinky episodes, I never knew I was a dom until I saved a girl half my age from a life that was spiralling out of control. I took her under my wing as a father figure with no sexual intent at all. It was her that brought the intimacy on, and told me she was turned on by the house rules I made (to protect her and me from her previous habits), and the veracity with which I enforced them. It gave her structure for the first time in her life. We got into some kinky shit after that, but I was always the nurturing father type and she wasn't a little nor age player. This started a massive learning period for me, and probably her too. Being a dom means looking after all aspects of your sub's life, as mentioned by other replies, which is an extremely complex role, one you may not be mature enough for as yet. This does not preclude you from the lifestyle. Find out where local munches (group meetups) are held and attend a few. Let people know what you want from the relationship, talk to experienced doms AND subs. Be prepared to allow an experieced sub to teach you, nobody knows their end of the deal, and what they seek better. Alternatively, if your just after a sex slave, then put that in your profile, I'm sure there are girls out there that will play that game, just don't expect something that is lasting. Finally, if the impressions you have about bdsm have come from somethig like shades of grey, unfortunately you have been led up the garden path and have no idea what this is all about.
    >4w
    • Areyoukinky2

      Areyoukinky2
      Account closed

      Tastetester61,
      As a single lady with submissive tenancies, I completely agree with you and of course your comment.
      Sincerely Areyoukinky2
      >4w
    Reply
  • james6969

    james6969
    Account closed

    I would value any advice I seem to be getting there with sub women but not across the goal lots of discussion and ideas but no further also i finding that Tg women are also seeking a master Im just nor sure where im going any advice is most appreciated
    >4w
    Reply
  • FunandFuckwell

    FunandFuckwell
    46M 36F VIC,
     AU

    I think you should experiment and investigate this on your own first, I think you should find a submissive guy to dominate, as a submissive guy is gonna give you exactly what you need, which is to take control of them, talk to them like your the boss and if you wanna ram your cock deep in their ass at the same time telling them to take that, telling them they a dirty little slut who will do as you tell them, they will be so good at giving you the ultimate sub, because it's what they are. Your women will possibly be offended and begin to think the fact you want to dominate and take control of her and talk to her like your the boss and she's only there to do as you tell her, that the lines will blur from role play to that is who you are. Trust me I've seen it happen... I know a sub male that will give you the best sub experience you will ever be fortunate enough to experience, I think you would wanna fuck that insane little sub on a daily basis.
    >4w
    Reply
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