Increase Your Sexual Connection through Masterful Touch
Myola Woods
on 13 July 2018
12 comments
I wanted to call this article ‘5 Tips to Touching - so they don’t feel like you are patting them like the dog’ only it is far too long! What It does do is give us very clear picture of how you don’t want to touch or someone to feel when you are touching them.
Firstly, we are mammals and desire connection, touch and intimacy. I often make the joke that if I am coming back in reincarnation, I want to be a dolphin… they spend 75% of their day in sensual play… oooo la la that sounds delicious for me, frolicking in the ocean, riding the waves, playing, touching, - no wonder they are happy and we chase them up and down the coast for a glimpse of their fun.
Touch is incredibly important, we underestimate the value and the need for touch – good touch, quality touch. Is there a difference? Isn’t touch just touch – no No NO! it is NOT!.
- Good touch can make us relax, enjoy and be present.
- Bad or poor or rubbish touch can trigger creepy feelings, create untrusting feelings within us and the body often moves away – if you have ever moved toward someone and they have moved away even before your touch landed… they felt creeped out and their body does not trust you.
- Great touch can make for a synergy of connection, communication, pleasure, sensation and ecstasy.
Which would you prefer?
As long as you are getting what you want does it matter?
Did you make an agreement for mutual pleasure or just for one person?
Did you even make an agreement?
Would you like to know how to have good and great touch with everyone you are intimate with - sex or no sex.
Tip #1 Slow down
I remember meeting someone for the intention of having sex, as we were beginning, progressing, I said “Slow down…” they turned the tv on…. they thought, I meant that things were moving too fast… No, just their hands, I felt like he was vigorously patting the dog. I did communicate that I meant “slow hands” (this was before the Niall Horan song, otherwise I would have played it). If I am honest it only helped a little as this was a new concept and not their normal habits and behaviours. I slowed myself down even more so we could find a sync, so I could participate within my own consent and boundaries.
When we slow our touch down, it allows the body to notice what is going on, the body builds trust of the person touching which allows the body to relax, we need the body to relax for arousal to occur and for engorgement (blood flow to the genitals). When we have more engorgement we often have more sensation, arousal, pleasure and you guessed it – Orgasms!
I am not suggesting it needs to always be slow, however particularly in those first moments, that first contact - if you can slow down enough to notice what you are touching and experiencing yourself as well as in the other – YOU are off to a great start.
Slow down your breath to match your touch, to allow yourself to take in this person or people with you.
Tip #2 Be present
It is everywhere, mindfulness this - mindfulness that, and I am a huge advocate for meditation and mindfulness especially considering I have been doing it since I was about eight years old. Over the years I have added to my erotic practice by being mindful and meditative – yes, I consider body-shaking orgasms to be very fucking mindful (sometimes mind blowing) and meditative!
What is presence… for me it is:
- Being in my own body – feeling centred
- I can feel my own body – my toes, pelvis, genitals, torso etc
- Out of my own head thinking and worrying – what is going on with them?
- Noticing what is happening with the other person
- Listening to them with my ears and my body
What is it for you?
How do you know someone is present with you?
Do you remember how you felt?
Do you hold that space and presence with yourself and someone else?
Bringing presence to our touch, if this is the only way you change your touch it will go from blah to ooo la la - guaranteed!!
and yet there is more…
Tip #3 Ask questions about the touch
People say talking during sex, ruins the mood… and yes lots of high level long verbal conversations might be out the window particularly as the intensity and arousal build. For myself at different stages I have little or no actual words yet plenty of sounds, smiling, grinning, moans and groans but not coherent language. As a bit of a stir my Lover will ask me in those moments… “and what are you noticing now Myola?” funny, everyone’s a comedian, often I have no words… I save them for after and tell them then… when you asked the question – I was experiencing this and this… this keeps the moments alive when you can speak about it after, allowing more depth and integration.
You can ask questions in a curious way, sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. Experimenting with different styles and ways, allows us time to see what we like or don’t like.
Asking with curiosity could look like this:
- What would make this better?
- Is it better if I use lighter pressure / heavier pressure?
- Finger stroking or whole of the hand – You might just do the movements, is it better like this….. or this…… ?
- Is it better if my tongue goes round or down…
- The tip of my tongue or the flat.
When we receive answers and feedback it is always nice to say “thank you” sometimes for some of us it is difficult for us to speak up, when comments, suggestions are welcomed and thanked, this gives permission for more. It encourages greater feedback, questions and curiosity.
Tip #4 Use all of the hand and include all of the body
We create habits, our touch is another one of them, often the same way all the time, and usually we touch people the way we like to be touched… Do you do this? What happens if the person you are touching prefers touch other than what you like? How will you know? What do you do if you only have one or two touching moves?
You can use hands:
Our hands are one of the most sensitive parts of our bodies, there are 2500 feeling receptors in the finger tips alone.
Our hands have many parts including:
- Fingers, finger tips, pads of the fingers, insides of the fingers
- Finger nails
- Whole of the hand
- Palm of the hands, back of the hands, sides of the hands
- Knuckles
Learning and practicing touching someone with different parts of your hands, creates different sensations and the opportunity for unknown pleasure to be revealed.
You can use your body:
Our bodies are one big sensory play machine with our skin being our biggest organ, we are able to utilise all of it by including and possibly starting from the extremities of the body and moving in - you create, anticipation and sexual tension and oh-how we all love sexual tension.
Changing your repertoire and not going straight for the traditional hot zones (genitals & nipples) may surprise your Lover and add suspense and allow the play to build for a while.
We can include the whole body in different ways:
Using our weight on someone else gently or holding. Pressing them up against something… a wall, door or kitchen bench using what we would call when I studied massage a zillion years ago… - ‘positive pressure’ enough body weight for a feeling of safety, security and smoothness and NOT too much hurting or painful or too little to feel creepy, unsafe and annoying. Play with pressure, holding, pressing, pulling and pushing to the degree you have consent.
Spreading your fingers out and taking them from as far as your arms can reach and slowly dragging them over someone’s body in a pressure that they like is able to include the whole body in play and if they enjoy it is very sexy - the energetics of the body open up the meridians, the bliss lines and allow for more sensory awareness.
Touch with different parts of your body, using your legs - where could you touch someone, what about hair (long or stubble) which can create different sensations over the whole body. Let your imagine run wild.
Tip #5 Notice the reaction in the other person
What’s happening in the person, is their body moving towards you or moving away from you? Is it leaning in, is it moving you away from an area to towards another.
The sweet spot can be found, when we are slow, present, questioning (not intensely), using more of our hands and bodies and noticing… there is a sweet spot or sweet spots that are willing to be played a long time – these take us deeply into our arousal and pleasure.
Imagine the dog, the difference between mindless vigorous patting is being present with them, notice the spot, we can put them into ecstasy, we stay present and we notice the nuances and the slight adjustments that need to be made to hold that sweet spot, hold that ecstasy and they are usually happy and grateful.
Another part to great touch is us knowing ourselves, what we like and don’t like generally speaking – I know I don’t like poking on my body or pain. Every person we play with is different, they bring new skills, experience and texture to the way they touch and we interact together.
Try this on yourself (first)
Place one hand on your forearm or mid thigh, sit comfortably and begin to notice your body, intending to be present with your arm, noticing your breathing, noticing what is happening in your hand and the part that is touching… warm, cool, texture….
Begin slowly exploring and touching this part of your body like you have never experienced it before,
Slow your touch down even more – what are you noticing?
Try touching with different parts of your hand, your fingers, finger nails, insides of your fingers, backs of your hands, palms of your hands…
Slow your touch even more… what do you notice?
Can you feel the touching hand and the part being touched – are they different?
If you touched your partner this this much presence, curiosity and noticing… what do you think might happen? How might your interaction might change.
Touch in play is so important, because when it is great it creates an atmosphere of trust and wellbeing, allowing for deeper states of bliss and pleasure to be had.
I would love to hear how your touch has changed and if you noticed any differences.
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