Help, my libido is missing!

Emma Sachsse Emma Sachsse on 28 October 2018    17 comments
Woman in black underwear kneeling on a floor with her head in the dryer looking for something she has lost

Often when we hear about libido levels, it is in relation to relationships. It’s as if people’s libido only matters when they’re part of a couple. The research I found was mainly about how libidos are affected within the context of a heterosexual couple. One of the papers about the effect of oral contraceptives on libido admitted that quite frankly there just isn’t a lot of reliable research, as so many things can and do affect our libidos. 

I get that a mismatched libido as part of a couple is a problem. However, there is a lot of support and help out there. A couple can go to couple’s therapy or a sex therapist, and you can talk it through and get homework like sensual touching and romantic dates. Then you learn to communicate and to see each other as sexy again not just as the person who stresses you out or doesn’t take the garbage out. This may or may not help, depending on the couple. 

When you are single and not having sex the alarm bells don’t always go off straight away. It is just you, and it might take a bit longer to notice that your libido is not firing. Which might not bother some people but for others, this realisation can be devastating. The feeling that a piece of what you consider to be your personality is missing can be very disconcerting. 

How to tell your libido has buggered off.

  1. Getting the vibrator out and realising the batteries have not only gone flat but leaked into your favourite toy.
  2. Finding yourself in bed with someone and doing lots of moaning and groaning and using all your best tricks straight away, not because you want them to think you are amazing but to try and get it over and done with quickly as you just want to get home and get a good night’s sleep.
  3. Inviting someone over to Netflix and chill and forgetting to chill.
  4. Sharing latest escapade stories with your friends at the pub of what happened on the weekend and realising you will have to tell a story that is 8 months old.
  5. You start hanging out with people who never get any sex at all to make yourself feel good about your current sexual activity.
  6. Realising you’d rather stay home in your pyjamas and eat ice cream than go on a date.
  7. Finding yourself looking through Adult Match Maker profiles and actually reading their entire profiles and what books they like.
  8. Meeting up with your most reliable and sexy fuck buddy and realising you’d rather have a conversation with them for the first time ever than get naked.
  9. Looking wistfully up at your ceiling and wondering if your libido has buggered off into the crawl space but not bothering to get a ladder out to investigate.

It is important to understand that at times, especially if you are part of a sex-positive social media collective, it can seem like everyone has raging libidos and is having fantastic sex. Remember that people are less likely to post the absence of something, ‘Having a normal night, a bit tired, watching TV’ may not seem as interesting or urgent to post as ‘I am so horny right now. Who wants to play?’

10 Things That May Have Caused Your Libido to Bugger Off

  1. Depression.
  2. The drugs you take for depression.
  3. Stress, from work or anything really.
  4. Physical pain/illness.
  5. Hormones (men you have hormone fluctuations too).
  6. Feeling bloated and generally cranky. This can be from No 5. or from eating too much cheese.
  7. Poor body image. Feeling like you are not slim/strong enough to match photoshopped instas
  8. Over-exercising or under eating because of poor body image.
  9. The Catch-22 of not having sex and then you don’t feel like having sex which means you feel like less sex meaning you have less sex leading to feeling like less sex.
  10. It may have slipped down behind the couch cushions and got stuck.

Things that you can do to get your libido to come home.

The first thing you can do is go and see your GP to make sure that the reason your libido is MIA is not a physical ailment. Once they have checked this then get your GP to check that it isn’t a psychological ailment. For the guys some GP’s may prescribe Viagra. This will not help your libido, just your ability to get an erection. Others may suggest Testosterone replacement therapy, be aware that this is not universally recognised as an ideal treatment. Make sure you have investigated the cause and don’t just try to whack a band aid on the problem.

Another option is to look at the things that couple’s therapists suggest for couples and adapt them to yourself. Try spending some quality alone time with yourself doing things that relax you and make you feel good about yourself. Go to a barber and treat yourself to a good cut and shave. Buy a new outfit something a bit sexy or at least that feels lovely. Indulge in a really good sex toy. Set aside time for you and enjoy yourself. Start by touching yourself sensually at first. Don’t put any more pressure on yourself than you would on a partner. Be as good and kind to yourself during this process as you would with someone else. 

Understand that we all change and grow. During your life your libido will change. If it has been on an adventure without you, it may be different on its return. Take the time to become reacquainted. 

Oh and gentlemen, if all else fails, give up smoking. Some research found that there is a correlation between smoking and a decrease in sexual desire. 

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Comments (17)

  • HolyHello

    HolyHello
    46F Melbourne, VIC,
     AU

    Purely by chance, I discovered that my contraceptive pill was hugely affecting my libido.
    When I read up about it, I discovered that the pill, suppressed the woman’s natural production of testosterone.
    After about 3 weeks of being not on the pill..I felt like a teenage boy.
    It was both amazing and frustrating!
    >4w
    Reply
  • nuchickndah

    nuchickndah
    Account closed

    Excellent article
    >4w
    Reply
  • Areyoukinky2

    Areyoukinky2
    Account closed

    Thanks for writing such a great article. As a brain cancer survivor whose life was turned up side down I have found this particular written article to be very useful for me. I joined AMM to explore my sexuality with a kind and caring kinky man. I have found that even at my age of soon to be sixty-nine I'm still very horny.
    >4w
    Reply
  • barkly48

    barkly48
    67M Bendigo, VIC,
     AU

    The pic accompanying the article does wonders for MY libido....!!
    >4w
    Reply
  • johnnie17

    johnnie17
    45M 39F Springfield, QLD,
     AU

    also males and females get your testosterone checked my dr didnt even look at it. and yep low T.
    >4w
    Reply
  • AugustusSeizer

    AugustusSeizer
    Account closed

    You left out "getting bored". In *any* activity the majority of people are at or around "average". And about a third of people are, bluntly, below average. I have perilously low "tradie skills" - I am a serious Low Performer. Oh, I know what needs to be DONE. But, when it comes to me hitting in a nail there is always a cyclone blowing just at the surface of the wood and my nail bends right over. In much the same way, there are many people who know what NEEDS to be done for a crazy hot sexual experience but simply do not have the skill.
    There's also repetition boredom. Think about it. If you have lived in the same house for say, ten years, you have gone in and out of that front door probably on the way to four THOUSAND times. The firest few times when you bought/renovated/built that house were special. But on the 3,650th time... not so much. Even if you and your partner only Do It on Saturday nights and birthdays that's 54 times a year. Ten years on you've gone through the same narrow set of activities 540 time. Five hundred and forty. What activity can anyone ever do that stays fresh and exciting after FIVE HUNDRED repetitions? No amount of love or initial desire can get you to watch your most favourite movie more than what? 50 times in your life? Hey, even THE most Exciting Porn ever can get you off... how many times before you never play it again?
    Combine that repetition thing with you likely having "average" skills thing and you may simply be b.o.r.e.d. So maybe your libido has decided to hibernate until you work out how to improve the season and bring back summer?
    The nice thing about this site is that there are often discussions and opportunities to Spice Things Up. So if Emma's very good advice doesn't seem to apply then give yourself a break and consider exploring new things. If you're partnered, explore *together* to make it more fun (and more meaningful too). And if you're single, maybe it's about time that you started seeing different TYPES of people in different TYPES of circumstances?
    >4w
    Reply
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