Is it still sex if no one orgasms?
Eva Sless
on 23 May 2018
25 comments
Orgasms are awesome. I know. I’ve made a pretty good career out of them and try and have them as regularly as I can, but I really feel that sometimes the talk and experience of sex is centred solely on that end result and that can often cause problems.
Let me elaborate. The thing is sex, and all the things that go with sex, is multi-faceted. There are so many things that make sex good, satisfying, and enjoyable and, while that final climax is pretty fucking good, it is only one part of the entire experience and the lack of it isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
There are so many reasons why someone may not orgasm in sexy-time and, most of the time, it has nothing to do with the performance of the other person, or mean there is anything wrong with you.
As a person who has spent a long time in the “Sex World” from being a sex industry worker, to living in an open marriage, to indulging in, and researching, different sexual lifestyles like BDSM, Tantra and Swinging, I can confidently tell you that orgasming is quite often not the focus or goal at all.
So what is the goal in sexual lifestyles if not to have a billion orgasms a minute, I hear you ask?
It’s quite simple, actually. The goal is connection.
In Tantra the basic idea is to hold space and connectivity with another person on a level of a higher understanding towards sex, sexuality, body, mind, and soul. It is about creating a mutually held zone of deep, mindful unity. While yes, many Tantric practices look at creating a powerful, almost spiritual, climax, it is very much looked at as a sum of its parts, rather than the specific goal to achieve, because the holistic understanding of our minds, bodies, and souls is just as, if not more, important than just “getting off”.
Many members of the BDSM community say pretty much the same thing; that their satisfaction and enjoyment of their practice has very little to do with orgasming, and far more to do with creating a bond. Domination and submission both come with their own sets of needs and wants, but overall there is a mutuality in the journey and in the end result, which is one of a deeper understanding of themselves, their partner, and often their place the world around them.
Swinging is another area which, surprisingly, is often less about the orgasming and more about the connection and experience. I mean, in swinging there is definitely sex, and definitely a view to getting off and being satisfied… But for so many of them, that climax and that end result of orgasm happens after the “party”. For guys this can often be because of the very fact that orgasming and ejaculating can mean the end of the experience. Not for any other reason other than the very real physical limitations of ejaculating. While yes men can have multiple orgasms, and not all of them just want to “roll over and go to sleep” after they’ve come, the reality is that, without a lot of training (Tantra is wonderful for this) male orgasms are limited to one, maybe two, before it all becomes a bit too hard (pun unintended). It’s also similar for women in the swinging scene. While yes, women’s bodies are far more capable of multiple and frequent orgasms, quite often the experience of swinging is beyond that goal. It is about feeling sexy, feeling desired, being “naughty” or taboo, and stepping out of the comfort zone of monogamy that they have felt boxed into by society and the world. So many women I talk to about swinging and sex and pleasure are more than happy to “wait til they get home” before finishing off the night with an orgasm, but none of them feel unsatisfied or that the experience was lacking just because no orgasm was had.
When it comes to our own personal sex lives with our partners and in our relationships the pressure to orgasm can often be the one thing that stops you from being able to achieve it… and in those cases, where an orgasm is desired but elusive, it is still important to understand that it doesn’t mean the sex was bad. But it is also important to understand that sex, like mentioned in the beginning, is multi-faceted and that while it is great to have an orgasm, you can still enjoy the pie without having the extra cream and cherry on top. It’s just a slightly different kind of pie.
I suppose the main point I am trying to make is that sex and what we know of sex is changing. That the importance we place on the end result often diminishes the actual act of sex, and it shouldn’t at all.
In saying all this, however, I also don’t want to disregard the fact that many people want to achieve orgasms and can’t at all for a bunch of reasons be it physical, medical, emotional, or a combination of all, and that it can be quite distressing and depressing. This still doesn’t mean that the sex they are having is bad sex, or that they aren’t having “normal” sex, and quite often the pressure of this societal “rule” that sex must be orgasmic or it’s not worth having can impact on the already stressful nature of it all. If you definitely feel something is lacking in your sex life because you cannot achieve that final big bang, there are a number of things you can do, the first of which is to go and talk to a doctor or sexual health specialist. The next suggestion is to look at sex toys and sexual accessories to see if something like that could possibly help you achieve that elusive explosion, and I would also absolutely suggest looking into Tantra and other sacred sexuality practices to help loosen up your mind and focus on the “orgasm within” to start getting to the “orgasm without”.
I really think if we start focussing more on the other aspects of sexual encounters, like connection, fun, desire, playing, laughing, closeness, touching… So many, many things… We will be a far more satisfied and in tune with our pleasure, and that can only lead to better, happier, more satisfying lives overall.
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