The Sexual Science Behind Online Dating

Nicole Carrington-Sima Nicole Carrington-Sima on 10 February 2018    38 comments
Sexy man with arm tattooes kisses his blonde partner as they lie side by side

Recently surrounded by a bevy of young, single and successful beauties at a fashion event, I was shocked to learn they all passionately despised modern online dating. Here they were, highly eligible and sexy 20-30 somethings yearning for a return for the “simple” times of dating a partner face-to-face, pre-internet boom. Why?

If you’re heartbreakingly familiar with the new savage as fuck dating, sex and relationships rules/trends and terms like “breadcrumbing”, “ghosting” and even “stashing” (see notes below) that are prolific practice in online dating right now, then chances are you may have fallen out of love with online dating too.

Has online dating actually made dating a lot more complicated? Sure, online dating and adult dating offers us more sex and relationship options than ever before, but how do you navigate online dating without constantly losing your mind and your heart?

Help is at hand here thanks to perennially wise Melbourne men’s relationship coach, Jared Osborne. Jared, who runs Embodying Man, is passionate about educating men and women on how to harness their sexual vitality for health, potency and improved relationships.

Here are Jared’s top three tips on to make online dating profile really work for you, in order to achieve maximum hot sex, dates and relationships.

Be authentic - match your online dating profile to your personal values 

Jared’s noticed an increasing number of his male clients are finding online dating “confusing and difficult”, which he largely attributes to awkward self-presentation in their online dating profiles.

“Part of where people are really getting it wrong is not matching their online dating profile to their actual core values,” Jared says. “What excites you? What’s important to you - what values are you most looking for in a partner?

“Instead, men often write about what they think is acceptable, what people want to hear, or what they think will hook their ideal person in - they’re coming from an insecure place because they want social approval, rather than their profile actually being a proper filter for the type of partners they want to attract.”

So, get smart - does your online dating profile include a smarmy try-hard quote, or focus on your day job as an accountant, but not at all mention your burning passions for deep-sea diving, sex in the outdoors and mountain climbing? 

“You’ve got to be authentic,” says Jared. “How else are you going to get anywhere?

“Be willing to play with your profile and see what response comes back. Be real about what your dating criteria is – be really specific and say what it is that you want in a partner! That’s going to turn off a whole bunch of people, and that’s awesome - it’s a great filtering mechanism and will help you attract the right people to you.” 

Learn to date - when you’re looking for a partner not just a hook up 

Casual sex sure has its place, but if your ultimate aim is to establish true intimacy with a partner and form a long-term relationship, you’re going to have to learn how to date, good people.

“I’m seeing a lot of confusion from men about how to use apps as a dating tool. As I understand it, women are getting a lot of attention on dating apps from guys who are really just wanting sex or who aren’t being appropriate.”

Jared says people’s social media addiction is impeding their ability to effectively communicate with prospective partners. So, you’ve got people “breadcrumbing” desperately looking for their next dopamine hit - the brain chemical behind all our sexiest behaviours and secret cravings. 

“If your sense of self-worth is a little bit shaky, you’re looking for likes and attention - take the breadcrumbing example - you might have six different women on the go who are sending you sexy, flirty texts and suddenly ‘kaboom!’ - you can go back to your porn and you’ve got what you want.

“My advice to people who fall prey to these online dating games is simply this - don’t play and get played - don’t get caught up being someone’s dopamine hit popularity contest.”

Instead, developing your social skills in order to attract a suitable partner should be top of mind, Jared says. “A lot of guys do want a connection, they do want a relationship, but they’re either not sure how to bring it about or they find it too hard. It is hard being vulnerable. You’ve got to learn to embrace that vulnerability and actually date other people.”

Do your online dating research – who and where is your ideal partner? 

As with all great life pursuits, sex/dating and relationships - and online “window shopping” - take precision, planning and perseverance and lots of hard work, often on yourself. 

“There’s a certain section of the community who are really good at social media and communication and putting up a really good front - it’s basically smart online marketing,” Jared says. 

“The good news is that these are skills you can develop. Sort out your front-of-house! Try doing things differently.

“Can’t write for shit? Do a copywriting course to learn how to write a killer online dating profile. Can’t interact with men/women? Get a dating personal trainer. Don’t know how to meet people in real life? It’s all about doing your research.

“I often ask guys: ‘Where is your ideal partner? Where does she like to hang out? What does she like to do?’ And if it’s cafes, I say ‘go to cafes!’ 

“Sure, meet partners online, but I also challenge a lot of my clients to then take it out to the real world too, face-to-face, once they’re sure they’re interested in someone. 

“This is awesome at helping them to develop basic relationship tools and teaching them how to interact with potential partners. If you’re only on dating apps, you’re not picking up people’s social cues and body language.”

In using his pragmatic business approach to dating, Jared also advises e-daters to weed out potentially unsuitable “clients” via the Adult Match Maker Chat Room. “Stage a meeting so you can assess whether you actually like talking to the person. I find it mind-boggling that more people aren’t doing this before they arrange a date with someone.” 

Top 3 worst sex/relationships terms and trends of 2017

  1. Breadcrumbing: No, this is not something delicious to eat - this is a brutal and manipulative dating mind game, described as the “new ghosting”, whereby potential suitors will send out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie. breadcrumbs) in order to lure new sexual partners. But - and here’s the clincher - the “breadcrumber” is just fucking with you and she/he has no intention of forming a relationship with you and/or even hooking up - they’re just not into you, but they sure as hell like your attention (and leaving you hanging, confusedly begging for more).
  2. Ghosting: Have you ever been “ghosted”? It’s not pretty - it’s basically the coward’s way of breaking up with you, when the person you’re dating and/or getting busy with completely disappears without a word or warning. One minute you’re making dinner plans for the next night and then - poof - like a ghost of wind, they’re gone, never to be seen or heard from again. You’ve been dumped - and your partner may have checked out on you long ago - but you’re the last to know. This brutal cutting-off all contact by the person you were dating may also see you wiped from their social media, leaving you wondering if you even had a relationship at all! 
  3. Stashing: You’ve been dating him/her for ages now, even talking about taking things to the next level - a sexy holiday together, for example, when it dawns on you that your significant other has never introduced you to their best friends/family or dog. WTF? You, my poor friend, are a victim of stashing, a term for when someone you’re dating refuses to introduce you to anyone he or she is close to, sort of like stashing you in a drawer, away from the prying eyes of the world because they’re either ashamed of you, not sure about you or they’re just not that into you (possibly even all three). Abort!
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Comments (38)

  • Markymark58

    Markymark58
    Account closed

    Well that was difently worth a read.But eow so.e people can be cruel out .
    >4w
    Reply
  • cowgaluvoldrmen

    cowgaluvoldrmen
    Account closed

    Well I think it’s a lost art, no one wants to date it seems . Well I’ve found that . They just wanna root and move on. Most can’t even string two sentences together let alone a conversation
    How do you know you want someone based on the looks and what a profile says ? Where did the dating scenes go I’d love to know. Like a meet and decide well I like this person a picnic it is
    Seems like to me no one wants to get to know other ppl
    Easier to hit them up for fun and be done !
    And I get told all the time oh but it’s a sex site, or try other sites well they aren’t much different
    Lol don’t even get me started with ghosting ! Nothing more than being ignore and 12 months later they want conversation omg seriously
    >4w
    • 2ringround

      2ringround
      Account closed

      I'm always offering to date first but it seems most think that "coffee/lunch/dinner" is code for something totally different to the dictionary definitions....
      As others have said... It's their loss...
      >4w
    • cowgaluvoldrmen

      cowgaluvoldrmen
      Account closed

      Great to hear there are others like me ! What is wrong with meeting with no expectations
      >4w
    • perthman2020

      perthman2020
      51M Riverton, WA,
       AU

      I totally agree ...... I get 3 sets of responses from "girls" online .... (1) they just want my credit card details or (2) i'm ok to chat to until I show my pics THEN because i'm not an Adonis then I don't have a chance or (3) the woman was never a real person to start with.
      I'm a real guy who WANTS a lasting relationship as I have a LOT of love & affection & attention to give a woman .... BUT I don't know HOW to get a REAL woman off online dating & meet me in the REAL world ?
      where do REAL women look for a genuine guy who wants a genuine date in the REAL world ?
      >4w
    • cowgaluvoldrmen

      cowgaluvoldrmen
      Account closed

      I just want a guy that’s goin to get to know me ! If you want just a puss to jam n not know the girl lol go get a hooker !
      I find that too that guys want chat but get to wanna meet there gone ? Wtf !
      Plus so many shallow men it’s sad ! Just because I’m bigger does not mean I’m not a nice person
      >4w
    Reply
  • Mindfood2

    Mindfood2
    68F QLD,
     AU

    I enjoyed reading this article
    Thank you:)
    And hopefully ..we can all be aware that..Reality can Bite..so to speak..
    Regards
    Lolly
    >4w
    Reply
  • 085BOOTY

    085BOOTY
    Account closed

    I have been Ghosted and it’s quiet nasty one minute your making plans to catch up been talking for ages next minute gone we were getting along do well and I couldn’t work out why he was ghosting me oh well his lose as I see it I’ve meet better people on here then him now and made some really good friends if you give people the time and day they will do the same .
    >4w
    • SweetDCup

      SweetDCup
      56F VIC,
       AU

      Miss Booty, in my experience, these guys fall in the category of ‘picture collectors’.
      They enjoy the tease of sweet talking to get a fresh pic or two for them to jerk off to, with never any intention of leaving their home. I recently was chatting with a guy, I thought it went well, made plans to catch up, but when the day came round, I messaged to confirm what time, just to be ghosted. I figure, enjoy the pics dude, it’s you that is missing out, cause the flesh is SO much better...
      >4w
    • rboy01

      rboy01
      Account closed

      This has also happened to me here in Tamworth,
      We had been talking and texting for over a month and made planes to catch up and that, made a time and that.
      I text her to tell her I was there and no answer and haven't heard a thing from her since
      >4w
    • allinmymind

      allinmymind
      61F Wodonga, VIC,
       AU

      Ghosting can be way more serious. Like talking on the phone for hours, even meeting up and eating together and other things, then nothing for weeks, then someone else answers his phone, not a woman just a completely different person.
      >4w
    Reply
  • Kinkytan

    Kinkytan
    59F Albert Park, SA,
     AU

    Thank you for a very interesting article I learnt alot and I will take on board what you said .
    >4w
    Reply
  • Hedotoday

    Hedotoday
    55M Central Coast, NSW,
     AU

    Great way to cut back on some of this bad behaviour would be for everyone to verify and to pay for a membership., couple of dollars a week wouldn’t deter genuine people but would sure put off others.
    >4w
    • NayandDam

      NayandDam
      Account closed

      Totally agree at least make it so you have to be verified to have a profile but they won't all about numbers and $$$$$
      >4w
    • Hedotoday

      Hedotoday
      55M Central Coast, NSW,
       AU

      100% right, I'm with you on another of your comments about putting in more effort than a simple hi how are you for no reply. Total waste of time for rude people, the best responses I've had have started with a very simple" hi how are you"
      >4w
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      Verified is good, More and more these days I prefer talking to people who also have a validation - then you know they are genuine - not "couples" who aren't ;-)
      >4w
    Reply
  • ClaudiaW

    ClaudiaW
    60F Clayfield, QLD,
     AU

    Interesting article highlighting the pit falls of dating/hookups in our disposable climate. Whether your on a so-called sex site or dating site it all comes down to a non commitment attitude when it comes to encounters. People don't have to commit, therefore the actions and behaviours we have all experienced will probably never stop, but good manners don't cost anything use them, don't ghost, breadcrumb etc that's just rude. I have no expectations when meeting someone new for a coffee etc that way there is no disappointments for either party.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Amante.

    Amante.
    49F Adelaide, SA,
     AU

    Too many write very little and nothing meaningful in their profile, no photos, lie about their age/marital status/height.... and there seems to be a thing called AMM inches - lol .
    If you do meet for coffee they think that you owe them something....very disheartening. (I often pay or at least pay half for this reason)
    Don't get me started on the creeping, stalkers, drunks, wannabe rapists, people who use others photos or very old ones...
    A girl needs to keep herself safe, and that is not easy in 2018.
    I agree that chat is a good way to check people out, see how they interact with others. I've met some nice people that way.
    The problem is we are caught by online dating - what other options are there to meet people that you know are single, into some of the same things...
    Social clubs? Friends? Work? Sport? - I will die of old age!
    >4w
    Reply
  • NoHarmInAsking

    NoHarmInAsking
    Account closed

    What about The Statistical Science Behind Online Dating ? There are very few real women on here (or other sites) !! About 4 to 10 times more men than women. So many scam and bogus female profiles. Yes, I'm just about completely sick of it.
    >4w
    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor
      Staff Account

      We don't deny that some fake profiles slip through onto the site and that's when we rely on our members to use the Report Member feature so we can investigate. Unlike other sites we don't want fake members on here to bump up the numbers - there's no point. So far this year we've banned 127 profiles and forced another 56 to verify before we will allow them to access their account. So please if you're talking to someone and feel they are not who they claim to be or they're using someone else's photo - use the feature because if they're not real we don't want them on AMM.
      >4w
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      Just because YOU haven't encountered someone who meets all your expectations doesn't mean that there are not genuine women on this site. I know that I am and I also know other women on this site who are genuine. I have found that AMM is very good about weeding out fake profiles and scammers. Perhaps you need to look at your profile and decide what you're looking for!
      >4w
    Reply
  • mysteriousbbw

    mysteriousbbw
    Account closed

    Well I have long been interested in online dating and relationship stamina..
    As for the comments regarding bogus female profiles. usually as in most things , if it is too good to be true, it's murky.
    I have chatted with hundreds and met more than 15 lovely men (maybe had sex with about 6) on here during my time (this and a prior profile). I agree with the point that profiles have to be compelling and truthful. Like any other aspect of life, honesty is always the best policy and don't play games, and you won't attract game-players.
    I have never sent a message to a guy first. so I reckon most genuine women do not need to stalk men.
    I am in a long term relationship (with open borders as needed) with a perfect match for me.. he even honors my lack of monogamy... I was clear that I wanted someone kind, compatible and into rock music.. he's all of those (and more) .some of the others I have met have become lifelong true friends..
    The advantages of getting to know someone online is that you are not tricked by just the chemistry.
    when you meet the chemistry is a definite bonus tho. :-)
    >4w
    Reply
  • AugustusSeizer

    AugustusSeizer
    Account closed

    What measures do YOU use to decide if your online activities are "successful" or not? Current online dating systems don't provide anyone with useful measures ("metrics" in the trade) so all the inexperienced people invent their own metrics and then end up chasing the wrong goals. For example, there are sites where you can count "friends". A moment's reflection and you realise that "friends" cannot be assessed by simple body count. Indeed, deem yourself very lucky in your entire life to have one or two Actual-Friends-Who-Always-Have-Your-Back-NO-MATER-What. But customers can be driven to have "friends".
    So what is "success" in online dating? The number of people who view your profile? The number of people who send messages to you? The number of "possible matches"? The practical issue is that you really need to have the smallest number of really high quality (for your needs/desires) people connected to you. It doesn't help to drown in a flood of irrelevant "offerings" or an over-abundance of "near misses". 500 possibles is utterly useless whether you are looking for The One or just trying to get laid.
    It doesn't help that women are buried in incoming "he-mail" and are therefore unable (even if willing) to behave with basic decency of saying "thanks, but no thanks". So men are compelled to send out large numbers of simple he-mails in the hope of getting anyone's attention. How many women presenting apparently perfect (on the text/interests) female profiles never open a message from me and never look at my profile? My thoughtful, careful, individual message is lost in the flood of all that he-mail.
    What we need is a method for allocating attention on the basis of likely "yield". But what dating site can do that? If you're a dating site manager you realise that people will only pay if they have some hope of having their dreams realised. A site is doomed to financial ruin if it tells customers "no matches for you" week after week or, even more usefully, advises that "what you seek will drift past once every four or five years if you're lucky. THIS parameter of yours is in your way - compromise or perish".
    The bottom line is that customers set absurd expectations for dating sites to achieve and then punish the dating sites financially for not meeting those absurd expectations. Customers cause grief to dating sites by not being prepared to invest in their own personal/emotional/sexual futures by spending the equivalent of a couple of cups of coffee per eek to Find The One / Get Laid / whatever. Customers don't spend because the "yield" is so poor. The practical reality is that "the market" does not satisfy all requirements.
    Unrealistic expectations, lack of metrics to help customers set those expectations, and simple goddam cheapness by customers makes it impossible for dating sites to invest in research, support, and sophisticated systems. You can "match values" until you go blue in the face, you can be "authentic", and have beautifully written prose, blah blah blah. But if the appropriate people are statistically unlikely to ever see each other it's all for nothing.
    Me? I have spent a lot of money on a number of dating sites. I have learned that what I seek is very rare. THAT makes Her, whoever she is, all the more valuable. I could spend many thousands of dollars and an equal number of hours on pointless dates (for both parties!). Being at home reading a book with a nice wine is better value for all concerned. If a dating site could give me a way of seeing the right girl, if a dating site could help the right girl see this boy, then it's worth any money.
    But there are too few customers willing to pay and too little ability (financial and technical) by dating sites to deliver the goods as a result. Bring on the paid advertising to make up the difference!
    >4w
    • Amante.

      Amante.
      49F Adelaide, SA,
       AU

      Being polite costs nothing but a moment of your time. I always reply even when the mail is 'wot u doin/ how r ya'
      The above is a dead giveaway that they haven't read my profile.
      The more effort they put in, the more they get back. Even if it's to say our seeking criteria don't match but I wish you well in your search.
      Keep the faith, you will find her .
      >4w
    • NayandDam

      NayandDam
      Account closed

      Amante we always just say Hello how are you for the first message as we got sick of putting effort for no reply. But we always read the full profile
      >4w
    Reply
  • NoHarmInAsking

    NoHarmInAsking
    Account closed

    You didn't deny the "4 to 10 times more men than women". You've just got to click the "Online now" tab to work out the statistics there !! And what about all the female profiles that never return after joining, something funny going on there !!
    >4w
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      If you think this site is dodgy, why are you still here? Yes, there are definitely more men than women (same as every other internet dating/sex site) but women have to wade through a HUGE pile of losers and downright wankers to find one nugget of gold.
      >4w
    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor
      Staff Account

      Why would we deny it, of course there are more men than women on the site. And as for women not staying, two things: dick pics and the utter lack of respect from some men who message them. Believe me, we see the complaints. You only need a couple of abusive or disgusting messages to turn you off. I’ll give you a personal story from when I was single and had a profile. Like all women my profile was inundated with messages but I tried to do the right thing and reply to the well thought out approaches. One guy, in response to my “no thank you” replied “Well I don’t fuck fat chicks, messaged you by mistake”. You have to be thick skinned to shrug off too many messages like that. If guys want more women on this site, be respectful to the women who join and don’t chase them away.
      >4w
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      How true that is, both about the unwanted dick-pics and the guys who can't handle rejection, however politely put. This is why I restrict my message parameters and have such a specific profile.
      >4w
    Reply
  • Zamboon

    Zamboon
    66M Bridgeman Downs, QLD,
     AU

    Thank god for AMM inches lol - its certainly a mixed bag - I think the voyeurism ( spelling?)
    is what turns a lot of people on and then when the reality of a meet happens we shy away - Ive been stood up by 4 ladies who then blocked me or closed their accounts and I was once targeted by a university I think as a lady asked who I was sitting at the coffee shop and she wasn't the person in the pic - luckily I have my own method - I usually get to the meet first and I wear a different colour shirt to the one I told them Id wear - it saved me that time ! I can then spot the lady while she scans the shop - I always see her first and wave...
    Apart from AMM inches there are also AMM kilograms - twice I realised that the lady in the circus tent was the date and must have been a size 20 rather than the 12 she claimed ... I left discretely - no way I could even smile at that gross face - sorry but some facts are facts...
    Anyway I think the avoidance and the non shows are mutual .
    My rules - don't give yr number out too easily, abd better still have an AMM phone if you have kids or another life - that way you can switch it on when you want to - one lady gave her number to a guy she had been chatting to for moths - he phoned 30 times over a weekend !
    Have fun - meet at a coffee shop outside of your area, take it easy and enjoy - you might be surprised ..
    >4w
    Reply
  • Wouldbanng

    Wouldbanng
    59M Tolga, QLD,
     AU

    Yeah I agree 99% dicks male and femmes and by the time you reach the one percent you want she's so jaded and you are too so your mojo don't work she thinks your a dick and back.to the ferris wheel ..I miss being twenty five walking into concert and striking up natural convoys and surprise meetings m not good at net sellf sell andmuch more me when I'm blazing happy trails through towns lakes festivals mountains and carnivals
    >4w
    Reply
  • RightGirl900

    RightGirl900
    Account closed

    Very interesting to read this article and all the comments. My personal experience on AMM has been quite good as I’m straight up, honest and polite to all the gents. Have had to block a couple but that’s the way it goes unfortunately. The guys really do appreciate a “no thanks” reply just for courtesy. My only grief are the guys who bitch about their SO’s not giving them enough sex at home... lol... don’t want to know!!! Otherwise there are some very genuine and sincere guys on here, no doubt about that.
    >4w
    Reply
  • voodoo660

    voodoo660
    Account closed

    Great article!
    I finally have actual terms/names for the gameplayers/mindfuckers/disappearing acts/photo-collectors/lying arseholes I've met on here. Don't get me wrong - I've met a few nice guys and even a long-term fuckbuddy (since 2006!) who still gives me amazing orgasms whenever I'm back in Sydney! AMM is a mixed bag actually, there are some gems sprinkled throughout the hundreds of emails I've received in the past 12 years. I'm still hopeful at 50, but a littled jaded unfortunately. I don't suffer fools who don't bother reading my VERY detailed profile!
    >4w
    • YourMrsRobinson

      YourMrsRobinson
      Account closed

      I wish someone could teach the guys how to write a profile. I'm so sick of seeing "hung", "can stay hard", "love eating pussy" etc, etc, etc and then list incredibly sexually vulgar "interests". I'm sure some of them masterbate after writing their profile.
      Is it just me or does it turn anyone else off? As do the moronic profile names which usually contain the aforementioned "hung" or pussy muncher or everything similar! Do these guys really get lucky! And to top it off... They can't put two words together correctly let alone an entire sentence.
      Classy gentlemen are a rarity on this and other sites like it. I have met a few lovely gentlemen but the rest.... If that's the majority of what's out there, god help all women.
      >4w
    Reply
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