What if My Partner Breaks the Rules!
Chantelle Austin
on 26 April 2017
10 comments
This is not uncommon. Sometimes the rule broken is something small and sometimes it’s one of the boundary conditions that allows a couple to engage in the lifestyle, therefore putting a stop to everything… and occasionally that includes the relationship itself which I’d really love to help you avoid.
Now ideally you would play by the rules during all encounters, and if you discover you are ok to try something more, then a discussion is had after which the new rules are discussed and agreed upon for next time. I did say “ideally”, I realize that doesn’t always happen but I urge you to play this way so that you can continue to enjoy the lifestyle and have the freedom to play. Breaking the rules means you run the risk of losing that freedom.
So before you decide to go down the break-up path there are a few things to consider, ways to get back on track so that it doesn’t happen again, and ways to help the relationship recover and head back into the playground.
Firstly – we’re all human which means occasionally we make mistakes. The absolute first step to recovering or minimizing damage is to admit it, admit that you did it and give details of exactly what happened. As the partner who is on the receiving end of the information, it’s important that you don’t overreact. I know, easier said than done, right?
There are a few things to keep in mind here…
Often rules are broken in the heat of the moment; it’s not uncommon to get carried away with what’s happening when you are in the throws of some passionate play. Also, sometimes the playmate initiates it and it can seem harder to say no. Some people don’t like to disappoint or they want to impress so they go along with it even though they know they shouldn’t… I mentioned “human”, right?
Sometimes the rules and boundaries are discussed when you aren’t sure how you are going to go, but once you get there you find that you’re coping just fine and one of you takes it a step further than was agreed. This can be just a person realizing that they are in fact ok with going further or being ok about their partner going further. They just didn’t have the discussion part first is all…
Now I’m not condoning that behaviour; I think all boundaries and rules should be respected and adhered to. I also know that I’ve been guilty of getting lost in the moment and have had to admit what I’ve gotten up to. The key here is being completely honest when you know you may have broken a rule or stepped over a boundary. Honesty is what will help build the trust back up, or more so, not disintegrate it completely.
You might get away with it once, having a wonderfully understanding partner who accepts that it was a mistake you made but won’t make again. Repeat it and you lose credibility and their ability to trust you diminishes.
This is more likely to happen in the early stages when the boundaries are changing and you are getting used to your new relationship dynamic. This is the most vulnerable time in the process. Sometimes people don’t say something because they’re afraid of how their partner will react. I often see this fear play out in making the mistake first rather than saying “hey, I really want to try…” Again, we’re human.
For some people who’ve been enjoying the lifestyle for a while, sometimes it’s a case of “I thought you’d be ok with it” and to this I say “if it wasn’t something that was specifically discussed and agreed upon, don’t assume anything”.
Ultimately, like I said earlier, discussions are had before the rules and boundaries are changed. If for some reason one of you breaks a rule, the best way to work through it and move past it is to do the following:
- Discuss what was done and be completely honest about the why; the reason the rule was broken.
- Be willing to forgive them for making the mistake.
- Discuss what you both truly want from here on in and how you’d like to operate. Work within the comfort zones of the least comfortable partner knowing that as time goes on, that is likely to change.
- Commit to following the rules; playing within the boundaries to build trust back up, knowing full well that the rules and boundaries may be more restrictive temporarily while that happens. It’s what you have to do to be able to go back to the playground.
- Always, always be completely honest about what you want and how you feel and always, always be open and receptive to your partner expressing what they want and feel. Getting angry, upset or defensive just shuts people down, making communication more difficult.
- Remember that your relationship comes first and that everything else is a bonus!
Depending on how big a rule was broken, most can be worked through and you can both move on, however, if one partner fully cheats on the other then there may not be any going back to the playground. I would still certainly go through the list above to determine if this is something you can both bounce back from… or not.
Otherwise most minor mistakes are recoverable as long as both partners are willing to recover and not make the same mistake again… deal?
10 comments
InquisitiveEye2
More than a month agoFrom recent experience - after finding out the real truth about my ex cheating on me for 3 months prior to our break up through this site (AND still on here); I always say now is "once a cheater - always will be one, if you can't respect your partner & be truthful to them from the beginning there's no point being together"
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoI totally agree!!! Nothing worse than being cheated on by a partner, if their not happy with the person - just leave instead of cheating, thats just a dog act & disgraceful
Melody2973
More than a month agoExactly why I wouldn't do it with someone I loved, it's always going to end badly :(
I could do it with someone like a friends with benefits because I wouldn't be emotionally attached :)
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ReplytriXXXi66
More than a month agodoing it with someone you love and whom loves you and you both understand each other and have honest communication can be the icing on the cake of the relationship Melody...its the same old story...different strokes for different folks tho so i respect your opinion also.
Leolady727
More than a month agoWhen my ex and I were swinging we had rules - what I didn't realise was that they only applied to ME!
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ReplytriXXXi66
More than a month agoHence the 'EX' leolady...well to be rid of him then if he was tying you down in the literal way....
Account Closed
More than a month agoOh, we didn't split for that reason. I confronted him and the rules got changed ;-) Funnily enough, I think being in the swinging lifestyle actually made our marriage stronger (certainly more interesting). Even when we were arguing about other things, the sexual spark was still there, after 20+ years!
friskypuz
More than a month agohave met a few couples along the way, who tell me hard rule is they always play together,, only to have the male contact me after asking to see me without telling the female partner,
Replyeven though I like attached men, if I have met a couple as a couple I don't then go with him separately,
vouyercouple2
More than a month agoHi all
Replyhonesty is answer men tend to be upfront and expect ladies to be the same but hey can sometimes not be as transparent
Try to keep lines of comunication open
If the lady is enjoying herself good chance her partner will be also
Totaly disagree with 1 DoorMan women are not always right and the partner also has a right to set boundaries Mutual trust and respect and open comunication is the answer to a wonderful worls of swinging
Have fun take care
1DoorMan
More than a month agoTo all the males u 2 as Cpl set the boundaries with your partner. Don't brake them you will be the arse hole that fucked up . If she does something it was a mistake they are never wrong. Been Swinging 12 years now been a Host , Doorman ran a party or 2. The Women are always right if you get that Guys. Thats if you to want to stick your pencil in any where .
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