There's More to Sex than Penetration

Eva Sless Eva Sless on 6 July 2017    48 comments
Woman passionately kissing her partner's neck in an intimate moment

Sex. What fun it is! If we listen to basically everything and everyone over the past thousand years you’ll know two things. One, sex is icky and bad (especially for women to do) and will lead you down the path straight to hell… and two, sex is the act of putting a penis in a vagina, moving it in and out, and ending in a sticky explosion and a cigarette.

If you’ve ever actually HAD sex you’ll probably know those two things are bullshit.

Just to brush over the first point, sex is not icky at all. It’s fun, funny, good for your health, and no matter what gender you are, you can have as much of it as you want and still be a decent, normal, not-going-to-hell person.

As for the second point, that can take a bit more time to break down and explore, so let’s do that right now.

PIV Is Not The Only Way To Play

One point is key in all of this: Sex is NOT just the act of penis in vagina (PIV). Firstly that counts out every single lesbian and gay man as ever having had sex, and I can guarantee you they’ll have something to say about that, and secondly, if that’s what you truly believe sex to be about, then I’m really sorry both for you, and whoever it is you’ve been having sex with.

I also need to add that sexuality is only one reason why PIV might not be possible between people. There are heaps of other reasons why someone may not be able to, or want to, have penetrative sex, but who still enjoys, or wants to enjoy, a healthy and satisfying sex life. 

Endometriosis, for example, is a debilitating, painful disease of the reproductive organs in women. It can lead to all sorts of menstrual and reproductive issues, and is most commonly known for its pain. Like excruciating pain that can become doubled or tripled when having sex, and for some women with the disease the act of orgasming is one of extreme pain, and not pleasure at all. 

Erectile dysfunction for whatever reason can interrupt penetrative sex, as can so many other issues, either medical or psychological. None of this, however, means that you can never have or enjoy sex again. It just means changing your mindset a bit and thinking outside the box (pun not intended).

The Whole Of It

Sex is, without trying to sound wanky, holistic. It is mind body and soul. It is hands, mouths, and words. It is the coming together of two (or more) people intimately and sexually and with the view to connect on a personal and intimate level… And a penis never even has to enter a vagina to experience it.

Touch & Scent

Touch is so important to humans. It connects us and comforts us. It lets us know we are not alone in the word. Just the simple act of hugging someone can release a bucket of chemicals and endorphins into our brains and bodies that give us an overall feeling of well-being and safety. The act of massage and intimate touching is a really nice way to connect to a partner, to relax them and make them feel loved, safe and sexy. In sexual play, massage can be a beautifully intimate way of connecting. Oils and scents combined can create gorgeous feelings of sexiness and love and, when delicately applied and rubbed all over, can be very satisfying for both partners. Try massage oils that warm up, or have scents you both enjoy. Massage candles (a warm, drizzly oil over the skin which is not too hot at all) are so much fun too, and add another, romantic element into a sensual massage.

Taste

Oral sex is awesome. Like super awesome. It's sexy and fun and, for some people, can be even more enjoyable than penetrative sex. Flavoured lubes and condoms can turn it into a slurpy delicious affair, and adding things like cock-rings, penis sleeves, vibrators and other implements into the mix can make it even better! Teasing someone with the soft, warm, wetness of your mouth is the ultimate in intimacy and can illicit sensations and stimulation like no other act can.

Sight

Seriously though, how good is porn? Like sure, some porn is better than other porn, and some does absolutely nothing to turn me on, whereas other porn can have an instant effect on the inside of my pants. Like okay, anal gaping ain’t really my thing… But it’s someone’s, and I can guarantee you, no matter what you’re into there’s porn about it, and you can find it without too much trouble. It’s not just porn in the whole “visual” thing either. Dressing up for your partner. Taking sexy photos together. Discovering new materials and elements to lingerie. For example a pair of fishnet stockings versus a pair of latex ones. The sensations and look and feel and everything is different… But both can be incredibly sexy. Sexy costumes is another fun visual way to play sexy without having actual sex. And the memories of the images can be excellent for your later spank bank.

What about other visual fun too? Watching your partner touch and play with themselves is ultra sexy, as is the sending of sexy videos to each other.

Sound & Thoughts

There’s nothing quite so sexy as someone whispering you their wants and desires. Telling someone exactly how you feel, or how you want to be touched can be a really sexy way of communicating. Write little erotic notes and stories to each other. Find erotica online that suits your preferences and read them out to each other. Slow, sultry sexy music is always a great accompaniment to massage and sexual touch, as is just listening to the sounds and breathing of your partner when they are aroused. Texts, sexts, shared eye-contact moments across a crowded room. These are all beautiful, non sex ways to show affection in an erotic way. And none of them require your genitals at all!

We DO Need  Re-Education

The thing is, until we start to reposition our thoughts and concepts about what sex actually is, the majority of education, information and knowledge gathering about it will be flawed and misinterpreted and misunderstood. The idea that one can only have sex with one’s genitals is slowly becoming outdated and questioned by experts and amateurs alike and I for one applaud it. For whatever reason you may not be having PIV sex, whether it’s personal, medical, physical, or ethical, it doesn’t mean you can’t express yourself sexually, be sexually confident and positive, or have sex in any of the ways spoken about here, or anywhere else.

Sex is a very personal thing, and it’s not up to me or anyone else to tell you you’re doing it “wrong” because you do it differently to me. Use the words and language that feels comfortable to you, and if using the word sex feels right for whatever actions you and your partner(s) do, then it absolutely is sex, and fuck (obviously not literally) anyone who says differently.

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Comments (48)

  • justforfun558

    justforfun558
    Account closed

    People put way too much emphasis with sex being just piv. There is so much more to it all. I have met men who can't have sex due to physical problems, yet some of them give me the best orgasms a woman could ask for, and all with their tongue and fingers. Relax guys. As long as you both enjoy yourself at the end of the day, don't worry too much about piv. Now don't get me wrong. I love sex too, but it's not all about that. Younger men usually go straight for it in a very short time, where I have found older men play a lot longer with kissing, licking and fingering, etc. I prefer older men. I could say a lot about this with all my experiences, but will leave it at that. Oh yeah, one more thing. It totally turns me off if a man asks me "did you cum"? If you can't tell, forget it. At my age I want a man who knows what he's doing and not have to ask me.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Fantasywife

    Fantasywife
    57F 60M Coimadai, VIC,
     AU

    You can probably believe the amount of non takers we get because Mrs F does not want penetration from our playmates .... There is a whole world of teasing , exploring, touching, edging and of course oral sensations ... It aint all about PIV ...
    >4w
    Reply
  • Stout666

    Stout666
    Account closed

    The mind is also important to seduce..
    >4w
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      So true - the brain is the most important sexual organ. Also, age makes absolutely NO difference (although I don't go for the young guys). Older men can be the most amazing lovers, partly because they're not totally obsessed with the dick.
      >4w
    Reply
  • The comment has been hidden or removed!
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      You really believe that - REALLY? I'm sorry, you don't sound like a very nice person!
      >4w
    • KinkyGirl101

      KinkyGirl101
      50F NSW,
       AU

      I'm guessing this was written by the M of the CPL. Sex begins in the brain, not between the legs. It's why I love the kink scene, making someone come with your words and actions without touching their genitals. You're missing out on amazing sex if you think it's all about PIV.
      >4w
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      Kinky Girl - yes, certainly reads like that.
      >4w
    • KaifraDuet

      KaifraDuet
      Account closed

      Oh dear. I have seen the error of my ways at last. All these years I've been deluding myself that my lovers have actually enjoyed what I can do for them. To think that it was all an illusion is almost soul destroying. Oh well, we live and learn... or some of us do.
      >4w
  • natiivx

    natiivx
    51M East Perth, WA,
     AU

    sex is an emotion nd penetration is an action wen xombined thers bodees physicallee nd emotionalee talkinn whilst our minds drivinn us sumwhere whilst in the motion tru...and then things cann be said that open upp nd blossom from communication
    >4w
    Reply
  • bleuspice4u

    bleuspice4u
    63M 66F Burwood, NSW,
     AU

    While we have not read this article, we will completely agree, and always state that there is so much more than penetrative sex, especially in this day and age when STDs are so common, and the majority of people have no inkling of foreplay or arousal, especially primeval males who frequent this site.. The more we can encourage voyeurism, and other pleasurable pastimes the better our sex life is with our long term partner. :)
    >4w
    Reply
  • DUBVEGAS

    DUBVEGAS
    Account closed

    Bet women with PIV partners would like to print this out and leave lying around in there shed
    Luckily for me mine makes me satisfied before himself
    >4w
    Reply
  • donna3

    donna3
    52F Airport West, VIC,
     AU

    Finally someone who knows what sex is about and has written it down so that men can comprehend it... Great article...
    >4w
    Reply
  • happylady398

    happylady398
    60F Brisbane, QLD,
     AU

    I think that woman are better than men and at least they can wear any thing sexy for me
    >4w
    • FiftyOneShades

      FiftyOneShades
      Account closed

      And there it is, sexism against men is completely acceptable. Nobody bats an eyelid against this kind of sexism because it's anti-male, and anti-male sexism is considered OK.
      What if I'd said "I think that men are better than women"...
      ...would that have seemed just a little bit sexist?
      Sexism against men is still sexism, and it's not acceptable.
      >4w
    Reply
  • Leolady727

    Leolady727
    Account closed

    Yes, Yes, YES!!!! Some men, unfortunately, are hung-up on the cock - getting it hard, getting it in. Many older men have problems getting an erection, particularly if they take blood-pressure medication, but IT DOESN'T MATTER - if both parties enjoy themselves, everybody cums (multiple times, hopefully) then what does it matter if there's no actual PIV. Being of fairly small build, I actually find PIV a bit painful at times - much prefer oral, mutual masturbation and lots of fun and laughter.
    >4w
    • Zack09

      Zack09
      65M Ballina, NSW,
       AU

      So true Leolady, I think that 4play is so much better than actual penetration, so much fun, trained in massage I like a lot of hands on, sexual caressing and playful towards each other, such a fan of oral and watching another masturbate, soooo sexual.
      >4w
    • chesswiseagain

      chesswiseagain
      Account closed

      Being my age, I agree with you absolutely... Playing with each other is such a turn on Just find the right spot eh?...
      >4w
    • Next2017

      Next2017
      Account closed

      There are lot's of younger boys & girls that also have issues that lead to erection issues & dryness. A planned foreplay/massage session & exploring each other with touch, taste & smell is great to 'fix' these and a whole bunch more. Penetration at the end if a session like this can be so amazing & fulfilling for both. Great article & your feedback is spot on.
      >4w
    • TandV2003

      TandV2003
      65F 68M Greensborough, VIC,
       AU

      Totally agree with you LeoLady, its not coincident that the older we get the better sensual lovers we become. we have learn't that penetrative sex is not the be end and all. In fact, most times when we play (especially with others) we use all of our senses. The sense of touch, taste, sight, smell all enhance the sexual trip... Part of exploring and learning.. xx
      >4w
    Reply
  • Ronny6996

    Ronny6996
    64M Palm Beach, QLD,
     AU

    Yea I agree with you Sassy
    >4w
    Reply
  • Sassy.Bitch

    Sassy.Bitch
    Account closed

    What an awesome article!
    The best sex comes from arousing ALL the senses .......
    >4w
    Reply
  • Mindfood2

    Mindfood2
    68F QLD,
     AU

    I enjoy reading your article..well said..everyone is different..and its amazing to have that passion....if two people have that certain sparks and connection...everything is possible,,the kiss,touch,smell,the physical attraction...it just become instantaneous...Fun..
    >4w
    Reply
  • Tigerlily2034

    Tigerlily2034
    Account closed

    For me it starts between the ears...long before anything between the legs:
    >4w
    Reply
  • cowgaluvoldrmen

    cowgaluvoldrmen
    Account closed

    Love love this
    Only ever having sex mostly penetrating I'm becoming so greedy and want oral a lot more lol in more places
    Also just want a guy exploring my body
    Not just thinking of himself
    My satisfaction first !
    >4w
    Reply
  • Darkstud

    Darkstud
    53M Brisbane, QLD,
     AU

    A man is made to use all his senses to survive and live. It makes sense to use all these senses during sex too. Sex becomes more pleasurable and enjoyable when all our sensory organs are utilised to its optimum level. I tend to do this a lot and have had the most sexciting experiences so far. Great article!
    >4w
    Reply
  • secretdiscreet1

    secretdiscreet1
    Account closed

    This article is well written.
    The build up mood touch smell noise breathing and many more are what really add up to make the moment explosive and memorable.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Zamboon

    Zamboon
    66M Bridgeman Downs, QLD,
     AU

    Loved the article and Im relieved to read the responses - Im a bit older and recently had an afternoon session with a wonderful lady - problem is that I don't want to penetrate her too early as it may then be over before it begins - so after fingering and nipple play and licking and kissing for an hour or 2 my erection subsides and it doesn't work when its needed - anyway Ive got to the mature stage that Im happy to please her without too much penetration - and right at the end I manage to masturbate and have a great release with her assistance ;)
    >4w
    Reply
  • MiguelCDLOGAN

    MiguelCDLOGAN
    65NB Loganlea, QLD,
     AU

    A silky summer dress that clings with the sea breeze at the beach accentuating the curves. A silky camisole under the business jacket a lady wear to work, the quality stockings and the just high enough heels...The kind of make up she wears, just enough to shoe she cares but not too much so that she becomes a neon sign.Those and others are signs that the lady knows what she wants, the she appreciates the feel of fine fabrics against her skin. The sight of that is where sex, for the esoteric male begins. For her, of course, it began the moment she picked her knickers and bra out of her drawer. She imagined the feel of the fabrics even before she put them on.Her hair in place, the make up just right and a last look in the mirror as she inspects her final creation whilst running her hands or her clothes to ensure all drapes as it should and she is ready for the world, ready to be admired. It isn't an overtly sexual moment for her for it contains a sense of womanhood and imbues her with confidence in her allure. She might be thinking of the work awaiting her at her office or wherever she works but subconsciously, she knows men will look at her. For man that can appreciate the effort, meeting such a woman in a more intimate setting should be bliss itself. To help her out of her jacket, to gently touch her arms, neck, face.... Feather-like touches that will tingle her nerves ever so slightly. That is where mutual sex begins for them both. Admiring her body with firm, yet gently caresses whilst tasting her lips, her neck and ears... this is a build up to ever higher mountains you will climb with her in the coming hours.
    The peak will be arrived at at the right time if things begin this way, the fun is in the journey, the exhilaration at the end, a sensation that will hopefully have been experienced by her at various points during her journey. The exhausting, breathless conclusion is not the end of the trip.... the journey down still awaits. The kisses, the caressing the cuddling, the awe a man displays at her capacity for pleasure at that point, these are all a gentle carpet ride down to a blissful conclusion to a union that might have been a one night stand or a reinforcement of the love two people have for each other. If two people can get that scene right, it opens up a myriad of sexual options. trust in each other will have been built. neither is using the other selfishly. They are on a quest to please the other as needed. It might lead to unbridled animal and noisy sex in the bushes off the road on the way to a family gathering... just because all the gauges were hitting red and it had to be done. It might lead to other scenarios, (whatever your shared fantasies might be), but it will more often than not, lead to two people falling asleep in each other's arms and melting into each other. That is my ideal, that is what I have experienced at times throughout my life. It has been my lifelong quest.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Melody2973

    Melody2973
    Account closed

    Especially as the actual ' penetration ' doesn't last long enough to even recall.
    >4w
    Reply
  • mee1968

    mee1968
    55M Morphett Vale, SA,
     AU

    the one thing in sex i could never live with out is giving oral, im a huge taste and smell guy, love the magnificent flavours and scents of all spots of the magnificent female form , i rub my whole face into the two most obvious parts, just simple amazing ;o)
    >4w
    Reply
  • SirMature

    SirMature
    63M Pyrmont, NSW,
     AU

    Great article and agree and it is not all about penetration but a more gradual approach with more sensual and erotic touch beforehand.
    I believe a sexual experience with 2 adults should not start with penetration and only ever finish when burning desire and lust is ripe for penetration.....
    Pete
    >4w
    Reply
  • Nickoalp

    Nickoalp
    Account closed

    That is so true!
    Agreed above all...
    John
    >4w
    Reply
  • Candygirl20

    Candygirl20
    73F 68M Flaxton, QLD,
     AU

    Totally agree with you. Penetrative sex is not the be all, end all. We make love to our partner in many sensual ways using all of our senses. Touch, taste, sight, sound, smell all enhance the loving experience. Using your mind to experience sex on another level is orgasmic.
    >4w
    • shaunj89

      shaunj89
      35M Adelaide, SA,
       AU

      Your mind and energy. When you basically run your index.finger down the left and right hand side pelvis. But only slightly touching, its more of a mind and.energy and connection. Only penetration is not sex that i want to be.having. i like hands and tongue to be out exploring
      >4w
    Reply
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