How to Survive a Sex Drought
Nicole Carrington-Sima
on 28 April 2017
28 comments
Pop quiz: How long has it been since you and your long-term partner had sex?
Answer:
a) A billion years; practically prehistoric – the era of the dinosaurs.
b) I try not to think about it – I prefer washing my hair/yoga/flossing to sex.
c) Does sex by myself count?
Let’s get real, sex droughts are common in long-term relationships - indeed they’re normal. And anyone who tells you differently is lying and/or selling something.
Growing up, we’re taught the romantic fantasy of how our sex lives are meant to look - say, non-stop hot sex ala steamy erotic drama, 9 ½ weeks. In reality, once the honeymoon phase is over, you might find sexual incompatibilities flare up, such as differing libidos, wants and desires, and life can just plain get in the way of hot sex.
You might be married with small children, who can easily be classified as the best passion killer known to man; or you might have suffered an illness; be afflicted with work stress; or you and your spouse have just lost that all-important spark and you’re not sure how to get it back.
The good news is you can stoke those fires of passion once more if you’re prepared to work at it. Like other areas of our lives, fantastic sex requires grit, determination and plenty of practice (yay). And studies inevitably show that couples who believe in the power of consciously working on their sex lives enjoy a stronger and more resilient lifelong bond.
Melbourne men’s relationship coach, psychotherapist and qigong teacher Jared Osborne is all for this approach. Jared, who runs Embodying Man, is passionate about educating men on how to harness their sexual vitality for health, potency and improved relationships.
“People can get really caught up in the stress and anxiety of a sexual drought, rather than just taking a step back and realising it happens to everybody,” he says. “That in itself can be a massive help and relief to people. A lot of couples I work with go: “Oh, it’s not just me - it’s not that we’re incompatible, or we’re doing something wrong’.”
So - exhale, pour a wine and pull up a chair - here’s Jared’s wise advice on how to tackle a sex drought.
Don’t take it so seriously
Learn to laugh about it and apply a sense of lightness to the issue. “If you see a sex drought as a problem, it will manifest into just that,” he says. “A far better approach is to see it as a challenge to be met - get excited about what’s on the other side. It’s an adventure - in the normal ebb and flow of relationships, you’ll go through periods of crisis or disconnection and on the other side of that is increased depth. Learn to put it into context. You might feel like you’re never going to have sex again - and I’ve been there - but a sex drought is not the end of the world and you will find your way out it.” Also, try sex toys, role playing and different routines to break up the everyday in order to rediscover your spark, Jared says. Good sex should be fun and funny as fuck (literally), after all.
Create a vision for your relationship
The vicissitudes of fortune see us tackle death, birth and illness - our sex lives are not immune to these extreme life events. “In life, we go through periods of being disconnected with ourselves, for God’s sake,” Jared says. “We can get bored with ourselves, our jobs and our purpose. Out sex lives are no different - what matters is whether we actually take action and do something about it. What is your vision for the relationship? I say to guys ‘if you just want sex, why are you in a relationship?’ Relationships are about much more than sex and they endure many ups and downs, especially if you throw pregnancy, breastfeeding and children into the mix. Sex might be off the table for six-to-nine-months. If you stay true to that really clear vision of a deeper connection and intimacy on the other side, your relationship will get even stronger.”
Be willing to do the hard work
Successful, long-term relationships are built on a willingness to see through the hard times together, such as a dreaded sex drought, Jared says. “Studies on what makes a successful relationship have shown that if you’re prepared to get creative in your partnership and work through those periods of disconnect and crisis - that’s what really makes a relationship great.” NB: Jared warns against jumping ship when faced with a sex drought, for fear of only facing the “same challenges, but of a different flavour,” with a new partner, later down the track. He also stresses the importance of men (and women) not blaming their partners and instead taking responsibility for how they’re contributing to a sexual hiatus. “If you keep coming on really strong to your partner, it can feel really overwhelming, like you’re only interested in sex - like you just want her body, rather than being interested in her as a person and what she’s going through.”
Channel the sexual frustration/energy
Sex droughts are a powerful opportunity for self-development, Jared enthuses. “Do some work on developing your own interests and attractiveness - learn to channel that sexual frustration and energy into other areas of your life, like sport, hobbies, exercise or even your work, if you enjoy it,” he says. In addition, Jared says it’s crucial we don’t see our desires as a problem. “A lot of guys see desire as something that has to be solved and sated really quickly. If you can actually get in touch with desire and own it - desiring someone is one of the most incredibly powerfully alive feelings - you can rewire yourself and learn to channel that energy and desire into something different, which will only benefit both yourself and your relationship.” What’s more, exercise and working up a sweat is just one great way to get a good dopamine hit when you’re sex-starved, Jared says. Sure, it’s not the same, but it may help to scratch that itch.
Good connection is everything
Guys, look at this recent horrific example of how not to communicate in a relationship when experiencing intimacy issues - the episode of TV ratings hit Married At First Sight, when evil Anthony labelled his new “wife” as being “frigid” on national TV. “Calling someone frigid is definitely not the right approach,” Jared says, laughing. “Good sex comes from great connection - connection doesn’t come from sex - and good communication is a vitally important part of this.” Jared also urges couples to get real and stop buying into unrealistic sexual ideals. So, guys that means letting go of your porn addictions, and girls, that means losing your Disney obsession, fast! “My advice to couples is to really focus on the connection, rather than just focusing on sex. If sex isn’t happening, look at what else is up - check that your partner is feeling truly desired and loved. If there’s a really good connection, then sex will happen. And messy, complex people are far sexier and more interesting than Hollywood ideals.”
Jared’s bonus lovemaking tip: do your homework, via sexy reading to get you in the boudoir. Check out The Five Love Languages and Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships.
28 comments
Roxybell007
More than a month agoOhhhh nooooo, after reading all these comments - I think there is something wrong with me!
ReplyI don't fck anyone for the sake of getting sex....come on , and I'm not hard to please..... so obviously I must have something seriously wrong with me!
Maybe I should stop reading these posts.
Roxybell007
More than a month agoWell , this all sounds great.
ReplyBut what if you have a sex drought due to no available partner huh?
shark10003
More than a month agoWhat has long term relationships got to do with this website. Isnt this for single people?
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ReplyAMM.Editor
More than a month agoThere are plenty of members looking for a LTR or here to have fun until they find love. The site can really be what you want it to be. And the article would be very relevant to many couples on the site.
Extrafun4u2
More than a month agoWith men prostrate problems cause big problems as do after surgery with some men never achieving another hardon. Women should understand there is more to sex than penetration and not put down men who can not achieve big cocks every time. There are many ways to enjoy sex with people so go explore.
ReplyHenmvy2
More than a month agoMenopause can be truly horrific for some women. I found it terrifying. Two years of pain. Exhaustion. Deep emotional lows. Looking for tumors to explain the pain. Aarrrgggg?
ReplyIt can be scary for men too as they try to help their partners. Thankfully HRT is now more accepted. More women are using this. I found it life changing. But our bodies do change. For better and for worse.
NoHarmInAsking
More than a month ago"Sex Drought", surely you're not meaning for women !!?
I remind you of the Dr. Hook song "Girls can get it anytime they like".
Never been more true words written !
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoBut women are a lot more selective than men - we don't just take any old thing that's on offer :-)
lollysaresweet
More than a month agoWhat an interesting article...thank you..
Replysex drought..menopause...was never an issue for me
I feel that a strong connection with someone is always achieveable ..
sex is important in every relationship...making it more stronger and better..
Its knowing who we are and how we make our life more fun and fulfilling..
everyone is entiled ..for their own happiness..so make the most of it..Now
Leolady727
More than a month agoOnly ever had a "sex drought" once , and that was by choice. When my 2nd husband and I split I decided to embrace celibacy but got sick of that after a couple of years and joined AMM - no sex drought for me now ;-)
ReplyDUBVEGAS
More than a month agoTodays life also contributes a lot. We are soulmates and very much still in love after 10yrs but with work, finances, kids and grandkids it does leave for limited time but when that time does arise yee haa for both
Replydalliancebyday3
More than a month agoMenopause is a disaster for most men in a long term relationship. That's why AMM exists!
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ReplyAmyF2016
More than a month agoOr its just an excuse for a lot of men. Most on here would rather look elsewhere than work on their relationship from my experience
Account Closed
More than a month agoI think he's right. Most women I know aren't that into sex anyway and when it does strike they shut up shop by the looks of it.
Account Closed
More than a month agoI think some women use it an excuse when they have been in a long-term unsatisfying sexual relationship. Let's face it, a lot of men make no effort and it's hard to get excited by a lazy, pot-bellied man who thinks that sex is a couple of in-outs then roll over and go to sleep. If you've made a commitment to be married to a person, perhaps you should make a commitment to trying to spice up your sex life, rather than taking the easy way out and cheating.
Menopause never slowed me down and I know many women who feel the same.
Account Closed
More than a month agoMenopause can be an excuse for both, it can also be quite liberating, no more periods, kids moved out, more time and time to embrace being a woman.
NoisyGirl
More than a month agoMenopause shouldn't have the word "pause" in it. I think it should be be Menomoresex!!
2ringround
More than a month agoA fair bit of BS in this one... Quote " Also, try sex toys, role playing and different routines to break up the everyday in order to rediscover your spark." Unquote.... Not much chance of trying out new things if she flatly denies anything to do with sex.
ReplyQuote.."Sex might be off the table for six-to-nine-months. If you stay true to that really clear vision of a deeper connection and intimacy on the other side, your relationship will get even stronger.” Unquote. I found that it was far longer than 6 to 9 months....
Quote..“If you keep coming on really strong to your partner, it can feel really overwhelming, like you’re only interested in sex - like you just want her body, rather than being interested in her as a person and what she’s going through.” Unquote... So the idea is back off and don't pressure her... Ummm how does that end the sex drought?
Quote.. “Do some work on developing your own interests and attractiveness - learn to channel that sexual frustration and energy into other areas of your life, like sport, hobbies, exercise or even your work, if you enjoy it." Yep, that worked a treat... she found other interests that didn't include me....
Anyway, good luck if it works for you... win some, lose some I guess.
OralAddictNo1
More than a month agoA sex drought is a sign of something seriously wrong.............
ReplyMassageman0
More than a month agoI find that most ladies that I have given sensual and erotic massage too are indeed lacking the attention from their partner or are just no getting any physical touch they so much desire.
My experience is that ladies just like to relax and lay naked and be pampered caressed softly with oil rubbed all over their bodies by a man.
Can be just sensual body massage only or consensually more and can provide creative stimulation with hands, oral, body on body slide, vibrator on clit, insertions, penetration and more andcwhatever they want all done on my massage table.
Most occasion they experience explosive orgasms and the ultimate release they seek. I massage ladies all ages and sizes, cleanliness and discreetion paramount. Pete
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoNot just the ladies.
I have met many men missing the same thing.
Account Closed
More than a month agoAgreed, many men are definitely missing any kind of affection let alone sex :(
Account Closed
More than a month agoYes agree works both ways of course obvious.
My point is that you give first then you receive in return, do nothing get nothing..... that's the cause of the drought.
Melody2973
More than a month agoThis has never happened to me :)) not sure how I'd go. Sex is like breathing for me ;)
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Replymaddoo
More than a month agoindeed....!!!
nativxxx
More than a month agodrought onlee occurs wen loss of xommunication nd appreciation nd outsyde influences distraxt u...then xums famine nd the desperation which xan result twoo emotional turmoil nd two keep the flow all gta doo is appreciate ur partner in alwaes nd u constantlee av swimminn pools as sex alwaes essential four humanz bean?
ReplyClickable
More than a month agoHow long is a sex drought? If it is not beyond the realms of ones imagination I would like to have sex one more time before I die. This Monk lifestyle is becoming tedious.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agothat would be nice, just once