Orgasms aren’t everything so why do we fake it?

Eva Sless Eva Sless on 18 February 2017    41 comments
Two pairs of feet sticking out from under a doona cover

Everyone knows that famous scene from When Harry Met Sally... The fake orgasm in the cafe... The “I'll have what she's having” line. It was (it still is) a very funny movie scene. It showed Harry that women can, and often do, fake orgasms and that the partner with whom they are faking pretty much has no idea.

We applauded her skills at heavy breathing and the build up. The hair ruffling, the little skips in breath and sound, the oh God... Oh God... It was funny! And women around the world went “Haha yes! We DO do that! Oh that Meg Ryan, she sure does get us!”

But really, when digging just a little further under the comedy... The whole thing is actually kind of sad.

Why Do We Fake It?

We fake orgasms for a number of reasons. The main ones being that we don't want to hurt someone's feelings, or that we're kinda over it and just want it to end.

Both of these reasons are pretty shit. I mean, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings is nice on the surface. “Oh, he's such a nice guy, and he's trying so hard, I'll just do this so he feels better about his fumbling, poking, not-particularly sexy moves.” Or the sex doesn't need to be terrible, it's just that you're not really in the mood, but you decided to do it anyway, and sex is supposed to end in orgasm, so you fake it as part of the process. 

Sex Is Supposed To End In Orgasm

This is one of those things that movies, TV, porn especially, and even books have taught us to expect. That all sex is a steamy, hot affair and all women come in loud, theatrical ways (usually at the exact same time as their partner), and always during intercourse. Every time. And if you don't... Well, there's probably something wrong with you.

The thing is, many, many women experience difficulty in orgasming, especially via intercourse. It's partly the physical ways our bodies are made, partly the lack of education for both women and men on how women's bodies work, and partly to do with ingrained shame about sex and sexual pleasure that affronts women at every turn. Not sexual enough, you're prudish and frigid, too sexual and you're a slutty whore. We must be sexy, but not sexual, willing but not too eager... It's all very confusing and stressful. No wonder we have trouble letting go and enjoying!

Orgasms Aren't Everything

Look, I know they're nice and satisfying and make you feel awesome. I know that we've always been taught that an orgasm means you've had good sex, and your partner is a hero... I get all that. But it isn't the be all and end all. Intimacy and closeness are super important parts of a relationship. Hugging, kissing, touching, stroking, massages, dirty talk, fantasy sharing... So many of these things can create the feeling of closeness with your partner and, with the pressure of orgasming off the table, can actually help to begin the process. You see, added in with all those extra factors above, women are mostly mental creatures when it comes to sexual arousal. The more relaxed and non-stressed about stuff we are, the more able we are to let go and come. Taking the pressure off, getting down to the very basics of touch and intimacy, of listening and communication, can help us to start orgasming... But what is most important is knowing that there's no pressure either way. That NOT orgasming doesn't mean you or your partner is “bad at sex”. 

The Faking Lie

The biggest problem that comes with faking orgasms, especially if it's something you do a lot with a regular partner, is that it's probably never going to get any better. Your partner is completely unaware that you're not particularly enjoying yourself, or even if you ARE enjoying it, they're getting the wrong idea about how much. This isn't really fair on either of you. 

If you're a regular reader of my articles you'll know that I believe in communication beyond anything else, and that sex communication is vital to a healthy relationship and sex life. If you're in a long-term relationship, and you're regularly touching genitals and sharing life together, then you really should be able to tell your partner your wants and needs in the bedroom. It's imperative to a good relationship!

If it's a hook-up/one night stand type situation then seriously, what have you got to lose by telling them to do something a little differently. You don't need to be rude. It can be as simple as moving their hands to where you want them.

It's also important to remember that you're doing a disservice to your partner! They're thinking they're some sort of Adonis in the bedroom, and getting all the big ego head from it, and it's all a lie! It may make them feel good in the short term... But in the long term it's just going to make for a shitty sex life for you, and a misplaced ego for them.

Sometimes You Can Fake It Til You Make It

This is something that I need to add, because I know it's something that is often left out in the “faking it” articles. Sometimes faking it can actually be okay. As in, sometimes just the act of breathing, and moving, and making noise can work to turn yourself on to the point of actually getting yourself over that hump. This rarely works if the sex isn't good (often nothing can fix the fumbling, poking fingers of an inexperienced partner), but if the sex is good, and the feelings are all kind of there, but just not coming together (pardon the pun) breathing heavily and moaning and getting into it can serve to align all your bits and mental bits and everything bits and result in actually being able to orgasm. 

I think the most important advice I can impart on this topic is to be aware that sex DOES NOT have to end in an orgasm. That honest and open communication is key to getting what you want out of sexual contact, and that lying, while comforting in the short term, will probably end up resulting in unsatisfying sex, damaged egos and nothing ever getting better or changing.

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Comments (41)

  • Hellren666

    Hellren666
    Account closed

    Interesting topic...I personally have never faked an orgasm or multiple orgasms...In my personal experience it really depends on a connection with your partner, emotionally, physically & a true soul & spiritual connection...that being said I believe that in an intense moment of attraction and having the need to release sexual energy can sometimes bring on fake orgasms....I personally believe that the more passionate & erotic foreplay lingers the more intense the emotions become for both or more & instead of just a quick fuck, lose yourselves in the moment & make it last until you both climax together....I don't see the point in rushing, however I do understand how connections can be very intense to the point of needing & wanting it spontaneously & I think in those moments is when a fake orgasm takes place...If you are with the right person & you make a very strong connection, make it clear that you aren't in it for a quick release, & if you do end up meeting, clarify with each other what you want it can make all the difference...For a lot of people it does matter to have that sexual experience & so many don't get to experience....For those who say it's nothing special, have no real connection to sex however there are those who have their own personal values, fair enough, for some it's not all about sex, but for those who are highly sexual & adventurous it is very important that the other willing partners are just as engaging & aren't going to fake it...
    >4w
    Reply
  • Petewil

    Petewil
    56M Terrigal, NSW,
     AU

    Why does it matter so much. An orgasm is nothing special. I would really can do it on my own in an hour or two. What I want with a lover is a connection of minds, cuddles, lucks and kisses. Intimacy, physical, emotional and sometimes spiritual are what I'm there for. Yes I have faked because they seem so sad but I shouldn't have to. I f I wasn't blissfully happy I would not keep coming back
    >4w
    Reply
  • Shyner

    Shyner
    Account closed

    I had the experience of marrying someone i shouldn't have - sex was a non event except for procreation : Fast forward to my future freedom days and having partners who actually wanted sex and had orgasms during intercourse !!!!!! What blew my mind was having partners who enjoyed foreplay , loved the kitchen bench , loved the lounge , and loved being on top to have my member at the right angle for their G-spot ....Talk about freedom, and lots of satisfied moist thighs !! A hint though , foreplay started immediately after sex and contnued until our next steamy encounter ( usually a day or two later). It's amazing watching your partner on top bump and grind her way to a thigh shaking orgasm ....
    >4w
    Reply
  • MandJlooking

    MandJlooking
    Account closed

    yep edging and foreplay are the overall winners prior to the blissful end of amazing sexual intamacy for sure :)
    >4w
    Reply
  • Slimshaddy

    Slimshaddy
    Account closed

    Hmm,, Intresting article, I think its a combination of men being too invested in there own orgasm and women either not comunicating or being fed up of the male not listening to her, so she just fakes the ending, Game over so to speak..
    >4w
    Reply
  • freogirl66

    freogirl66
    56F Perth, WA,
     AU

    I've never faked it - what would be the point?
    I agree with the person who wrote they had seen people fake it at parties/swingers clubs etc I am pretty sure I have to, which has really put me off the whole orgy thing.
    >4w
    Reply
  • nativxxx

    nativxxx
    Account closed

    its all bout teechinn eachothers bodeeways buy beinn sensual xplorative nd askinn? thats hw u appreciate nd feel eachotha that its an orgasmixx mixx si ask ur ladee two guide u nd educate u on yhe contours of a bodee oral stimulates nd using ur hands watch the fountain geyser
    >4w
    Reply
  • MarkfromHD

    MarkfromHD
    57M Humpty Doo, NT,
     AU

    I have never had a woman fake it with me so I don't really know what the fuss is about. I've also only had one lover that didn't cum and she warned me prior to meeting her that she had never reached orgasm through penetrative sex. We did try.
    But how do I know no one has ever faked it with me? Well unless they are pissing on me that large wet spot just can't be faked. Lol
    >4w
    • SassySandy

      SassySandy
      75F Ocean Shores, NSW,
       AU

      Hi.. yes I probably am seeing the wrong guys BUT how is it that there are THAT MANY!!! who can't do the right thing, doesn't it say something!!!!!! I can understand if it's 1 or 2......I'm not a faker as I LOVE to experience the real feeling.....where do I find the right one? if only I knew!!!!
      >4w
    • MarkfromHD

      MarkfromHD
      57M Humpty Doo, NT,
       AU

      Hahah. Yes well that is definitely the question. I suppose we are all asking it.
      My response to you was just a bit of tongue in cheek. I hope you didn't take it personally. Sorry if you did.
      >4w
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      Always amuses me how guys use these blogs to talk themselves up. Very seldom do they actually live up to it. Obviously you don't realise that a woman can get wet without actually coming!
      >4w
    • MarkfromHD

      MarkfromHD
      57M Humpty Doo, NT,
       AU

      @Leolady. Always amuses me that women use these blogs to try and tear men down. You have never met me, have no idea of what I am about or what I can do or have done. Instead you prefer to post abusive messages on people posts to make yourself feel good. Of course I know that women get wet without cumming. Maybe it's you that don't realize that when women actually ejaculate it generally means they are cumming. But hey. What would I know? I'm just one of those men that talk themselves up without delivering.
      I hope you have a pleasant day.
      >4w
    • whatami2do

      whatami2do
      56F NT,
       AU

      I can say from repeated experience that this lovely man definitely knows what he's doing. I have reached multiple mind shattering orgasms every time I am with him. Extremely talented and a beautiful person. Why would someone be so hurtful, such a shame.
      >4w
    • 3214fun

      3214fun
      58F Merriwa, WA,
       AU

      I feel that many men, (and even some women), do not know the difference between a woman cumming and having a orgasm, and then of course there is also squirting, lol.
      And the is a huge difference.
      An orgasm doesn't necessarily mean she has cum, and likewise cumming doesn't always mean she is having an orgasm, and a squirt will most definitely leave a wet patch!!!
      >4w
    • MarkfromHD

      MarkfromHD
      57M Humpty Doo, NT,
       AU

      Wow 3214fun. Cumming isn't an orgasm and an orgasm isn't cumming?
      Really? That is mind blowing. That you actually wrote that…
      I'll make it a little more obvious. Either every woman I've had sex with has cum, orgasmed and or squirted( bar one). And even if your right and I don't know the difference, which is hysterical, then I'm sure that women, or anyone for that matter knows when they have an orgasm ( it's called cumming, same thing!!!).
      I don't even know why I'm writing this reply. It seems to only fuel your negativity towards men. But there you go........
      >4w
    Reply
  • justforfun558

    justforfun558
    Account closed

    I have been with a lot of men, and some men can make me scream for real in about 10 minutes, and others will never ever do anything for me. I have found that the majority of men do not really know what to do or how to do it, and I have me a lot of men. Some men "think" they know and are too proud for me to tell them anything. Other men turn me off by telling me to tell them what to do. I mean what? I don't want to be in bed having to tell a man every move to make. As for the orgasms, I am multiple orgasmic, and if a man can stimulate me the right way, I will scream and squirt on & on & on. The big problem with things like is men stop too early when they should continue. Maybe I have faked it a few times when I was younger, just to make the man feel good because I liked him, but I have not faked it many times at all. Especially now at my age, I know what I want and what I like, and if he doesn't do it for me, I don't bother to see him again. I understand that men are not mind readers and every woman likes things differently, but at least try to get the right spot men.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Melody2973

    Melody2973
    Account closed

    I wouldn't fake it, if it doesn't happen it's ok :)
    >4w
    Reply
  • jenoo1

    jenoo1
    41M Sinnamon Park, QLD,
     AU

    I guess it's just like how guys fake being nice and pretend to actually care to get in women's pants.
    >4w
    Reply
  • 1DoorMan

    1DoorMan
    Account closed

    We have seen many women/ men at party's that faked it just to help the other get there rocks off .But women if its not doing it for you why waist time with them . You have a Voice just say you don't do it for me and move to the next .We are all there to Get Our Fuck On. We are not there to make love to you .
    >4w
    Reply
  • SassySandy

    SassySandy
    75F Ocean Shores, NSW,
     AU

    PROBLEM IS!!!!!! Most guys don't have the patience and OR DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT HAPPEN... to put in the time for the woman as woman take longer than men......VERY few have the right touch.....as always..it's always more about their needs than ours.....not complaining!!!!! still enjoy a nice size cock hehe!!!!
    >4w
    • JustLookin022

      JustLookin022
      62M Campbelltown, NSW,
       AU

      I assume you are generalizing about women taking longer, as I have come across women who have been done in 10min and left me high and dry, as they were simply finished and that was it. Now that can drive a guy completely nuts when you are trying to be nurturing and not like ah hello what about me.
      >4w
    • SassySandy

      SassySandy
      75F Ocean Shores, NSW,
       AU

      O dear sorry to hear that!!!!!! Being on certain medications delays things down under!!!! BUT make no mistake, still enjoying every minute of it and will ALWAYS wait, watch and give a helping hand till he is satisfied......
      >4w
    • MarkfromHD

      MarkfromHD
      57M Humpty Doo, NT,
       AU

      I think you're "dating" the wrong guys. Lol.
      >4w
    • ournewpeepshows

      ournewpeepshows
      55M Mountain Creek, QLD,
       AU

      At party's I usually take sooooo long to orgasm
      Some times I feel guilty that I am monopolising a girl and fake it so that I can finish up and move on
      Team player
      >4w
    Reply
  • nakedandsacred

    nakedandsacred
    60F Brisbane, QLD,
     AU

    never faked any sooo hmmmm smiles , yeah communication is the key n hand signs, n tell the truth .
    >4w
    Reply
  • allinmymind

    allinmymind
    61F Wodonga, VIC,
     AU

    From getting myself off I know that there are muscle contractions that happen on your fingers, so what guys don't notice that they aren't fake?
    >4w
    Reply
  • MrsArtandMrBass

    MrsArtandMrBass
    Account closed

    Great article! Love this. I wish it was something that young people could learn. We live in a very open house (5 kids) no topic is off limits and I'll be adding this to our next open chat night. If this kind of thing was part of sex Ed, the young people would be empowered, have confidence in their bodies and maybe make better decisions when it comes to sex. Communication has always be a key. It's just too bad that education doesn't teach young people how to respect their bodie. Knowledge is power. X
    >4w
    Reply
  • JustLookin022

    JustLookin022
    62M Campbelltown, NSW,
     AU

    Good and interesting article. I've always wondered when a partner is faking, or not really interested, and found I prefer the honesty. When you feel they are faking and then possibly lying about it the senses are clouded, then I do not know what is real and what is not. This does not help communication between people and caries into other relationships. I have also had a partner that only wanted me to cum so they felt they were lovable.Even tho there was a huge amount of sex and multiple orgasms for all and I did not need to finish.
    So what I am saying is the need to orgasm or cum every single time is not necessary especially when both are almost exhausted from lengthy love making. So do not take it personally if the other person actually seems fulfilled and expresses it verbally and emotionally. If a woman is happy or at least seems that way without orgasm or cumming why can't a guy?
    Would be interesting to hear the male perspective as well as women on this subject and how easy it is expressed in words as opposed to honesty with a lover or partner.
    Now upon saying all that the urge to cum sometimes overrides all senses and even when I have been too sore to continue and orgasmed a few times I have just needed to finish.Lol
    >4w
    • lotharia

      lotharia
      Account closed

      It is such an issue with many women if a guy doesn't cum. They take it personally when, as you know, it has nothing to do with them. I have met many men over the years who have not wanted to ejaculate, yet have had immense pleasure and feel satisfied. I recall one lover in particular, who had multiple orgasms but did not chose to cum for 2 or 3 days.
      >4w
    • JustLookin022

      JustLookin022
      62M Campbelltown, NSW,
       AU

      Thank you Lotharia, nice to know I am not the only one.
      >4w
    Reply
  • sinful12

    sinful12
    49F Robina, QLD,
     AU

    Great article! I hope lots of guys read this one... I used to "fake" it a lot when I was younger but as I have gotten older I realised there was no reason to fake it...just because I don't cum doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed myself... and like the article says sometimes it's just a little tweak in movement that can get you on the right track...here's hoping for some good honest times ahead for all :-)
    >4w
    • DDdelite

      DDdelite
      Account closed

      I echo what you're saying sinful12. The silly things women do when younger to think we're helping guys out, is only because we don't know any better. It's mostly due to age and inexperience, but also how our own relationships are with our mothers. My daughter is now 18 and still a virgin. She wants to wait for a guy who really 'floats her boat' so she CAN have awesome sex just how momma told her she could. Now I demand good sex and am subtle yet to the point where I want his mouth/tongue/finger/cock lol
      >4w
    Reply
  • Gibson355

    Gibson355
    Account closed

    What do you mean Fake It ?
    >4w
    Reply
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