Once we were Virgins
Emma Sachsse
on 7 June 2016
17 comments
Firstly, virginity is an obsolete, outdated concept.
Secondly, let me just state that there is nothing wrong with being a ‘virgin’ or with being asexual, if that is what you want. But I am writing for Adult Match Maker so I am going to assume you're not reading this for knitting tips. I am going to assume that you are in fact interested in sex and have in fact had some, this article is actually for you.
Thirdly, if you were lucky, at some point someone more sexually experienced than you gave you some great advice, a few excellent pointers and made you a better lover.
My point, if I have one, is that the label of ‘virgin’ still holds some weight and it seems that the ridiculous double standard still exists out there that male virginity is something to dispose of as quickly as possible and female virginity is to be treasured. What the hell? Oh and even worse, that female virginity now has an expiry date where after a certain age it starts to be just as much of a liability as male virginity can be. No I can’t tell you where and when these virgin ages are because they're not real, they are just felt by the individual or inflicted by their peers.
You see we live in a culture where social and news media seems to indicate that everyone is having more and better sex than us and a lot of the time that just isn’t true (just those of us on Adult Match Maker). Some of us are lucky enough to be in touch with ourselves and our sexuality and know what we want and how to ask for it in mutually respectful ways. But you need to remember that this is not the norm. For most people out there, sex is a big scary concept in which they are not having good enough, exciting enough, kinky enough or just not enough sex. You can’t compare your sex life with a Hollywood representation of what it should be. Or with the boasts of your friends, they may be exaggerating. If you didn’t see it at a sex party, you just can’t be sure.
So when we encounter virgins and newbies on Adult Match Maker it is our responsibility to be nice and kind and respectful. Not to scare them away! Many people find online adult dating intimidating at first, imagine if they are also sexually inexperienced, be gentle with them.
What do we do when we find out a friend is a virgin but not asexual? Well you help them feel okay about it to start with. I hadn’t met a virgin for years but then I went back to university and realised there were a whole bunch of them, both male and female. The difference was that they felt more awkward than ever before about it because they feel like they are all meant to be going at it and experts because they have all the information at their fingertips and because society implicitly assumes that. How do we reassure them? How do we destigmatise virginity enough for them to not feel so awkward that they can’t tell a potential sexual partner they are a virgin and therefore can’t lose their virginity because it's all too embarrassing.
Obviously sticking your penis in a vagina doesn’t change who you are or how masculine you are. There are plenty of masculine gay guys out there who haven’t ever stuck their dick in anything other than a mouth. Nor does having a cock in your cunt make you a woman, or less pure or more whatever. There are plenty of very impure, very sexy women who have never been near a dick.
So I think we can all agree that the actual virginity bit is bullshit (I won’t go into all the historical, misogynistic, heteronormative, political stuff here). Sex is a whole bunch of different things, done a whole bunch of different ways. That doesn’t change how awkward any newbie or sexually inexperienced person might feel and how we might want to address that. I and most of my girlfriends have stories of the sexually shy male friend, or two, whom we initiated sexually. If you haven’t, with some patience and kindness, it can be incredibly rewarding to teach someone, to take away the fear and awkwardness, to share their joy and wonder of discovery of their sexuality.
So now we have all agreed it is up to us experienced ones to be respectful and kind to the Newbies.
My advice to someone who is sexually inexperienced is to come to Adult Match Maker and put it out there, honestly. In your profile say “Male Virgin” or “Sexually Inexperienced Woman looking for tuition”. And then, hopefully, respectful and sexually experienced people can volunteer their time to gently introduce these people to becoming comfortable with their own and other people's bodies and sexuality and sexual acts at their own pace ensuring that we end up with more sexually proficient, sexually confident people out there having wonderful experiences and spreading the joy. Not shamed, scared people having crappy sex because they feel they need to “do it”.
Better sex for everyone comes from everyone having better sex.
17 comments
turambur
More than a month agoOnce lost never will be found
Replycountrytouch82
More than a month agoI am happy to admit here that I was a virgin until I was 31, ie in 2014. It was not by choice, I just did not have the right social networks for more risque acitivity with women; I had women as friends but relied on internet dating, singles events etc for dating or attempts at it. In 2014 I found a woman 9 years my junior who wished to take things further which we did, but due to distance, the age/lifestyle gap and other factors, it lasted 6 months. But I knew even from the very first time that I was naturally confident and uninhibited. Having that happen as a mature, educated adult rather than a (perhaps) naive nervous teen means I couldn't really have asked for a better start, but perhaps it could have been earlier. Timing was convenient too as I was also just starting serious research on using escorts.
My high of sexual confidence brought me to these adult sites (which I had tried before but to no avail). My second sexual partner (of sorts) occured at a swingers house party, I wondered at the time what she would have thought if I had told her! Now I have been involved in the swinging scene for at least 18 months, and curiously more successful at meeting couples.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoHopefully you find something slightly more ' meaningful ' then that kind of sex one day :)
LisaJohn4u
More than a month agoWell, this might give a lot of you a laugh but I was still a virgin until I was married aged 23 . . . in the early 70s would you believe. The days of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Never did drugs but was very much into rock and roll. It wasn't until my wife cheated on me that I ventured out to explore other possibilities. A whole new world. So I guess that I was a virgin a little longer than most.
Replyallinmymind
More than a month agoOne thing Fifty Shades of Grey the book did, was point out that "helping" males when you are older may lead to "fifty shades of fkd up".
ReplyLadyDragon
More than a month agoCan't for the life of me think why ANY VIRGIN - in the accepted meaning of the word or even just sexual inexperienced - would put on their profile anything LIKE that...!
I could just imagine all those self-appointed supposedly well-hung stallions out there slathering at the bit to mount...
Inexperienced at: 3sum, more-sum, orgies, anal, golden showers, bondage (me up to recently!) - sure, ask nicely... but the best way to have a great experience is always to suss out the cummers, first & formost. Nothing takes the place of checking out who's going to be giving it to you - the experience that is!
I have NEVER had a bad experience with any AMM member (ha!) in the over a year on this site. All cums down to 'research', or just empathy perhaps. Some not as worthwhile as others, but no nasties. More often than not they cum back as FWB or real mates!
Yes ask for the teacher, but find the best qualified first! Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones!
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Replyallinmymind
More than a month agoI'm the same, yet so many guys believe that all females have the same experience of amm.
Account Closed
More than a month agoI'm with you LadyDragon..... I reckon saying you're a "newby" online, would have all the nasties lining up and that would NOT be the best starting experience....! Much better to break the information gently over a couple of messages to see how gentle and/or considerate your new-found friend will be.... Plenty of time to back out and look elsewhere....
cumwithme10
More than a month agoWell Said Lady Dragon,,and True,,it`s better to take your time and know the person a bit better rather then jump into the fire, if you are a virgin,especially females
Halilu
More than a month agoWell well well Ms Sachsse how are you these days me dear
Reply69madgray
More than a month agoI have had the pleasure to enjoy encounters with newbies, whether it be in the swinging scene or the group parties.
I always introduce myself & have general chit chat & they usually say we are just thinking about it &/or just looking.
Then they ask if I would join them.
Last encounter at a club, didn't even know the couple were new until afterwards. SURPRISE!!!
Mrs69madgray
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Replyallinmymind
More than a month agoNewbies at sex or newbies at parties and swinging?
Iween1
More than a month agoI like this topic. My experience as a 53yo woman is that younger males are after older mature ladies because of our sexual confidence and experience. They like how we can more easily engage in conversation on our sexuality and needs, and also that we know how to use our hands sensually while appreciating with genuine admiration their well kept naked male body! That is my experience as a Bi Curious explorer. I find my sexual journey to be a real learning curve where I have gained great feedback and ideas and in turn can use with other connections. Whether it be another person added (3+sum), or the use of ice or just the sensual foreplay of plenty of touch, I now feel more empowered to enjoy an all round experience of satisfaction with others. Healthy Sexuality is about how we carry ourselves firstly,, and not only merely about the climactic result of cumming. There is so much fun and exploration to be had. I'm having a ball. In general I feel people would be more contented if only they would open up and explore/learn/give/listen/feel and chat about their sexuality. :D
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Replyallinmymind
More than a month agoCome on. I am 52 and I only use my hands on one thing usually.
Account Closed
More than a month agoIt is more fun to feel all over the person. Not meaning massage. But sensual slow long strokes to excite.
Pleasuremywife2
More than a month agoA well-researched and well-presented article - thank you.
The 'first time' for a male is somewhat like an initiation, viz getting a driver licence and sky diving. It’s for him, not her, and all he has to do is get his rocks off.
The first time for a female needs to be carefully planned with the right partner, the right environment and plenty of time. It would be crass to liken it to breaking in a horse (yes, we used to have horses), but the parallels are strong - do it with force and without empathy, and the horse will never be any good - do it slowly with kindness, and the enduring result is worth all the effort.
And on the other side of the coin, a football friend of mine used to wear a T Shirt that said "To all you Virgins, Thanks for Nothing". We males can be insensitive beings.
And yes, we were all virgins once.
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Replyallinmymind
More than a month agoExactly, and really nulls out some of the article.