Should you trick your wife into going to a Swingers Club

Chantelle Austin Chantelle Austin on 2 March 2016    28 comments
Woman and man sitting at opposite ends of a Chesterfield lounge in a swingers club

Some of you want me to say yes to this one, giving you permission to take what you think will be the short cut to your wildest fantasies…  But let me be really blunt and to the point on this one – HELL NO! This goes for anyone when it comes to sex and tricking someone else into doing something, because it could go horribly wrong. 

I know, I know, it could also work extremely well and it has done in some cases but I’m pretty sure you love her, right?  Let me give you a few insights as to what can happen, and what has actually happened to other people who tried this with their partners (some women have done this too so you can flip the gender roles for this whole article).

In all cases the biggest thing that’s impacted is her ability to trust you.  Trust is a massive factor in relationship happiness and longevity.  Moves like this could seriously cut short what could have been the relationship of your dreams.

  1. She completely explodes at you, telling you how disrespectful and presumptuous you are, in front of everyone, then storms out.  Yup, this is a scene no one wants to witness or be a part of.  Once she realises where she is and what’s expected of her, it could trigger her.  What adds to this is if she can’t control her emotional response and then feels embarrassed that she let loose in front of others, increasing the intensity of disgust and anger towards you… Can we all say “awkward!”? 
  2. She says very little but goes along with it because she doesn’t want to make a scene like lady number 1.  Meanwhile this causes her to feel violated, used, dirty (and not the good kind), possibly angry at herself for not speaking up and then a big dose of guilt and shame for not being enough for you and for doing “all those things”.  This could kill her spirit, she will withdraw more, depression kicks in (if it wasn’t already there) and she will become less and less like the woman you fell in love with.  Not fun to watch, worse to know you might have done it too. 
  3. She gives you the look.  You know that look.  That “WTF?!?!?” look that says “I’m not going to make a scene but I am NOT HAPPY and I do NOT want to do this so you have less than 5 seconds to get us out of here or there will be hell to pay when we get back in the car.  In fact, there is already hell to pay.  What were you thinking?!?”.  Yeah, you better take notice of this one because you still have an opportunity to salvage the relationship if you politely leave with her now.

    Oh wait, there is one more scenario I see a lot of:

  4. She gets in there and is timid to start with but is willing to give it a go.  She then gets more comfortable VERY quickly, to the point where she’s in the middle of a threesome while you watch from the sidelines, she is loving what they are doing to her and she’s doing or saying things she’s never said to you, which triggers all of your insecurities and then YOU are the one to do options 1 – 3. Don’t think it would never be you, I’ve seen this dozens of times.

Sooooooo, just in case it’s not clear.  Don’t trick your wife (or husband) into going to a swingers club.  It’s not nice.  It’s not cool.   It’s not fun.  And I’m not finished yet.  I can’t give you all that doom and gloom without giving you some other ways to entice her to choose to go with you, wouldn’t that be better?!?  

  1. Talk to her about the “idea”, making it clear that it’s an adventure you want to enjoy WITH her and not until she’s ready.
  2. Encourage her to share her fears and resistance so you can do whatever you need to do to dissolve the fear.  This is coming up with plans and strategies for all the “what if” scenarios you possibly can.
  3. When you get her to say yes, tell her you can both go and watch but not participate initially if that makes her feel more comfortable.  Give her the power to say when enough is enough for her, it will help her say yes more easily.
  4. Do everything you can to show her through your words and actions that she is your number one and always will be.

The only thing you need to know is that it will take patience and perseverance without being pushy.   She just needs to get used to the idea and work through her “stuff” around it.  It’s totally possible if you really willing to be the man (or woman) for her.

I'd love to hear feedback and anecdotes from AMM's swinging couples about their experiences. 

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Comments (28)

  • PartyAnimalz

    PartyAnimalz
    Account closed

    Easily the best piece I've ever read on this subject. Like Chantelle, I've seen every example she's listed above actually occur. I'll never forget the couple who turned up one night, and she had a coffee mug in her hand as a gift, because the guy who'd brought her along had told her it was a house-warming. She shrugged her shoulders, came in, and was hard at it within 30 minutes, and she became a regular...but she never brought that guy back again!
    Guys....save you lies for when you tell her you're out with the boys on a Friday night, because that might work, but lying about bringing her to a swinger's party never will.
    >4w
    Reply
  • SEQsParties

    SEQsParties
    Group Brisbane, QLD,
     AU

    No, you should not trick your partner. Apart from potentially upsetting her, it can be a mood killer for the whole party - and make you look like a tool.
    BUT there are successes. One notable occasion was the couple new to Oz with hubby commencing a new job here. Having no friends or acquaintances she agreed that going to a work function would be a positive step in establishing their new life.
    As she tells the story it became more evident as the evening progressed it was not as described.
    To cut a long story short the couple have never looked back and are still very active swingers since that night 15 years ago.
    I asked once her what did it for her. She replied "I discovered I like girls".
    >4w
    Reply
  • 69madgray

    69madgray
    68M Gosford, NSW,
     AU

    so true, I believe a met a couple like this on the weekend. I noticed they were sitting alone not talking.
    So I walked & started to make small talk, ensuring it wasn't anything about what was happening around us.
    I was asked a few questions by her, which I answered.
    Then the body language & tone turned to being accusatory, she then is said in a very loud voice, I saw you in there, so you are addicted!
    I went to walk away, when she asked again. So I spoke very softly & slowly stating no, if my partner said right now I don't want to do this anymore, I would walk away with no problems. I enjoy it & have no regrets.
    I just turned & walked away, realising that everyone there had stopped talking & was looking. For me there was no embarrassment, as I know they would defend anyone they believe is being unfairly judged.
    That is what I do like about the lifestyle, people look out for each other, as long as you vett them properly.
    >4w
    Reply
  • chateau.vino

    chateau.vino
    Group Molendinar, QLD,
     AU

    Swinging, Playing, Sharing each other with other couples, should be done only from a position of honest communication and a mutual desire to partake.
    Nothing else, will ever work.... EVER !
    We have seen this at not only our club, but other venues. And it always ends in tears !
    >4w
    Reply
  • GeorgeandCris

    GeorgeandCris
    Account closed

    We have seen this happen a number of occasions, some turned bad whilst some turned out to be ok. Was at a party where a couple showed up who had a big day at the races. Both had been drinking and she did not know where she was. After some time she was upstairs gang banging one guy after another (in excess of 20 men). The guy that brought her missed out all night. interesting.
    >4w
    Reply
  • DiamondMinx

    DiamondMinx
    Account closed

    If you have to TRICK her to go isn't that already telling you something?!!!!
    >4w
    Reply
  • stiletto.lover

    stiletto.lover
    Account closed

    Seriously? Advocating that you 'trick' your partner into something? I have no words...
    >4w
    Reply
  • allinmymind

    allinmymind
    61F Wodonga, VIC,
     AU

    Number two can be some dates, where you are just meeting to say hi.
    >4w
    Reply
  • desphousewhores

    desphousewhores
    Account closed

    We'd never trick the other into doing anything. When Mr HW first suggested swinging Mrs said she'd think about it. We discussed it (over a couple of months) and then one night out of the blue she suggested going to a local swinger's club. The point is that we both agreed and neither of us pushed the other.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Bustydreams

    Bustydreams
    38F NSW,
     AU

    how dumb is your wife if this is happening?
    >4w
    Reply
  • GodivaBliss

    GodivaBliss
    Account closed

    One should never trick or coerce another into anything. It is deceitful and has the potential for a legal battle.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Kimincanberra

    Kimincanberra
    52F ACT,
     AU

    If you respect her you don't trick her. Ask her if she wants to go, she may say yes. If you trick her into going then expect Karma to come back and really fuck you
    >4w
    Reply
  • casuallyfriends

    casuallyfriends
    53M Narrabeen, NSW,
     AU

    I really would love to try a swingers club.
    I asked her if she would like to try it one day just see what it was about ,not even participate.
    She called me everything under the sun , made me feel like a sleeze and then got on the phone to her elderly aunt telling her in discust I wanted to go to a swingers club . This was extremely embassasing for me.
    She made it clear there would never be anything like that ever in our relationship and in the 5 years since I lucky to get very quick sex on a quarterly basis. Very frustrated and cant talk to her about it.
    Any suggestions guys?
    >4w
    Reply
  • Melody2973

    Melody2973
    Account closed

    After visiting one I don't think they are all that. Seems to me just a reason to have a ' free for all '. I'm not just going to sex with anyone, I'm not that desperate. I'm not sure of the women were high or drink or just plain lost but some of the stuff I saw made me think ' desperate '.
    Each to their own, it gave me a good giggle but that's it :))
    >4w
    • Leolady727

      Leolady727
      Account closed

      I've been to a few - usually it's just an opportunity to meet like-minded people and get together with them later - I'm not much of an exhibitionist. I did, however, go to a club (which advertises on AMM) not long ago - there were only four couples there that night, we all clicked and ended up having a bit of a free-for-all, which was most enjoyable and I don't think anyone was drunk or desperate. That experience, however, is the exception, rather than the rule.
      >4w
    Reply
  • FrankyJaye

    FrankyJaye
    64F Brisbane, QLD,
     AU

    My ex was a swinger and always wanted me to swing with him, except our relationship didn't make me feel like I was his one and only and I was hesitant because I believed our relationship should be strong before we involved others. We had foursome at our place and I participated as much as I felt comfortable with. He left me not long after because I didn't want to be as involved as he was.
    He didn't believe we could go to party and that I would be able to take my time and be involved as much as I wanted not as much as he wanted.
    >4w
    Reply
  • WeRNorty

    WeRNorty
    63M 67F Redcliffe, QLD,
     AU

    Why does sexual honesty have to be concealed?
    Deception to steal the brief reward of sex says a lot about the deceiver's lack.
    If you value yourself and treat others well, your shared desires will have real value and power.
    You will attract people of equal value if you are about clever taking just for you.
    Pay up front with honesty so you don't have to pay the piper for the performance.
    >4w
    Reply
  • justforfun558

    justforfun558
    Account closed

    No, don't trick anyone into going to a swingers club. If you cant talk about it openly and honestly, don't trick.
    >4w
    Reply
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