Sex Positive Sexplanation

Eva Sless Eva Sless on 25 February 2016    37 comments
Happy young woman lying on a bed making a V sign with her hand

As a “sexpert” I spend my days talking about, reading about, and researching about sex. I look at it from all angles. The good, the bad and the ugly, and then I try and collate what I know and see into interesting and readable chunks for people to explore and examine and learn from.

In the years I have been doing this I have seen a lot, experienced a lot and learnt a lot, and every day brings more. 

We humans are an ever-evolving, ever-learning species and I truly believe the more we learn about the world and people around us, the more we end up learning about ourselves.

Science, religion, mathematics, psychology... All of these things and more challenge us to look deeper into the universe and ourselves to find out what makes us tick, and sex and sexuality is no different. The more we know, the more we can evolve within ourselves and find our true paths.

To me, when it comes down to the crux of it, this concept of deeper knowledge and personal acceptance within the bounds of our feelings on sex and sexuality is what is becoming known throughout the world as “Sex Positivity”.

The Women and Gender Advocacy Centre defines “Sex Positivity” like this:
“Like many terms within feminism, sex positivity means different things to different people. As a broad ideology and world view, sex positivity is simply the idea that all sex, as long as it is healthy and explicitly consensual, is a positive thing.”

I would like to expand on this a little because I don't think it completely explains the broadness of this term. To someone like me who is around it all the time, I get it. I know what this little quote is saying and I believe and agree with it wholeheartedly. But then, I'm a sexpert. I get the full picture. I'm not someone who has been sheltered from the openness or the language of sex. My entire world and career is built upon a foundation of sex. I'm not someone who has to hide who I am or what I desire. I am lucky. I am a rare breed. 

I know this because when I put this question to my friendship circle and asked “What does sex positivity mean to you?” the replies were varied. Of my sex worker and swinger and sexually open friends I got responses like one I would give if asked that question, but of friends who are not as into “sexual lifestyles” or even “gender politics” as myself, there was a lot of confusion. One friend even emailed me to ask if there was something wrong with her because she's never really liked sex all that much and could be quite happy living without it for the rest of her life and so did that mean she couldn't classify herself as sex positive?

The short answer to that is no. You can absolutely be a sex positive person and never have had sex ever in your life.

The long answer is a little bit more involved.

See, the thing is, not all sex is great. It can be completely consensual and completely wanted, and it can still be not great. All sorts of things can make it not great. Timing, technique, mood, so many factors. It can also be a case of “not for me”. Like for example, I am a huge sex positive person and yet if anyone tries to put semen anywhere other than below my neck, I get grossed out. I know right, the great sexpert gags at the smell of cum... Whoda thunk it, eh?

But the big difference is that I am fully aware that that is my thing. I'm totally fine with other people doing whatever the hell they want to do in the bedroom (in a consensual way obviously), and I am absolutely 100% fine with being able to talk about it without shame, or fear of rejection or ridicule. And that goes for all forms of sex. That's what the “positivity” part means. Not that all sex is woo-hoo awesome and everyone should love it and omg if you don't like it you must be some sort of prude and negative Nancy... No. 

It means that all sex and conversations about sex, whether good or bad, no matter what you're into, should be able to be expressed properly and without judgement. That there is no shame in what we like or do not like. That there is no pressure to “conform” to what we think others want us to like or not like.

Sex positivity is not only about having a positive attitude to sex and sexuality and having the freedom to express yourself and explore what you like without shame, it's also about being confident to say yes, and just as confident to say no and to be comfortable within your own sexual skin. It's the knowledge that there is a whole universe of thoughts and practices around sex and that all of them, regardless of your own personal experiences or preferences, are okay within the boundaries of the people who are experiencing it.

In the simplest of terms, in the most convenient definitions (thanks Breakfast Club), sex positivity is an abandoning of shame and taboo, a recognition and acceptance of the varied myriad of sex and sexuality that resides in our world, and the ability to express ourselves without the fear of judgement. Even if it's not your thing.

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Comments (37)

  • 4evalookin

    4evalookin
    47F SA,
     AU

    Love it and all your articles. You are giving me a new view on sex and what I should be expecting. My new found self esteem gave me the "balls" to end something with one of those "oh just try it and oh but I really enjoy it" types. Well no I don't and you are kicked to the kerb. Lol
    >4w
    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva
      48F Reservoir, VIC,
       AU

      At the risk of using a tired internet phrase "YESSSS Queen!!"
      This is why I do what I do and I am so proud and happy that it helps people to see their worth.
      Go you!!
      May your life be filled with all the pleasure and positivity you deserve.
      xxx
      >4w
    Reply
  • Loveyou4ever

    Loveyou4ever
    56M Frankston, VIC,
     AU

    Sexy is good, I'm sexy in my own way, every body is sexy in there own way
    >4w
    Reply
  • Shesatisfied

    Shesatisfied
    48M Busselton, WA,
     AU

    I have not much to say there except that I agree wholeheartedly. And as I mentioned before, that Sex and the hopefully orgasams and or climaxes are a God given and caring Lover release that is better happening that not happening. But we ALL know that! Don’t we?? Younger males and uncaring lovers of all sexes, excepted of course. And from what I have been hearing there are too many of those around.
    >4w
    Reply
  • tookie46

    tookie46
    44M Kearneys Spring, QLD,
     AU

    I'm trying to broaden,my experiences so I can be more than a guy who fucks.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Neonjackstar2

    Neonjackstar2
    Account closed

    Great article! Its really where i am at right now in my life... i am feeling way more comfortable within my own skin and feel confident to voice what i like and don't like without feeling shame or embarassment. This is a prettty nice place to be in.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Secretly69wild

    Secretly69wild
    Account closed

    Thank you this article is brilliant.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Howaboutnow73

    Howaboutnow73
    Account closed

    Eva,
    Thanks, a really thoughtful and worthwhile article I thought...in my humble opinion. I'd also like to thank 'soapinmyeyes' and 'sextraordinary' as I thought their input actually added to the article, significantly and positively.
    I can't help but think that 'Sex Positive' is very much an 'attitude' to sex. A positive, learned, self aware, secure, responsible, respectable, righteous attitude to sex. I feel that to be sex positive is directly connected though, to the overall attitude of a human being. Self awareness and confidence in particular, but also, it brings up the issue of the need of presence of an adequate level of common respect between participants. Something for all to be mindful of I believe. I'll go further to say that regardless of the sexual activity taking place, regardless of the number of participants...be mindful of your 'attitude' to yourself and others....I think that goes with many things in life. Wouldn't the world be a different place if some stopped and thought for a moment...not only about themselves...... but about others. I think in it's essence 'sex positive' although very intricate and involved is a part of a larger 'life positive'.
    Thanks Eva xx
    >4w
    Reply
  • lollysaresweet

    lollysaresweet
    Account closed

    I enjoy reading...so true..enjoy each other while we can still have that wonderfull feeling and connection
    with someone.. enjoy each sex while we still can, some people don't have that kinda urge anymore when they reach certain age like mine..I will never and don't want to loose that intimate feeling..sex has big part of it..
    >4w
    Reply
  • Upforit2nite01

    Upforit2nite01
    Account closed

    Don't overthink it!
    >4w
    Reply
  • Looklustlick

    Looklustlick
    Account closed

    Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if everyone thought along these lines
    >4w
    Reply
  • Polysexual

    Polysexual
    45M Frankston North, VIC,
     AU

    So very true loved reading it a lot keeper coming please
    >4w
    Reply
  • naughtydouble

    naughtydouble
    47M 0M Ormiston, QLD,
     AU

    I enjoyed that . Like the diversity of the human race so is the diversity of our wants needs and desires Thank you
    >4w
    Reply
  • Newgirl1989

    Newgirl1989
    36F Melbourne, VIC,
     AU

    Great read.
    >4w
    Reply
  • allinmymind

    allinmymind
    61F Wodonga, VIC,
     AU

    You lost me at feminist, up until then great. And also consensual becomes murky when we are partnered.
    Reading to the bottom, I'm all for it, especially in chat if everyone's view has equal value.
    >4w
    • soapinmyeyes

      soapinmyeyes
      Account closed

      Good point about consensual becoming murky when partnered allinmymind. Personally I do my best not to judge others, but this is not necessarily the case if a matter should end up before the courts. A recent decision in WA brought this home where a husband and wife engaging in 3somes was interpreted by the court as being abusive and controlling. I would under no circumstances wish to engage with a couple if the encounter could be redefined at a later date as something which it was not. I have no answers to this dilemma, but hope that there is some discussion about it by those who do. And what better place to discuss it?
      >4w
    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva
      48F Reservoir, VIC,
       AU

      Consent is never murky and should never be considered murky.
      Consent can be given and withdrawn at any time. Otherwise it is classed as assault.
      Accusations after the fact can be tricky, yes, but so rare, but which is why it is important to communicate with your play mates. If you feel that something is up then speak up. Ask if they're okay. Check in.
      Courts have always been ridiculous and prudish when it comes to sex that isn't missionary between husband and wife. Look at the bullshit sex workers get when trying to charge an abuser.
      But, like I said, accusations after the fact are very rare but, if it's something that worries you that you think could happen to you, then be constantly aware of the situation you are in and always make sure to communicate.
      But again I will reiterate... Consent is never murky. Yes means yes. In fact, in my world I believe that anything LESS than an enthusiastic yes should be reconsidered and perhaps left alone.
      Besides, why would you want anything less than an enthusiastic yes?
      Have a sexy weekend!!
      >4w
    • soapinmyeyes

      soapinmyeyes
      Account closed

      Hi Eva and thanks for the response.
      I simply can not agree that consent is never murky and could provide a plethora of evidence to support my claim. Kevin Ibbs being one etreme example. I don't know about others but it has always been a negotiation in my experience, and not an absolute clear cut line between relations and assault.
      I agree however that accusations after the fact are rare. And that the courts have been prudish towards anything other than missionary sex between a married man and woman.
      And here lies my confusion over this recent decision. If a single person joined a married couple for a 3some, how would they know if a yes from the female partner was consensual? Particularly given that the courts are the only ones who could decide if this woman was consenting or being 'abused and controlled'? How would one know if this was an enthusiastic yes, or one which had been given as a result of coercion?
      I understand that this is a contentious issue but believe that it is one which should be discussed. It would make for an interesting poll here at AMM. Is consent always clear cut or murky?
      Anyway, I'm on a promise and hope you have a sexy weekend as well :)
      Soapinmyeyes
      >4w
    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva
      48F Reservoir, VIC,
       AU

      The Ibbs case, although I know what you're trying to say, is not only an extreme example, it's also almost 30 years old, and conversations, laws, education and social knowledge of consent have, by the hard work of the sexpert who came before me, come a very long way... Although we still have a very long way still ahead... It was also an elaborate and malicious set up and so therefore hard to really assess in real terms because all her actions were contrived. If that makes sense.
      As for recognising an enthusiastic yes over a coerced one, I don't know of the case you're referring to so I can't comment, but I'd like to think I could tell if someone didn't really want to fuck me.
      :)
      >4w
    • soapinmyeyes

      soapinmyeyes
      Account closed

      Thanks again Eva for your response. And yes I would also hope I would be able to tell. This recent decision though had me pondering the matter. One of the things I love about AMM is that people are in general very open and honest about sexuality, and in a positive way. I raised the issue here as when I tried at the CWA I got offered more pumpkin scones (kidding lol).
      Take care and I look forward to reading more of your articles. Soapinmyeyes.
      >4w
    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva
      48F Reservoir, VIC,
       AU

      Haha. As a sort of related aside, the CWA are actually surprisingly sex positive and many factions have been instrumental in youth LGBTI programs and young women's health and education in rural areas.
      Also they make amazing pumpkin scones.
      Thank for the discussion!
      Always wonderful to have an intelligent and we'll reasoned debate.
      Enjoy your Sunday x
      >4w
    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva
      48F Reservoir, VIC,
       AU

      Also, Soapinmyeyes, can I just say how wonderfully refreshing and fun I found your profile.
      I do enjoy people who can have a giggle at the absurdity of sex and sexuality relations.
      Thank you
      >4w
    • soapinmyeyes

      soapinmyeyes
      Account closed

      [Blushes] Thought I'd better dress a little more appropriately before replying Eva lol.And thank you for you kind comments. Humour is a great icebreaker and can turn the ordinary into fun pretty quickly. Make a good follow up article the art of ice breaking :)
      Seriously though, I do think that there are benefits to discussing these types of matters openly and honestly. The CWA example you give above about building bridges rather than taking sides being a good example.
      once again thanks, and oh..... there's a spare seat in the sauna next saturday if you're free (slippery when wet soap lol)
      >4w
    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva
      48F Reservoir, VIC,
       AU

      Haha. Thank you very much for the kind offer. Although unfortunately it would take me about five or six days driving to get to you.
      I'll remember the invitation if I'm ever over your way.
      :)
      >4w
    Reply
  • SassySandy

    SassySandy
    75F Ocean Shores, NSW,
     AU

    MMMM wish I specialised in sex and sexuality!!!! lucky Eva!! I do at times get funny looks because I LOVE sex so much and still doing it big time at my age.....BUT because I've always been very sexual and sensual, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE LOOKS, OPINIONS OR COMMENTS from people whom I'm sure are deep inside VERY envious hehe.........We only live once!!
    >4w
    Reply
  • Amante.

    Amante.
    49F Adelaide, SA,
     AU

    Great article.
    As a practicing and preaching sex positive person, I am often stuck by people's lack of education. Even here there are many people who think that because I state I am sex positive, that it means I'll have any sex with anyone. Ha.
    >4w
    Reply
  • 1easygoin1

    1easygoin1
    Account closed

    Its all about sex positivity and more power to it. Though people still continue to judge others when it comes down to the nitty gritty. The more we accept each other, the more happier we all will be.
    >4w
    Reply
  • triXXXi66

    triXXXi66
    58F 58M SA,
     AU

    Its all about being able to express your thoughts and feelings without shame or inhibitions, and being able to accept others for who they are and what they like... No judgements!
    >4w
    Reply
  • XTeenly

    XTeenly
    Account closed

    Recently a guy said to me "how much sex do you need", it was a condescending statement because he was annoyed that I love sex. So my answer was "Lots".....lol
    >4w
    Reply
  • Sextraordinary

    Sextraordinary
    Account closed

    Soooo timely, for me! As a 65yr 11 mths old person (nooo! not 66!) who grew up in 60s I was incredibly inhibited... in many ways. Yes, I loved sex, and at the time the power it gave a skinny female over (sometimes pushy) males, but to have admitted it then? Wow, I would have been a nympho. Now I just call myself a skank!!! In lovable terms of course!
    In the 1 year (anniversary 20 Feb) I have been on AMM, I have had more fun, more adventures, more cum (above AND below the neck) than I probably had in my whole sexual life before. I have done things I would have been totally ashamed of in my previous life, and LOVED it. I have had a great teacher recently, have started swinging, and hope to enjoy more of lots of things in the future. Makin' up for lost opportunities! Just goes to show that spots don't just change, they disappear!! Bring it on!
    >4w
    Reply
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