Why do you feel sad after sex?

Adult Match Maker on 13 September 2015    9 comments
Woman lying beside her partner in bed looking sad

Picture this: You’re lying in bed with a playmate, having just had an earth-shattering round of sex. You’re sweaty, you’re breathless, you’ve got no idea what happened to your underwear and you couldn’t care less. 

At this point most would assume you would snuggle in for a naked nap, get up and shower together or perhaps even start warming up for round two. 

So why would someone experience bedroom blues?

It's often referred to as post-coital tristesse (PCT)  or post-coital dysphoria (sadness) and it can actually affect both men & women.  For some it can be a fleeting moment, whilst for others the feeling can last for hours. 

An Australian study, carried out by Robert Schweitzer of the Queensland Institute of Technology, asked 200 Aussie women about the post-coital blues, and found some astonishing results.  Roughly 10% claimed to regularly or almost always feel sad after sex and one in three women had reported feeling this way at some point. 

One of the women explained that it had nothing to do with the connection she and her partner shared, saying that this feeling of sadness feels in no way connected to her relationship or how she feels about her man. 

What causes it?

Unfortunately researchers don't have a definitive answer but what they do know is that there are distinct hormonal changes during orgasm and immediately following. Dopamine levels in the brain sharply decrease after sex, which can lead to feelings of sadness or depression. And if dopamine levels are already low in a person’s brain, then a sharp decrease may affect that individual more.

Another study found it could be related to the level of the hormone prolactin which shoots sky high after an orgasm. Prolactin works like a thermostat to shut off our desires so the harder you come, the bigger the come down.

And sadly for some it may stem from past issues such as sexual abuse, which can cause feelings of shame or guilt during sexual activity later in life.

And Australian researchers believed that biological predisposition may play a key role.  Their next step is to study women’s emotional traits - such as how they feel about themselves and their own confidence levels - to try to figure out if this had anything to do with the results. Once they can track down the cause, they’ve a much better chance at determining a solution, so everyone can pick between the usual sleep, shower, or sex again options. 

What can help alleviate it?

Communication with your partner can play a key role in helping overcome these feelings. If your partner isn't aware that you experience these feelings after sex they won't know how to help.

Women who experience this kind of sadness may feel better after reassurance from their partner. While men who experience post-coital blues often want to flee. Women typically need just the opposite and will feel better spending time with the person after sex. 

One school of thought is that mild anti-depressants may help but those same drugs can sometimes diminish sex drive. In contrast some researchers believe therapy holds the key.

We asked Sydney Sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars PhD for her advice. Dr Mars said "Orgasms are a good mood lifter.  If women feel sad after sex I would recommend interrupting the descent into low mood with a post-coital tryst with their vibrator."

What about the post-sex glow?

Just about every piece of evidence we have suggests that consensual sex is great for you - like a hot yoga class or kale smoothie. 

That post-sex glow is no myth. It’s a combination of benefits of sex such as the great cardio exercise you’re getting, the self-confidence boost, increased blood circulation, and stress reduction. By all accounts, sex should leave you feeling like a world-dominating sex god at best or simply exhausted and sleepy at worst. 

So as much as the post-sex blues sounds like an oxymoron it does exist. So communicate with your partner and never under-estimate the health benefits of post-sex cuddles.

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Likes & Comments

Comments (9)

  • Sasa168

    Sasa168
    52M Broadbeach Waters, QLD,
     AU

    If women had an "on/off the feeling, man should care for your lover.
    After all, women are sentimental
    >4w
    Reply
  • THORGODOFTHUNDE

    THORGODOFTHUNDE
    Account closed

    Be open and talk, it's not that hard "IF" you "BOTH/ALL" try.........
    >4w
    Reply
  • Friendlyfun069

    Friendlyfun069
    Account closed

    Plenty of cuddling and talk afterwards :)
    >4w
    Reply
  • 1DoorMan

    1DoorMan
    Account closed

    Its all about the Honey as like to call women. We men are attracted to the Honey if we do not deliver enough stimulation,effort,cuddles and pillow talk your woman just might with draw the Honey. As she feels that you have not satisfied her needs be caring.
    >4w
    Reply
  • CalamityJayne

    CalamityJayne
    58F Mornington, VIC,
     AU

    Having had to deal with this outcome on several occasions through my adult life, I assumed it was my fault I had those feelings. Knowing that my initial encounter with a guy may be the key to dealing with it is a powerful thought, one that gives me a way of combatting the sads. Thank you for the enlightenment!
    >4w
    Reply
  • Avaaaa

    Avaaaa
    Account closed

    When we make a decision to engage in a sexual act, we need to be mindful of what motivates us to do it and with whom we do it. Being conscious of our motivations means being honest/authentic. Gently letting know the other party or parties where you stand will also create a better environment with less regret afterwards.
    >4w
    Reply
  • Leolady727

    Leolady727
    Account closed

    I never feel sad after GOOD sex. Good sex should leave both partners happy, breathless and wanting to cuddle, snuggle and talk until sleep comes.
    >4w
    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor
      Staff Account

      Unfortunately this isn't true for everyone, regardless of whether the sex is GOOD. Hopefully some people will read the article and realise they are not alone is feeling isolated or sad even after good sex.
      >4w
    • Trythesehard1s

      Trythesehard1s
      56M 52M SA,
       AU

      It's a pity some people are just self absorbed Ed .
      >4w
    Reply
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