Finding Her the Easy Way

Most girls I know get hundreds of responses to their Adult Match Maker profiles. Most guys I know get none. Whether you like it or not – guys are the shoppers, and girls are the shopees. That means making the most out of your retail expeditions. With a little forward planning and some artful cut and pasting, you might never have to go into a mall again!

First of all – consider your user name as your first point of contact. “Dr Love” might sound catchy, but most women don’t want to go out with someone who sounds like a gynaecologist. Likewise ‘stillsearching’ or something that alludes to the size of your cock. Even if you did happen to luck upon a blonde nymphomaniac with big tits, chances are she’s bagged the bloke with the huge chest and spray tan. Instead, chose a name that reflects something good about yourself that chicks already dig – it could be your fun2bwith, agr8cook or just plain dependable.

Next, consider sending a well-written message rather than a wink – it shows you’re not a cheap-skate and puts you ahead of all the other blokes. Unless you have a profile picture that resembles Brad Pitt, chances are girls aren’t going to give a wink the time it takes to examine your profile properly. An eloquent paragraph, on the other hand, will have them looking you over like a cold packet of Tim Tams on a hot day. Think of the words as your ‘elevator statement’ – something that encapsulates the best things about you and brief enough to say in the time it takes to move between floors. Make sure there are no spelling or grammatical errors and cut and paste the same words each time.

Thirdly, make sure your profile has a picture. It’s all very well to say your photos are in a private gallery, but who wants to go a museum on a shopping trip? If you look like the side of a truck or wish to remain anonymous, consider a sexy mask or push your face up against something cute – like a puppy or a child. Even a chest shot or just your eyes are better than nothing at all - remember, no photo means you have something to hide and will put them offside straight away.

Your ‘About Myself’ and ‘Ideal Partner’ sections are going to make you or break you (if your ‘sex in public’ hasn’t already) so take time on these as well. Guys who try and promote themselves with single sentences such as, ‘love to hang out’ are going to be dropped quicker than free balls outside of running shorts. Once again, make sure there are no spelling or grammatical errors because no-one wants to go out with someone who can’t string a sentence together. If English is your second language, get it checked by someone who is much better at it than you are. Save the lovely accent for the telephone.

If you are about as interesting as watching paint dry, describe your passions instead (this does not include masturbation or your porn collection). If you like music, describe the feelings it generates within you or how much you enjoy watching your children at play. Women value intimacy above all else, so write less facts and more feelings.

Likewise, when describing your ideal mate, ‘Ladies looking for some casual no strings hot times’ is not going to have them breaking down your door. Even if you do only prefer anorexic brunettes with latex fetishes, now is not the time to say it. Instead, look up the ‘About Myselfs’ of the women you’d like to attract and quote them extensively.

Finally, if she does reply to your message, re-read her profile, find a mutual interest and generate a virtual discussion. That way, when – or if – you do finally meet, it will seem like you already know each other.

Above all, be honest! One of the most common complaints about online dating is misrepresentation. Whilst many may consider a first date to be a victory – it’s hollow if she hates you.