Q: Dear Amie, I haven’t felt a spark with anyone since I broke up with my ex. Does that mean I’m still in love with them?

First things first – let me reassure you, you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way. And no, I’m not still in love with my ex (thankfully that chapter is well and truly closed). But I’m pretty sure I speak for anyone who’s ever been through a breakup, it’s pretty normal to feel a little emotionally constipated after a split. Whether your relationship was an epic love story or a “thank god that’s over” messy saga kind of split, the aftermath can sometimes leave us questioning everything, including our ability to feel those fireworks again.

However, not feeling a spark right now doesn’t automatically mean you’re still in love with your ex. It could simply mean:

1. You’re still healing: Break ups can mess with our hearts and minds, even when we are the ones ending things. Sometimes you just need to give yourself time to process what happened before you’re ready to open up to meeting someone new. Think of it as your emotional reboot!
2. You’re comparing everyone to your ex: It’s natural to measure new people up against your ex, especially if they were your most recent relationship. But, remember that no one is going to be an exact replica of your ex, and that’s absolutely a good thing! Your ex is your ex for a reason, remember?
3. Don’t underestimate a slow starter: Sometimes we’re so used to the high-octane drama or intense connection from a previous relationship that a quieter and slower connection can feel underwhelming. But not every spark needs to start with a bang – some just take time to build over time into something even stronger than what you and your ex had. Starting slow gives you the chance to build solid foundations and communicate openly without the distractions of instant intensity. Don’t underestimate a slow burn – they usually last the longest!
4. You’re just not into anyone right now: No one’s taken your fancy since you’ve become single again? That’s fine! Maybe you’re just not in the mood to date again yet. You’re allowed to take a break from dating and focus on yourself. Plus, sometimes the best sparks walk into your life when you’re not even looking for them.

So, are you still in love with your ex? The fact that you’re even asking this question probably means there’s a chunk of you still tied to the past – and that’s normal. Love doesn’t have an off switch unfortunately. But there’s a big difference between loving your ex for the person they were and actually wanting them back in your life. Ask yourself: if my ex walked in right now, would I take them back? Or am I just being nostalgic for the good moments?

If nostalgia is your answer, that’s a sign you’re moving forward, even if it feels like it’s at a snail’s pace. And hey, if you’re still a little hung up on them, that’s okay too. Processing complicated feelings can be hard and healing certainly isn’t linear. You’re allowed to miss someone while knowing they’re not right for you.

Not feeling a spark doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of loneliness or that you’re in love with your ex. My advice is to give yourself permission to feel your feelings. If you’re not ready to date, or you’re wildly flicking your way through profiles without finding any sparks, then don’t force it. Focus on the things that light you up – hobbies, solo adventures and reconnecting with friends. Take your time, be kind to yourself, and trust that the right connection will come when you’re ready for it. And whatever you do, don’t text your ex after a few wines. Trust me.

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