Yes, No, Maybe - Create your Personal Sex List

When it comes to life experiences, something I have always believed is that the more you know, the better they usually are. And by that I mean when you have a better understanding of how it all works, you're going to find more and more ways to enjoy it. Learning how to do something difficult like rock climbing or scuba diving gets better and more fun with every experience, and the more you know, the more you want to explore and learn.

Sex is the same. The more you know about it, the more you can explore it, and the better you know yourself and your body, the more satisfaction you will achieve. And one of the best ways to start learning more about what you like, don't like, and aren't too sure about yet, is to create your very personal sex list.

What is a Sex List?

When I say "sex list", I'm not talking about a bucket list. This is more of a personal journey of self discovery and exploration that can not only help you become a more sexually confident person, but can also strengthen your bonds and relationships with your sexual partners. 

You want to really think about the things you like, the things you don't like, and the things you don't really know about yet.

It can be scribbled in a notepad, hidden away in a locked diary, or professionally laid out on an Excel spreadsheet. It's totally up to you how you craft it, but it is important to revisit it and be honest about it.

It's a fluid list too, which means it will change, and update, and move around as you explore and discover new things. Nothing in life is certain, and as we grow our tastes change, our worlds change, and our bodies change too, so the things you may have written on your sex list in your twenties will absolutely change by your forties and that's a really good thing!

But I'm not a Kinkster!

Yeah okay, I know that creating a sex list might sound a bit 50 Shades-esque, but while that's kind of part of it (the limits and boundaries part) it isn't in any way inherently kinky or naughty at all, and it's also in no way giving up any power or control, it's actually the complete opposite.

Also, especially at the start, it's not for anyone else. It's for you. For your own mind, and for your own journey. 

So how do I Start?

Basically what you're doing is writing out all of your sexual thoughts and feelings in a simple "Yes, No, Maybe" format. It's really not hard to get started, and doesn't need anything other than your imagination and honesty. 

Delving into your own desires, and actually getting them onto paper is a fantastic way to explore your own boundaries and preferences. You might even start to surprise yourself with how honest your subconscious sex brain is as you start exploring the deeper reaches of your fantasies... And by that I mean it can go either way. Maybe you've always done something because it's "expected" not because you actually want to, and vice versa there may be things your secret brain tells you to hide away, but you actually really, really want to give it a go.

Who is a Sex List For?

To begin with, the list is for you. Just you. Just your eyes. Your thoughts. Your fantasies. 

It doesn’t matter if you're in a long-term relationship or just looking for casual hook ups, having these things made clear in your own head first and getting them into a more coherent space then helps you communicate those thoughts to a partner, and trust me, when you're ready, telling your partner you've made a sex list is a bloody great conversation starter.

Communicate like a Boss 

All good relationships start with trust and communication so if you have the trust, then the communication, especially if written out in ways you can articulate and understand yourself, becomes a lot easier.

Being open and vulnerable is a huge step in creating a perfect sexual partnership (regardless of longevity of it - one night stands, hookups, or long term relationships).

Honesty fosters intimacy, and it also ensures you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to exploring new terrains together. 

In this vein, it means it's totally okay if it ends up that both of you to have different things on your lists. Sure there may be some of your "nos" on their "yeses" and vice versa, but that's life isn't it? If it really is an issue and something that could affect your relationship then surely it's a better thing to have it out the open earlier rather than later?

It’s all about mutual respect and understanding, which should be a cornerstone of any relationship.

Boundaries and Consent

One of the best reasons I can think of for everyone to write out and create their own sex list is it sets boundaries and lets your partner know how seriously you take consent. Knowing what you or they are firmly against can prevent uncomfortable situations down the line, and absolutely helps weed out those red flag partners we sometimes can't see as clearly as we should.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re closed off or a prude either. It means you’re being clear about your limits. Everyone has their own comfort zone, and that’s perfectly fine. In fact, like I said earlier, being able to articulate those limits can make for a far more enjoyable experience when you and your partner dive into the "yes" and "maybe" sections.

Maybe Baby!

I honestly think the "maybe' list is the most fun part of it all.

Like sure you know what you like, and you definitely don’t wanna do some of those other things.... But the maybe is exciting!

It's all of those little titillating things you saw in that porno that made your tummy feel funny but you've NEVER thought of that before. It's the niggly little temptress in the back of your head that says ooooh maybe I would like to be tied up, or tie him up, or be tied up together! It's those things that make you blush, make you wiggle, make you think... But that also might scare you a little cos it's taboo, or different, or not what your friends say they do.

This kind of exploratory thinking can be a fun way to slowly introduce new ideas to your sex life, and a simple discussion about trying something from the "maybe" pile can turn into playful experimentation that strengthens your bond and your sexual play. Even if you both end up deciding it’s for the "no" column.

Do your Research

It's really important to be open and willing to explore and revisit your list. Once you’ve tried something and decided you like it, consider looking up new ideas within that same kind of frame. For example, if you’re into porn, do a search and see if there's other ways to play, if you have close friends you trust you could ask them about their experiences. Read erotica.  Go into adult shops. Find like minded groups on social media. 

Suggestions from others will not only make you feel less alone in the sex world, it can also help expand your horizons, stirring up creativity and fun in the bedroom. 

Remember a Sex List is Fluid

I know I keep saying it, but it's super important to keep in mind that this list isn’t meant to be set in stone. Life moves in so many directions and everything is different today than it was yesterday and tomorrow it will all change again.

With this in mind, revisiting and updating your list regularly is important. 

If you're in a relationship, make it a fun ritual to go over them together every few months. Make a date of it! While yes it's important to have, it really shouldn't be too serious!

Have fun with it! Think of it as a playful adventure in understanding yourself better and enhancing your relationships. It’s all about celebrating your desires, communicating openly, and keeping things spicy, because who doesn’t want a little more fun in the mix? 

So go on. Grab that pen and paper, and let your imagination run wild... You might discover something new about yourself in the process!
 
Until next time, happy fucking my friends!