Let's Bust Some Myths about Male & Female Sex Drive

When it comes to having conversations about sex, you can guarantee some part of it will be clouded with misinformation, myths, and stereotypes. It's not necessarily always the case that people are deliberately lying about stuff either (although that certainly can be a problem) but more that sex education has been so limited, sporadic, and inconsistent over most of our lives that we find ourselves getting our information from all sorts of different areas. From friends to television to the deep dark "post truth" internet, which in themselves are just a muddle of half truths and "sounds-about-rights" anyway. 

One topic that gets its fair share of armchair experts and adamant fact knowers is the subject of sex drive, specifically the differences between male and female libido, and while some of it is kind of based in facts and science, a lot of it is just assumptions about female sexuality and desire from back in a time where the very thought of something like that even existing could send women to a mental asylum or possibly death.

So let's update our thinking a little and bust some of the more common myths that surround libido, desire, and what men and women really want.

Myth 1: Men always want sex

Ah, yes. The classic stereotype that men are insatiable sex machines who think of nothing but pussy and how to get it. That they're up for a shag at any moment of the day, and can conjure a rock hard, ready for action erection at the mere suggestion of sex.

Reality check: It's just not true. Yes, men think about sex a lot, that's not up for debate, but it should be up for examination, especially when being used as a comparison against women. If you think about it, for centuries men have had so much of their self worth and "manliness" wrapped up in the conditional envelope of how many notches they can cut into the bedhead in very much the same way women have been expected to behave in the exact opposite way. This sort of binary thinking is always dangerous. Humans are not homogeneous, and expecting them to all fall into the same little box is the perfect recipe for creating intolerance, self-doubt, and discord. 

Like all aspects of our life, varying levels of desire and sexual arousal are influenced by a whole bunch of factors including stress, mood, age and health. Things as small as the weather or a change in diet can have an effect on the way humans feel about having sex, and it often has absolutely no bearing on what is between your legs, but more what's going on between your ears.

Myth 2: Women don’t like sex as much as men

I'm pretty sure most of the people reading this know this train of thought is bullshit wrapped up in a stereotypical pink ribbon, but it's still worth talking about.

The idea that women are less sexual than men is a myth that serves no purpose other than to try and control women and their bodies, and take away any autonomy, freedom, or free thought about sex that women may have. Research has shown that women can have just as strong a sex drive as men, and enjoy it just as much, but societal norms have pretty much conditioned them to feel guilty about it. Where men are told their sexuality makes them more of a man, women are told ours makes us less. That we should be ashamed of our bodies, our desires, and our pleasure. We are given the confusing messages of being sexy but not sexual, wanted but not wanton, pleasing but not pleasured. If we deny our sexual sides we're frigid, if we display them we're sluts.

It's enough to turn anyone off sex, and yet it doesn't. That's because women do enjoy it, they just often have a fuck-ton of lies they've been told about themselves all their life to wade through before getting to the good stuff.

Myth 3: A woman’s sex drive is tied to her cycle

Look this is a bit of a tricky one because while it's definitely true that hormonal fluctuations can affect libido, it’s not as black and white as you might think. Yes, there are absolutely biological factors that can come into play during a woman’s cycle. The increase in oestrogen during ovulation can have affect sex drive, as can the pain and discomfort of menstrual cramps take away any thoughts of being touched in any way, especially sexually. But again that doesn't take into account the billions of other things that are going on in someone's life beyond the biological workings of one's body and hormones. In fact, studies in the American Journal of Medicine showed the libidos and sexual desires of women in all ages and stages of life were tied more to factors like emotional connection, context, and individual preference far more than where they were on their cycle. Because, again, women are not homogeneous and we are more than just biology. 

Myth 4: Men can’t experience low sex drive

Like all the myths we've looked at so far, this one can be incredibly dangerous to men's mental health and feelings of self worth. This odd, primal idea that men are just an extension of their penises and if it's not buried in pussy or thinking about being buried pussy then it's probably broken in some way and you are not a real man. I mean what in the insulting fuck? Men can absolutely experience dips in their sex drive or not be particularly sexual in their lives in general and it doesn't make them less of a man in any way, shape or form. Some men can quite happily go through their lives with little to no sex at all and have incredibly fulfilling and enjoyable lives, just as many men can find themselves having all the sex they could ever possibly need or want and yet feel like there's something missing or lacking in their lives.

Just like with women, things like stress, age, and even medication can impact a man's libido, but unfortunately, unlike women, it’s not something men often feel comfortable talking about with their friends or even medical professionals. A study showed that nearly 1 in 4 men experience a decrease in sexual desire at some point in their lives, so it’s crucial for men to not only feel comfortable discussing their sex stuff beyond conquests, but also that the real information and support is there to help educate us all in areas that have historically been lacking in truth.

Myth 5: Sexual desire equals sexual satisfaction

Elaborating on my above point, many people seem to think that having a high sex drive automatically leads to satisfaction in the bedroom, but it's just not the case. The thing is, proper sexual satisfaction, that all over feeling of contentment and connection rather than just the physical release of orgasm, is way more about quality than it is quantity. The importance of emotional intimacy, and understanding the core essence of the person you're having sex with really cannot be overstated for any gender. You don't need to be in love, that's not necessarily important, but it definitely helps if you care enough about both their and your experience to connect on a level deeper than you would in other social situations. I feel like that shouldn't be controversial or rocket science, but I also think that in the same way people confuse libido with satisfaction, some of us can confuse intimacy with love. This isn't our fault, it's kind of what we've always been told, and that's why I'm here. To help you unlearn some of those misinformed ideas and help you understand just how normal all of us actually are, even in all of our differences. 

Myth 6: A “normal” sex drive exists

This is the big one. If you take anything from this article I want it to be this: Sex and sex drive is not a one-size-fits-all activity, and if it's working for you, and you have all the informed, enthusiastic consent of your play partners, then, for all intents and purposes, because what the fuck does it even mean anyway, it is normal. You are normal. 

To wrap this all up in a neat little nutshell let me first acknowledge the paradoxical contradiction that nothing about having sex is actually "nutshell". This is because something so varied and unique to each individual can't be put in a single box, and that's kind of where all the big problems we have with sex come from in the first place. 

What actually matters is that partners communicate openly about their needs, wants, and desires, and find a rhythm that works not only for their partners, but for their own individual drive and libido. 

Until next time, happy fucking, my friends.