How to be a Trans Ally

There's a lot of talk in the world these days about trans people and their lives and rights and, more disturbingly, what's in their pants, but really, all that stuff is just noise. Noise that stops trans people from living their true lives without harassment and danger or judgement from other people. The thing is people who live outside of the black and white binary just want to live. Well no, more than that, they want to live and thrive and love and work and play and do everything everyone else does, and yet they spend almost all their time just trying to exist in a world that so often doesn't accept them, and sometimes actively seeks to stop them existing at all. No wonder they're bloody tired. And angry. And in need of allies to make life less awful and, hopefully even, a safe and wonderful place for them to be.

What Is An Ally?

In basic terms and ally is someone who supports and fights for the rights of those who belong to a (minority) community or group other than their own. It is a support network of community and individuals, and being an ally is a constant work in progress. Learning. Listening. Supporting. 

An ally does not speak over or for the voices of those it supports, but rather gives space for those voices to speak instead. An ally is a friend, a support system, a cheerleader, a solider, a protector, and an advocate.

Don't Be Silent

While allies really do need to sit down, shut up, and listen when trans and non binary people are speaking, it is when we are out of that circle and within our own groups, communities and spaces that we need to be loud. And by loud I mean it. It's about standing up for those who can do nothing for us, and is about doing and being the right sort of person in this world. Speak up when you hear transphobic comments. Pull up your friends and your family members when they say something gross. While yes, I get that it can sometimes be hard, there are ways to show your distaste without putting yourself in danger. Find allies within your own circles to support you in your fight for others. Also remember a lot of the time insulting or offensive comments might actually come from a place of ignorance more than hate, and that educating people on the right words or phrases to use can be a great learning experience for everyone. But also remember it's not the job of trans and non binary people to constantly be educating and reminding and fighting for that equality. 

Listen To Trans People

Trans people are screaming out for respect and it's about time we give it to them. Listen to them. Read trans writers. Watch trans films. Learn about trans lives. They're not that different to yours and mine. In fact, they're NO different to yours and mine and it's everyone else who tries to make them "different" who is part of the problem.

Trans people are parents. They're students. They're doctors. They're posties. They're vets. They're unemployed.
Trans people are people and they have voices important voices, and we need to listen to them.
Not to politicians who are not trans.
Not to sports commentators who are not trans.
Not to priests or pastors who are not trans.
Not to bigots and haters and those with agendas of discrimination. 

Trans people know what's best for them. Listen to them.

Respect Pronouns

What a ridiculously loaded word pronouns has become lately and it really, really shouldn't be. 

I mean, if you remember your grade one literacy classes, everyone has a pronoun. Your pets have pronouns. Some people give their cars, their toys, and in fact any inanimate objects a pronoun. But for some reason these days being asked to respect those that people choose to use for themselves is laden with political bullshit, lies, and weird misinformation that makes no sense. 

A pronoun is literally the words "He, She, They, It." It's not new. It's not "woke". Apart from your actual name, it's one of the oldest forms of identity there is and to say something like "I won't ever date someone who uses pronouns" shows nothing but your inability to understand words and your intolerance and bias taking over your intelligence and common sense. 

Put it this way, If you've ever referred to your car as "she" you've given it a pronoun, if you've ever corrected someone who said "good boy" to your female dog, then you've understood using correct pronouns.

If you can respect your car enough to give it a title, or your dog enough to correct their misgendering then spare the same respect for a fellow human who actually has thoughts and feelings and real world needs. 

If someone asks you to use a specific pronoun for them, don't be a dick. Use it. It costs you nothing, but could save a life.

Don't Assume

Regardless of if someone is cis, trans, or non binary sometimes it can be hard to tell what gender or pronoun they might prefer to be identified with and you know what? That's okay! That's their prerogative and it is literally none of your business in any way, or in any setting, and yes that includes bathrooms. 

Trans people are not trying to "trick" anyone. They are not "lying". They are not "imposters". Trans people are just people and, like all people, sometimes they need to use the bathroom. 

In fact, trans people are SO aware of other's bigotry, something as simple and non-eventful as going to the loo becomes fraught with anxiety and fear. Don't be "that person". Just go to the toilet, do your business and leave. Trying to work out what someone's genitals are in a private setting like a bathroom is gross and perverted, and makes YOU the weirdo, not the person just trying to pee.

They and Them. Not As Hard As You Think

Did you know the word "they" as a singular pronoun has literally been around for centuries. The first records show it being used as a singular pronoun in the 1300s, and it is super easy, and super respectful, to just use that instead until you know for sure. Yes it might take a bit to train yourself out of using gendered pronouns, because we do use them a lot, but it's really easy to do once you're aware of it.

"Have you seen Jay, they have a new haircut!"
"No, they don't like tomatoes on their sandwiches"
"Have you heard the speech yet? I really like the way they speak!"
"There's a call for Sam. Can you go and get them for me?"

Anyone who tries to tell you using they/them is wrong and not proper English is being deliberately obtuse and supporting an intolerant agenda. Don't listen to them, even if they are your mum. (See how easy that was?)

It's Not Your Story To Tell

If someone comes out to you as trans or non binary then that means that person trusts you and feels safe enough in your company to be themselves. Don't fuck that up. Someone else's sexuality or identity is personal to them and is their story. It is not up to you to tell anyone. In fact it is your responsibility as a good friend and ally to make sure you keep their stuff to yourself and protect them as you would any friend. Ask them what you can do to support them. Ask them what they need. And if at any stage you fuck up and accidentally misgender or deadname someone don't carry on and make it a big deal or about you at all. That puts the onus on them to then have to support you through your guilt or self admonishment. That's not their job, even though it's what they feel they constantly have to do. It's bloody exhausting. If they correct you say thank you. If you fuck up say sorry.

But it's your actions and your future interactions that are the measure of your allyship, and, again, remember, it's not about you.

The main takeaway to being an ally is to be kind. Be vigilant. Be aware. Be a friend. Be a supporter. And if you need to be, be a fighter.

No one ever got the same rights as old white men by asking politely and this is the same thing. Think of what rights you've had to fight for in your life and then triple them to add "just existing" to that. These are the rights trans people are fighting for. Are literally dying for. And I for one will not let them fight alone.

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  KinkyGirl101

  More than a month ago

  Great article Eva, with so many nb and trans members on AMM I am sure this will resonate with many members. Personally I have struggled sometimes with pronouns but your analogy of the dog and the car makes it very clear. I hope the article results in some more positives for AMM members.

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  CDJamie3053

  More than a month ago

  good article

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