Why some men won't go down
Eva Sless
on 10 February 2022
40 comments
Oral sex. Going down. Giving head. Regardless of what genitals you have, one of the most pleasurable feelings one can have is the feeling of someone else's mouth on your bits. It's sexy and naughty, it's intimate and sensual, and for many of us, it can be even more pleasurable than penetrative sex.
While it's pretty standard practice in heterosexual relationships for the woman to go down on her man, when it comes to the reciprocation of that, it's not always a fair swap. According to a few different studies conducted by universities and even the CDC, there's a huge imbalance in the bedroom when it comes to oral sex. In almost all the studies done, over 60% of men said they regularly received oral sex from a partner, which was a huge difference to the less than 45% of women claiming the same.
So what is it about heading down to pussy town that makes some men decide they don't wanna take that road?
Porn Focus
Lack of proper, comprehensive sex education at a young age means many people seek out their sex lessons in other places... Namely pornography, and while we love porn and see its merit in the world, one thing we always reiterate in our blog is that porn is not a "how to" demonstration video, and using it as such can actually lead to bad, or at least not particularly great, sex. For the most part, mainstream porn is made for cis heterosexual men. It is very much focused on the man's pleasure. His dick. His enjoyment. While yes the women in it are loud and orgasmic and seem happy enough, the actual focus is far more on penises and the things they like to do with them. So, while oral sex on her in porn is often a part of the whole, it's very rarely done in a way that shows the deep, delicious, slurpy goodness that cunnilingus should be, and often seems a little tacked on and visually made to showcase a vulva (which can be a beautiful sight to turn a man on) more than to show how to pleasure one. So when that's really all you see and know of oral sex, and your focus on "sex" is all about how the dick feels, it can often just seem to be an unimportant part of the process and that's not necessarily the fault of the guy.
Past Rejection
In researching this blog I did a whole bunch of reading and talking to men about their oral sex habits and, for the most part, most of the men who were reluctant to go down were so because they'd had partners in the past who didn't like or want it. This is definitely something I have come across in my years as a sex educator and, like above, is far more reflective of bad sex education and societal influence than of anything to do with pleasure. For centuries women have been told sex, and anything they have to do with it, is wrong and dirty, and only for men to enjoy and for women to just give in to. They're told their natural aromas are disgusting. That their orgasms are evil. That their desires make them bad.
So they repress and hide and fill themselves with shame and close themselves off, and that includes to intimate partners and certain intimate acts. So a lot of men "learn" early on it's not something women enjoy or want, and because they don't want to face that rejection again they just stop trying.
No Confidence
If you take the problems that can arise from learning how to do sex from porn, and add them to the assumptions men may have when their oral sex advances are rejected, it can all blend together and turn into a real lack of confidence and understanding that just ends up being easier to not do at all.
Because so many women have shame associations with their genitals and the idea of oral sex, they don't often allow themselves to let go and enjoy the things that are happening down there, and that resistance can absolutely feel like dislike or rejection to their partners who, wanting to be respectful and good lovers, will then stop trying or wanting to try. Unfortunately, however, they will then possibly take that into their next relationships and, especially if there's not a lot of sex communication between the couple, the cycle continues.
That rejection, or lack of outward appreciation, can also manifest into them thinking they're not very good at oral sex and, in the way we all want to be good at something but maybe give it up if we find we haven't got that particular talent, so too do the guys give up if it's something they think they're actually a bit crap at but you're too polite to tell them.
Acquired Taste
While it was very, very rare, in my research I did come across a couple of men who just did not like it. Full stop.
They'd tried it a few times. They'd tried it with different women. They'd tried it with flavoured lubes, with dams, with all the confidence and desire in the world, and they just didn't like it, and that's okay. Whether it was the feel, the taste of it or the idea of it. And that's more than okay.
Men have just as much right to feel safe and respected in their intimate endeavours, and expecting them to do something they don't enjoy just because you want them to isn't cool at all. While yes, relationships are often about compromise and give and take, there are always going to be moments where one person has to put aside their wants or needs for the sake of the other, and sometimes (without being too harsh about it) those are the moments you may need to assess whether or not you're willing to do that.
Consent and comfort work both ways and if you feel like something like that (a non-negotiable incompatibility of any sort) is a deal breaker then it's probably a good idea to find someone whose compatibility better matches yours. If, however, it's something you can deal with and it's not really all that important, then I'm sure you can both find other mutually satisfying activities to do together.
Let Your Lips Do The Talking
Look, I know I say it a lot but did you know a relationship works better when you communicate? The thing is, there could be a really silly and easily fixed reason as to why he's not going down on you, and the best way to find that out is to ask!
Sure, he might end up saying something gross and offensive about dead fish but I'm going to tell you that a) that's probably actually the very last thing he'd say no matter what your subconscious tells you, and b) even if he DID say something like that then at least you know now what type of guy he is and you've not wasted too much time lying to yourself that he's a "good guy".
Like mentioned above, one of the most common reasons guys don't go down is lack of confidence and lack of knowing what to do, so what better way to rectify that than to offer to teach them!
Men love knowing they're good at sex, so a master class in "you" taught by the world's leading expert in "you" would be like getting a painting lesson from Da Vinci. And just think of the masterpiece orgasms he'll start painting with his tongue... You'll be smiling whimsically to yourself like Mona Lisa all day.
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