If you've been following along or know me at all, I've been looking deeper and deeper into my own history and a lot of discoveries and realisations about what turns me on, what doesn't, why, what I'd like to explore more. Exhibitionism is at the root of it all, and in a way that I discovered is more complex than I think most see exhibitionism as -- at least in terms of my own pleasure from it.

Yesterday, I had a much older woman I'd known for a few years now stop in to pick up something for a party that weekend. I'd been deadlining all week and keeping ridiculous hours, and despite knowing she'd be around at 3:30 that afternoon, my exhaustion kicked in and the second I sat down on the couch to chill for a bit earlier, I fell asleep.

At home, I'm as you see in my pictures. Confident, love myself (though dying to get back to the gym routine) in this state, utterly comfortable. I honestly wish I could be like this more. And I've been trying to be where it's deemed socially acceptable amidst all these explorations.

It felt like I'd barely blinked when I heard the doorbell ring, and instinctively, half dazed, launched up and stumbled to the door, realising as I opened it, I was still only wearing my favoured g-string underwear. The shame part of my brain kicked in and where I'd always wanted to boldly just open a door to someone like this, I was suddenly told "DON'T". But I was already too late, and quickly stepped back with an embarrassed laugh to explain that I'd just mindlessly come to the door half asleep, but she could come in anyway.

She laughed and said "oh it's fine, go put something on, I can wait", and then the other part of my brain, the one that had been exploring itself came back.

"Nah, it's fine, you're cool, just come in", and she did without hesitating at all. Not eager, not awkward, just with an "cool cool".

The TV I'd fallen asleep to was still going and as I grabbed her things from the shelves, the conversation started. Idly, but the longer it went on, and the more I could see her eyes quickly dance down, the more I was swelling, and the more I could tell she was torn between wrapping it up or conversing naturally. I'd been part of sex parties and regularly attend Sunnyside, but it's a different thing, and acting casually here was harder, because I was intensely aware (as was she) that that wasn't the only harder thing, and in these pants, things start to peek out. And the eyes darted more.

It's interesting because I didn't think or imagine myself fucking this woman. At all, but if she'd asked me to show it to her I wouldn't have hesitated. If she wanted to see me play with it, I wouldn't have hesitated. And the longer the conversation went on, the more I hoped it might, but the acknowledgement came as her cue to go. Not awkwardly, not out of any kind of fear, or without any kind of denegration. Just a "thank you for this, again -- I'd stay and chat, but I've got a busy night, and it looks like you're going to have a busy arvo" punctuated by one of those boysterous knowing laughs you get from those real salt of the earth types.

I saw her to the door, she thanked me again and said she'd see me again soon and was on her way.

I went back to the couch, dying to get off, noticing that I'd started dripping already too (can't hide that in those briefs either), and had one of the best orgasms I've had in weeks, which I can only attribute to some psychological element of what had just happened.

Thinking back on it, it's an interesting thing. Is the excitement from the unplanned nature of it? If I'd been awake and wanted to do that and let her know in advance, would it have changed anything? The idea of people watching me, both aware and unaware, turns me on, but the unawareness -- the surprise nature and the risque element of it -- would they be offended, would the keep watching? -- is exciting, and something I'm now dying to explore more.